“优能中学杯”征文大赛获奖作文选登及点评（3）

潘妍+崔潇

本刊2015年7月号在创刊十周年之际发起的主题为“我和英语有个故事”的全国中学生英语征文大赛现已圆满落幕！本期我们继续选登一篇获奖作文及北京新东方学校优能中学老师的相应精彩点评，以飨大家。本次与大家分享的是此次征文大赛二等奖的一篇获奖文章。

When I was a little baby， my mom always taught me some unsophisticated English words such as "apples and bananas". When I became older， I learned English in a miraculous speed.

As an English genius， I could count from one to a hundred in English at my five. Although it is a small case for the children in a Chinese-English kindergarten， it was quite a difficulty for a young girl living in a remote city， which has no language environment. I tried to talk to a blonde Russian in English， but failed. Since then， I got afraid of speaking English.

Three years later， the most important thing that changed my attitude happened. A charming lady who used to teach university students became my new English teacher. It is she who led me to an extraordinary English world.

Her pronunciation was so attractive that I fell in love with their gracefulness. So I tried my best to imitate her. I wanted to speak English as freely as she speaks. In my life， she was a conjurer who showed me the real English world； she was a key-keeper who opened the door to my success； she was like the Eros who had shot me with her arrows to make me have a crush on English. With her help， I have developed hobbies like watching English movies and listening to English songs， even reading some original English books.

I also believe she makes English love me. If not， why can I learn English so well？ I have never recited grammar rules and English words， but just like what I wanted， now， I can speak English without fear only because I have the right feeling. While visiting Shanghai， I talked to some American girls in order to inquire of them where they had bought the goods I wanted. What's more， my brain has English mode.

Now， I am in Senior Two and my scores are always pretty high. I must say thank you to my childhood English teacher and my senior school teacher， who are not only modest but also appealing as well. No matter whether you are elegant or not， English can make you a better person.

Just like what the title has said， I love English and I have lost my heart to it. Thank you for giving me the chance to tell you about my love story with English. Now， it is what I had experienced， and the story must be continued.

When I became older是一个状语从句，与本文第一句结构一致，在表达上没有什么亮点。同时，表示“以某种速度”要用介词at而不是in。这里不妨体现与第一句的因果关系，改为：This might explain the miraculous speed at which I learned English when I became older.

首先，genius这个词意为完全天赋异禀、异于常人的“天才”，而作者想表达的只是外语学习能力比别人好，所以用linguistic talent这个词组更合适一些。另外，表达“在几岁时”要说at the age of five，而不是at my five。

表达学英语对作者而言不容易，可以换个思维表述，把difficulty改为feat。之所以了不起，是因为城里没有语言环境，这里应该更加明确地指出没有English language environment或bilingual language environment。

这句话前面应加上Once，表示“曾经”，因为这里需要明显的时间状语。But可以改为插入语however，变成“however， I failed”，使文章的句式更加丰富。

首先，in my life意为“在我一生之中”，而这里要表达的只是“在我高中期间”，所以应改为during my high school years。其次，排比和定语从句结合得很好，很出彩。用了三个定语从句把老师分别比作魔术师、打开成功之门的钥匙保管者以及希腊神话中的爱神，三个比喻都很生动形象。

这里用develop the habit of doing sth.这个词组会更简洁一些，改成I have developed the habits of watching English movies and listening to English songs。除此之外还可以用pick up a habit of doing sth.进行替换。

此句话作者想表达的应该是“我现在还认为当初是她让英语爱上了我”，这个拟人的修辞用得很好，但是需要注意时态！“老师让英语爱上我”发生在过去，并且现在已经完成，所以这里肯定要用had made。大家一定要杜绝这类错误。

要用不同的句型丰富文章句式，替换掉只是没有语法错误但表述平平的句子。此处可以用倒装句，将否定词前置。前半句用了现在完成时，有never这个否定词，所以我们可以直接把never提前，将前半句改为：Never have I recited grammar rules or English words.

这里想表达的是“我的头脑中拥有英语的思维”，但作者写的时候犯了很多学生都爱犯的错：把中文直接翻译成了英文。要注意，brain并不是有生命的物体，而且英语思维也不是长在脑子里的，所以不能直接用have。这句话可以改为：my brain has started to function in English mode.

这里不需要用现在完成时，为呼应标题内容，这里可表述为Just as the title says。

总评

此篇文章语言比较流畅，语法错误相对较少。读罢全文，可以感觉到小作者的确很喜欢英语，而且也很自信。文中有出彩的地方，比如排比句和定语从句的结合以及中间穿插的比喻修辞。文中多次出现宾语从句以及定语从句等复合句，可以看出小作者对于一般从句的掌握和运用还是很到位的。但是从句再好，也不能通篇都用。表达多样、多种语法结构相结合才是提升文章质量的王道。比如可以加入一些非谓语，把这篇文章里的一些状语从句改用非谓语作状语来表达，增强可读性。此外，还可以考虑运用倒装结构和虚拟语气。最后，小作者还要注意表达要地道。总的来说，本文虽然没有太多语法错误，但行文中还是存在一些中式思维的表达，显得不够地道。文中的用词也不是很出彩——词汇的出彩程度不是看词汇的高深程度，而是看地道程度。所以小作者还需加油，多读英文读物，多学习地道的英语表达。

教师简介：

崔潇，北京新东方学校中考英语优秀教师，拥有多年教学经验，专业基础过硬，善于帮助学生用英语思维做题，提升成绩；授课风格风趣幽默，致力于帮助学生趣味学英语、大幅提分。