利用环境描写增加续写细节

牟子龙

读后续写评分要求中有一项为“内容丰富”，并对学生的语法结构及词汇丰富性做出了要求。而环境描写可以有效增加细节，丰富内容，若能灵活运用，可以有效提高续写能力。本文将以一篇“火场逃生”续写介绍如何进行环境描写。

续写原文（选自湖北高二联考）

The event that stands out in Toms memory happened one morning when Tom was only ten years old. He was at home with his elder sister Jane. Tom was doing his homework when he heard raised voices. At first， he thought nothing of it since customers in the motorcycle shop directly below their flat often became loud， but he soon realized this time it was different.

“Quick！ Quick！ Remove the motorcycles from the shop.” someone yelled.

Then a thick burning smell filled the air. When Tom opened the front door of their flat to investigate， a thick cloud of smoke greeted him. The motorcycle shop had caught fire and people were running and crying.

Jane， who had been playing the violin in her room， hurried to the living room. They rushed out of the door and along the corridor （走廊） through the smoke.

They were heading towards the stairway at the far end of the corridor when Jane stopped in her track. She turned around and headed back the way they came. Tom had no idea what she was doing， but he followed suit （照着做）.

Jane had suddenly remembered the lady in her 70s who lived next door to them， who they called Makcik， Malay （马来西亚语） for auntie. Jane began banging on Makciks door， but got no answer. As the smoke thickened around them， Tom could see many of their neighbors—some still in their pyjamas—running for safety. The thought of fear crossed his mind.

“She would have run for safety like everyone else！” Tom cried. However， Jane refused to give up. “I knowMakciks still inside.” She said she was familiar with Makciks daily routine and was certain she would still be sleeping. She pounded the door. “Go downstairs. Go now！ Go！” Tom urged.

Paragraph1： Tom noticed the flame was reaching up.____________

Paragraph 2： Luckily， some neighbors passing by stopped and offered help.____________

一、借體感写环境

本文续写首段提示句“noticed the flame was reaching up”从视觉角度表明火势蔓延，突出危机感。学生续写时，可以承接此处，以主角感官，通过see， hear， smell， feel， taste等引出环境，突出人物的视角，并达到丰富内容及词汇的目的。以下为相关例句：

[例1] The thick smoke rolled outwards and he almost could see nothing. （视觉）

[例2] He could also hear the crackling（噼啪声） of the burning apartment. （听觉）

[例3] He smelt the burnt wood and plastic and almost got choked （呛到了）/ have difficulty in breathing / struggled for breath （难以呼吸）. （嗅觉、呼吸）

[例4] Feeling the heat licking （舔） his face， he knew the danger was approaching. （触觉）

有时也可直接描写客观事物，而不突出主角的视角。此时，可通过选用特定的词汇达到“五感写景”的表达效果。请关注下列句子中的划线表达：

[例5] Thick clouds of smoke/ fumes rose， filling the corridor and almost choking Tom. （视触觉）

[例6] Within minutes the corridor was full of floating ashes that stung （刺痛） their eyes. （视触觉）

[例7] Blasts of heated/ burning air hit Tom and he felt as if his face were burning in front of the blaze/ flame （火焰）. （视触觉）

[例8] The suffocating fumes blurred their vision （令人窒息的浓烟阻挡了视线） and the way to the exit became invisible. （视觉）

[例9] There came nothing but the crackling and peoples screaming. （听觉）

[例10] The stink （臭味） of something burnt made him cough a lot. （嗅觉）

二、运用相关话题词汇刻画环境细节

环境细节指的是针对某场景扩充与之相关的话题名词、动词及形容词等，在写作中运用这类词，可以有效增加词汇丰富性，增添文章色彩。

例如续写第一段身陷火场容易让人联想起flame， blaze， smoke， ash， heated air， the stink of something burnt， crackling等词汇（例句同上文）。同时，亦可通过使用与场景常见搭配的动词或形容词将火场细节刻画得更为生动：

[例11] All of a sudden， the door was on fire （燃烧起来）/ burst into flame （猛地烧起来）.

[例12] The violent （猛烈的） blaze swept through（席卷）/devoured （吞噬）/swallowed （吞下） the whole building and the corridor was filled with smelly （难闻的） smoke.

[例13] He rushed back into the blazing （炽热的） house.

而续写第二段，从首句可知，情节指向劫后余生，该段的重点并非环境描写，但可以描写火灾对建筑造成的灾害以突出“narrow escape”，例如可以有以下的场景描写：

[例14] As they were making their way downstairs， the wall started to collapsed/ fell apart （崩塌）， adding extra difficulty. （墻体垮塌增加逃生困难）

[例15] Just as they dashed into the open air， part of the building crashed to the ground， making a big noise. （建筑垮塌，发出巨大的声响与逃至空地形成对比，突出紧迫感）

三、使用修辞手法描写环境

在续写中，可使用拟人、暗喻、明喻（用like， as等引出喻体）、夸张等较易掌握的修辞格提升文章的水平。修辞亦可用于环境刻画，例如：

[例16] The blaze stretched/ spread quickly and was eating the flat upwards. （拟人）

[例17] The flames stirred （颤动）， crawled （爬过） through corridors， and approached （靠近） Tom. （拟人）

[例18] As the flame inched its way up （缓缓向上蔓延）， Tom had great difficulty in breathing. （拟人）

[例19] The flat seemed to stand at the very center of a volcano （仿若处于火山中心）. （暗喻、夸张）

[例20] Thick and black smoke rose like a roaring monster that was devouring everything around greedily （仿若一只贪婪吞噬周遭一切的咆哮野兽）. （明喻）

四、环境描写与人物心理及动作描写结合

环境属于细节描写，续写中不应将过多的篇幅用于刻画场景，而是可以将其与人物的心理描写结合。在火场中，人物的主要心理活动是恐惧、慌乱，而逃出火场则为释然，以下是环境与人物心理描写结合的例子：

[例21] Blasts of burning air hit Tom， and instantly he felt a wave of panic sweep over his body （惊慌之情蔓延全身）.

[例22] Thick grey clouds of smoke rose with ashes， almost choking Tom and filling him with pure fright/fear/ terror/ horror （使他充满恐惧）.

[例23] As he breathed the fresh air， Tom sighed with great relief （如释重负）.

以下是一篇关于暴风雨场景的片段写作，请使用尽可能多的环境微技能描写使故事完整。

It was a regular day on the beach. Although there were high waves， many people were swimming in the warm water， laughing and trying to stand still as waves hit them hard. It was windy， but the sun was shining bright， so it was so pleasant to dive into the ocean and then lie on the sunloungers （日光浴椅）.

However， a large gray cloud was approaching， and people were leaving the beach to hide from the upcoming storm. I asked one of my friends， “Should we leave as well？ It seems it will rain soon.” However， he was confident that we still had time before the storm begins. “Calm down，” he said， “We have at least 30 minutes， there is no need to hurry.”

It turned out that we had no time at all.________________________

參考答案

Soon， the air became heavy， moist and sultry （空气变得沉重、潮湿和闷热）. Gusts of wind began to whip the trees violently （阵阵大风开始猛烈地拍打树木） and blew the sand into the air， hitting my face like knife （把沙子吹到空中，像刀子一样打在我的脸上）. It was a struggle to open my eyes and even breathe （难以睁开眼睛甚至是呼吸）. When thick， dark clouds gathered （乌云聚拢） in the sky， the rumbling thunder roared like a monster （隆隆的雷声像怪兽一样咆哮） and the lightning revealed its sharp teeth （闪电露出锋利的牙齿）. All of a sudden， heavy rain poured down （大雨倾泻而下） and beads of raindrops traveled down my spine， arms， and legs （雨点顺着我的脊椎、手臂和腿落下）. My friends and I were a sorry sight， soaked to the skin and shivering （全身湿透，颤抖着）. I had to shout to my friends to make myself heard but deafening cracks of thunder totally drowned my yells （震耳欲聋的雷声完全淹没了我的呼喊声）. It felt like the eternity to reach the house. Later， as the sun appeared from behind the cloud， I could not but think the threatening beauty of nature.

责任编辑  吴昊雷