三怪客泛舟记（十二）

Jerome K.Jerome

《三怪客泛舟记》是英国作家杰罗姆·K ·杰罗姆创作的一部小说，曾被《紳士》杂志评为“史上最幽默的五十部文学作品”之一。小说主要围绕三个怪客和一只狗的一次泛舟之旅展开，充满了夸张和非现实的情节：他们掉进水里，把东西弄丢，吵架，又笑着和好，互相讲故事；他们个个有远大的抱负，热情也很高，可就是到了早上谁也起不来；他们都想当伟大的探险家，可事实上，只要一下雨，他们还是愿意呆在暖和的火炉边，坐在舒适的椅子里。整个故事既有趣又充满着生活的真善美。

Chapter12 Montmorency and the cat

On Monday morning ，we got up quite early and we went to swim before breakfast. On the way back ，Mont- morency behaved very stupidly.

The only thing that Montmorency and I disagree about is cats.I like cats. Montmorency does not.

When I meet a cat，I say hello to it. Then I bend down and I stroke it gently，behind the ears and along the side of its head.The cat likes this.It puts its tail up and it pushes it ? self against my legs.And there is love and peace.When Mont ? morency meets a cat，everybody knows about it，and a lot of bad words are used.

I do not really blame Montmorency（usually I just hit him，or throw stones at him），because dogs are like that. They hate cats. But that morning，Montmorency wished that he had not argued with a cat.

As we were coming back from the river，a cat ran out from one of the houses，and it began to walk across the road. Montmorency saw the cat，gave a shout of real happiness， and ran after it.

It was a big，black cat.I have never seen a bigger cat. It had lost half its tail and one of its ears，but it looked calm and happy.

Montmorency ran at that cat as fast as he could，but the cat did not hurry. It did not seem to understand that its life was in danger. It walked on quietly until the enemy was near it.Then it turned and sat down in the middle of the road. It looked at Montmorency in a quiet way ，and it seemed to say，

“Yes？ You want me？”

Montmorency is quite a brave dog，but there was some? thing in the way the cat looked at him. It frightened him.He stopped suddenly，and he looked at the cat. They did not speak，of course，but it was easy to imagine their conversa? tion.

THE CAT：Can I do anything for you？

MONTMORENCY：No...no，thanks.

THE CAT：Do please tell me if there is something you want，won t you？

MONTMORENCY（ who moves backwards down the road）：Oh，no. Not at all...certainly...I... I m afraid I ve made a mistake.I thought I knew you...I m sorry.

THE CAT：Not at all.Are you quite sure you don t want anything now？

MONTMORENCY（who continues to move back）：Not at all...thanks...not at all...very kind of you...Good morning.

THE CAT：Good morning.

Then the cat stood up and continued along the road. Montmorency，with his tail between his legs，walked be? hindus. He hoped that nobody would notice him.

Now，if you say“Cats！”to Montmorency，he looks up at you，and his eyes beg you，“No，please！”

After this we did our shopping，went back to the boat， and moved off along the river again.However，at Hamble? don lock，we found that we had no water.So we went to ask the lock-keeper for some. George spoke for us. He said，“Oh，please，could you give usa little water？”

“Of course，”the old man replied.“Just take what you want and leave the rest.”

“Thank you very much，”George said，and he looked round.“But where is it？”

“It s where it always is，my boy，”the lock－keeper answered.“It s behind you.”

George looked round again.“I can tsee it，”he said.

“Why？ Where are your eyes？”the man said，and he turned George towards the river.

“Oh！”George cried.“But we can t drink the river， you know.”

“No，but you can drink some of it，”the old man re? plied.“That swhat I ve drunk for fifteen years.”

We got some water from another house.

After we had got our water ， we went on towards Wargrave，but before we got there，we stopped for lunch.

We were sitting in a field near the river，and we were just going to start eating. Harris was preparing the food， and George and I were waiting with our plates.

“Have you got a spoon？”Harris asked.“I need a spoon.”

The basket was behind us ，and George and I both turned to get a spoon. It took about five seconds.When we looked back again，Harris and the food had gone.It was an open field，and there were no trees.There was nowhere to hide. He had not fallen in the river，because we were be? tween him and the water.

George and I looked round.Then we looked at each other.Harris had gone—disappeared！ Sadly，we looked again at the place where Harris and the food had been.And then，to our horror，we saw Harriss head — and only his head — in the grass.The face was very red and very angry.

George was the first to speak.

“Say something！”he cried.“Are you alive or dead？ Where is the rest of you？”

“Oh，dont be so stupid！”Harriss head said.“Its your fault.You made me sit there.You did it to annoy me！ Here，take the food！”

And from the middle of the grass the food appeared， and then Harris came out，dirty and wet.

Harris had not known that he had been sitting on the edge of a hole.The grass had hidden it.Then，suddenly，he had fallen backwards into it.He said he had not known what was happening to him.He thought，at first，that it was the end of the world.

Harris still believes that George and I planned it.

12.“元帅”和猫

星期一早晨，我们起得很早，早饭前在河里游了一下泳。就在回来的路上，“元帅”干了一件天大的蠢事。

我和“元帅”只在一个问题上存在分歧，那就是对猫的看法：我喜欢猫，而“元帅”却不。

我每次遇到猫，总会亲切地招呼它，俯下身轻轻抚摸它，摸摸它的耳后和脑袋旁边。猫呢，喜欢的就是这一套，它会竖起尾巴，把身体在我的腿上蹭蹭，充满了温柔和恬静的感觉。可是如果“元帅”遇见猫，那准会搅得四邻不安，直招别人的骂。

我倒并不责怪“元帅”（通常不过敲它一下，或者用石子扔它），因为狗的本性就是这样，它们就是恨猫。但那天早上，它却宁可自己没有去招惹那只猫。

我们从河边回来时，一只猫从某间屋子里蹿出来，横着过马路。“元帅”一看见猫，无比幸福地发出一声欢呼，就追了下去。

那是一只又大又黑的貓。我从来没有见过这么大的猫，虽然掉了半只尾巴和一只耳朵，看上去还是一副泰然自若，满不在乎的样子。

“元帅”使足了劲去追那只猫，可猫却不慌不忙，若无其事的，似乎没有意识到生命已受到威胁。它仍然不动声色地走着，直到敌人走近了才转过身，坐在马路中间，冷静、地看着“元帅”，好像在说：

“怎么，你找我吗？”

“元帅”向来是条勇猛顽强的狗，可那只黑猫凛然看他的眼神却使这条英勇非凡的狗吓得矮了半截。它突然站住，瞪着眼看着黑猫。当然双方一言不发，但很容易想象它们俩的谈话内容。

黑猫：“我能为您效劳吗？”

“元帅”：“没……没什么事，谢谢。”

黑猫：“您有什么要求，就请坦率地说，好吗？”

“元帅”（身子沿着马路退后几步）：“不，一点也没有。我……恐怕……是个误会。我还以为认识您的……对不起。”

黑猫：“没关系。您当真没什么要求吗？”

“元帅”（还往后退着）：“没……没有。什么也没有……谢谢……没有……您真太好了，再见。”

黑猫：“再见。”

于是黑猫站起来，继续沿着马路往前走。“元帅”尾巴夹在两腿之间，躲在我们身后，盼着别人都没有注意到它。

直到今天，只要你对“元帅”一提“猫！”它就会仰头望着你，可怜巴巴的样子好像在说：“请别……”

这番历险之后，我们去买东西，买完东西又上了船，起航。不久到了汉布尔登水闸才发现水喝光了。我们到水闸看守人那里要些水，乔治是我们的发言人。他说：“请您帮个忙，给我们一点水，好吗？”

“当然可以，”老汉答道，“要多少拿多少，剩下的还放在那儿就行了。”

“太谢谢您啦，”乔治向两边看了看，“可您的水在哪儿？”

“总在那个老地方嘛，我的孩子，”看闸人说，“就在你背后。”

乔治又看看四周：“我还是看不见啊！”他说。

“怎么，你的眼睛长哪儿去了？”老汉说着把乔治的身子转向河面。

“哦！”乔治喊了一声，“可您知道，我们总不能把河水都喝了呀！”

“是啊，可是你可以喝一点啊！”老人回答，“我喝这水喝了十五年了。”

最后，还是从另外一家讨来点水。

水有了，我们又驶向沃格雷夫。还没有到那里，我们就停船吃午餐。

坐在水边的草地上，大家准备吃午餐。哈里斯正在做饭，乔治和我拿着盘子等着。

“你们谁有一把勺子？”哈里斯问，“我要个勺子。”

篮子就放在我们身后，乔治和我转身去拿勺子。总共不到五秒钟，我们回身一看，哈里斯和吃的东西都不见了。那是一片空荡荡的草地，周围没有一棵树，没有地方可以躲藏。他也不可能掉进河里，因为我们坐在他和河水之间。

乔治和我四周看了看，又相对瞠目而视。哈里斯不见了！——失踪了！我们伤心地转过头看

看刚才哈里斯和午饭还在的地方。不看还罢，这一看吓得我们魂飞天外！——我们看见哈里斯的头——只有一个脑袋在草地上，脸胀得通红，十分生气的样子。

乔治首先恢复神态，说了话：

“快说！”他喊道，“你到底活着，还是死了，你的身体哪儿去了？”

“呸！别装傻了，”哈里斯的脑袋开口说，“还不是你们搞的鬼，逼我坐在这里，不让我有好日子过！快，拿着饭！”

草地中间出来了午饭，随后哈里斯也爬了出来，浑身上下又脏又湿。

哈里斯没有意识到刚才坐在一个洞口上。草掩盖了洞口，他突然就向后掉了下去。他说起初也想不明白到底怎么回事，只道是世界末日来临了！

哈里斯至今仍然以为是乔治和我搞的阴谋。