One Thing I’m Proud of

One thing I am proud of is that I hadnt cried out when you died.

Hanging oppressively low in the sky， clouds were curved and accomplished by the ruthless winds. You left me in such a dull and dark day. Irresistably， our old golden time hit me. The first Chinese character you taught me. The same dishes you cooked for me out of a casual word from me. The tears welling up in your eyes when hearing I caught the disease before this exam. The ever-lasting promise that you were going to see me the next day. But I have no chance to cry. I need to comfort my mother and her mother. I have to stand on my own feet to face the challenging exam. I bear in mind that you were the one expecting my decent result most desperately. Reality leaves no room for regrets.

Tough time does no last. Tough people do.

One thing Im proud of is that I had not cried out when you died. You finally witnessed my mature， cruel but hopeful.

这是2013年浙江省高考英语作文的题目。舟山某中学将其作为学生备考时的训练题目。当时该中学英语教研组的老师，在如何评价这篇作文上存在很大分歧。一部分老师认为这篇作文写得不错，应该给高分；另一部分老师则认为这篇作文存在很多问题。双方争执不下，要求我谈谈看法。以下是我的意见：

评价一篇作文的好与差，有诸多因素需要考虑。首先从审题的角度，看考生是否理解题目的要求，包括要求写的内容和采用什么体裁。这个题目要求考生记叙一件自己引以为傲的事，从审题的角度看，这应该是一篇叙述文。既然是叙述文，就应该有需要叙述的事件，以及该事件发生的时间、地点、氛围（场景）、涉及的人物等因素，并且需要用叙述的（narrative）手段来写。从这篇作文看，叙述的事件是作者在外祖父去世后自己的坚强表现，作者很隐晦地交代了时间（in such a dull and dark day；to face the challenging exam）、氛围（Hanging oppressively low in the sky， clouds were curved and accomplished by the ruthless winds）和人物（I， you， my mother， her mother），但没有交代地点，更没有采用叙事的方式（如顺叙、插叙、倒叙）层次分明地展开完整的叙述，而是采用散文式的跳跃写法，以回闪的形式，让自己的文笔在强烈情感的驱使下自由驰骋，抒发感情，写成了一篇事件支离破碎感觉上却是一气呵成的散文。难怪有的老师认为这是一篇好作文，大概是因为老师也为学生这强烈的情绪所感染。

从语言的角度看，这篇作文的确有许多写得好的句子和表达，如“Hanging oppressively low in the sky， clouds were curved （sagged） and accomplished （were accompanied） by the ruthless winds”这样的场景描写，“hanging oppressively”“ruthless winds”“the challenging exam”“I have to stand on my own feet to face ...”和“I bear in mind that ...”这样的生动表达，以及“Reality leaves no room for regrets”和“Tough time does no last. Tough people do”这样的精彩句子。

但这篇作文也存在问题，比如在“Hanging oppressively low in the sky， clouds were curved and accomplished by the ruthless winds”一句中，“were curved”用词不准确，应改为“sagged”，“accomplished”应为“accompanied”。另外，“hadnt cried out”和“died”这两个谓语的时态也存在次序颠倒的问题，“die”和“cry out”，这两个动作到底谁先谁后？先发生的要用过去完成时，后发生的才用一般过去时，而作者刚好用反了。在“Irresistably，our old golden time hit me”一句中，“Irresistably”拼写错误，应为“irresistibly”；“hit”也用得不对。当“hit”一词表示“突然想到”时，通常是在“it hit（s） me that ...”这样的句型中，而不是“our old golden time hit me”。接下来，作者连续用了4句不完整的句子，“The same dishes you cooked for me out of a casual word from me”一句中的“out of a casual word from me”是在汉语思维下生造出来的表达。“The tears welling up in your eyes when hearing I caught the disease before this exam”中“hearing”前面的主语不能省略，因为前面的“tears”不能作为“hearing”的逻辑主语。“You finally witnessed my mature， cruel but hopeful”一句中的“mature”应为“maturity”，形容词词组“cruel but hopeful”与前面句子的关系不清，使得这句话晦涩难懂。

综上所述，我认为这篇作文尽管运用了一些好的表达方式，但从审题的角度看，不能算作好文章。