You’ve got questions? she’s got answers

(but you probably wont like them)

What do you think about the new iPhone 13? My phone is getting very old, and Im thinking about buying a new one.

Paul wants a new iPhone

Let me guess, your idea of very old is…18 months? Thats basically brand new! You should do what I do with my socks: 新三年，舊三年，缝缝补补又三年 (Xīnsānnián, jiùsānnián, féngféngbǔbǔyòusānnián, New for three years, old for three years, darn it and you get another three years). I never let anything go to waste. Granted, I can no longer close my cabinets as theyre stuffed with plastic bags and paper boxes, but 有备无患 (yǒubèiwúhuàn, when there is precaution, there is no danger). If youre a member of the 月光族 (yuèguāngzú, “moonlight clan,” people who spend their entire salary before the end of the month), and continue to 花钱如流水 (huāqiánrúliúshuǐ, spend money like flowing water), you wont be able to 买房 (mǎifáng, buy an apartment) with big cabinets like mine to hold all the stuff that might come in handy someday!

What should I be this year for Halloween? Can you recommend any ghosts or monsters from Chinese mythology?

Jack Ouyang

Why be a 鬼 (guǐ, ghost)? So 晦气 (huìqì, ominous)! You should go as 钟馗(Zhōng Kuí), the Tang dynasty ghostbuster with a big black beard and an angry face. He can chase down all the 牛鬼蛇神(niúguǐshéshén, “ox ghosts and snake gods,” bad characters) and 群魔乱舞 (qúnmóluànwǔ, “demons and monsters dancing madly,” rogues of all kinds running amok) on Halloween. To stay in character, you should go around town and yell at all the people wearing 奇装异服 (qízhuāngyìfú, bizarre clothing), and curse them back to hell! I hate the whole thing anyway: Its 人不人，鬼不鬼(rénbùrén, guǐbùguǐ, “neither human nor ghost, ” a total mess)! And whats with the 南瓜灯 (nánguādēng, pumpkin lanterns)? Havent your parents told you to not play with your food?

Got questions for our Agony Ayi? Send them to agonyayi@theworldofchinese.com

Illustration Design and Painting by Cai Tao, Gao Fei