2023 年高考新课标Ⅰ卷高分写作及教师点评

刘晨霞

（河北衡水中学）

【真题展示】

2023 年高考新课标Ⅰ卷

第四部分 写作（共两节，满分40 分）

第一节（满分15 分）

假定你是李华，外教Ryan 准备将学生随机分为两人一组，让大家课后练习口语，你认为这样分组存在问题。请你给外教写一封邮件，内容包括：

（1）说明问题；

（2）提出建议。

注意：

（1）写作词数应为80 左右；

（2）可以适当增加细节，以使行文连贯。

【写作指导】

审题：

体裁：应用文—建议信

人称：第一人称为主，第二人称为辅。

时态：一般现在时为主

谋篇：

第一段：进行自我介绍，然后点明写信目的：提出口语练习分组方式建议。

第二段：说明Ryan 进行口语练习安排的具体安排与信息，包括随机性、两人一组的方式存在的弊端：练习效果不够、缺乏群体语言环境等。随后提出建议，如自愿建组练习或根据口语水平分组等。

第三段：希望自己的建议能够被采纳。

【佳作展示·河北衡水中学·袁小惠同学】

Dear Ryan,

I’m Li Hua from Class 3.Here some humble advice on grouping is to be promoted to increase efficiency.

What I have heard is that,with the intention of improving our spoken English,we’re arranged to be divided into pairs at random.However,in spite of its obvious benefits,the potential inconvenience may lie in the small size and different levels of students.Personally speaking,it could be better if six students living near each other can form a group,by which thorough communication will be obtained.

Please adopt my proposal if it is practical enough.I’d appreciate it if you could think highly of it.

Yours sincerely,

Li Hua

【作品点评·河北衡水中学·刘晨霞老师】

本篇习作要点齐全（关于口语练习分组方式的问题与建议），句式多样（非谓语结构、主语从句、定语从句、条件状语从句、介词结构作状语、被动语态等）；细节补充得当（点明两人一组练习不到位的缺点和扩容分组的建议），逻辑清晰，衔接得当，连贯性好；长度合理（全文101 词），无拼写、语法错误。

预估得分：14 分

【真题展示】

2023 年高考新课标Ⅰ卷

第四部分 写作（共两节，满分40 分）

第二节（满分25 分）

阅读下面材料，根据其内容和所给段落开头语续写两段，使之构成一篇完整的短文。

When I was in middle school,my social studies teacher asked me to enter a writing contest.I said no without thinking.I did not love writing.My family came from Brazil,so English was only my second language.Writing was so difficult and painful for me that my teacher had allowed me to present my paper on the sinking of the Titanic by acting out a play,where I played all the parts.No one laughed harder than he did.

So,why did he suddenly force me to do something at which I was sure to fail? His reply:“Because I love your stories.If you’re willing to apply yourself,I think you have a good shot at this.”Encouraged by his words,I agreed to give it a try.

I chose Paul Revere’s horse as my subject.Paul Revere was a silversmith（银匠）in Boston who rode a horse at night on April 18,1775 to Lexington to warn people that British soldiers were coming.My story would come straight from the horse’s mouth.Not a brilliant idea,but funny;and unlikely to be anyone else’s choice.

What did the horse think,as he sped through the night? Did he get tired? Have doubts? Did he want to quit? I sympathized immediately.I got tired.I had doubts.I wanted to quit.But,like Revere’s horse,I kept going.I worked hard.I checked my spelling.I asked my older sister to correct my grammar.I checked out a half-dozen books on Paul Revere from the library.I even read a few of them.

When I handed in the essay to my teacher,he read it,laughed out loud,and said,“Great.Now,write it again.”I wrote it again,and again and again.When I finally finished it,the thought of winning had given way to the enjoyment of writing.If I didn’t win,I wouldn’t care.

注意：（1）续写词数应为150 左右；

（2）开头已给出

【写作指导】

1.主要人物

I（主角），my teacher，older sister

2.已知线索

“我”不喜欢写作却被老师鼓励参加写作比赛

→“我”因为怕被嘲笑不愿意参加

→老师再次鼓励“我”

→“我”决定参加比赛

→查阅资料、在姐姐的帮助下“我”完成写作

→老师看完后让“我”再写一遍，“我”反复修改文章

3.可续写线索

Para.1：（几周之后，当“我”几乎忘了这个比赛的时候，消息传来了。）第一段可以写：具体的消息是什么？（“我”在比赛中获奖）那么“我”的反应如何（心情：惊讶、激动、喜悦）？“我”在颁奖典礼上的表现是怎样的？

Para.2：（在颁奖典礼后，“我”前往老师的办公室。）第二段可以写：“我”见到老师后怎样表现？老师的反应怎样？“我”由此对于写作态度有没有转变（有）？

4.最佳思路

Para.1：“我”在写作比赛中获奖并怀着激动的心情参加了颁奖典礼。（本段主要写 “我”参加颁奖典礼之前和当时的表现）

Para.2：“我”向老师表达谢意并爱上写作。（本段主要写“我”和老师的互动和“我”对于写作想法的转变）

5.可接受思路

Para.1：“我”参加了颁奖典礼，但典礼上出现了波折让“我”更加珍惜这个奖项。

Para.2：“我”感激地向老师道谢，老师分享他的写作经历，“我们”都热爱写作。

6.不可接受思路

Para.1：“我”没有获奖，产生了自我怀疑。

Para.2：“我”向老师哭诉，老师安慰“我”并让“我”继续加油。

7.加分表达

（1）段落衔接好：第一段结尾写“我”在领奖时想起了老师，与第二段开头“颁奖典礼后”自然衔接；

（2）结尾有升华：结尾阐释人生哲理，主题升华。由于“我”和Revere’s horse 一样努力，“我”了解并提升了写作，最终获奖。由此，“work hard to win”的信念和写作带来的正能量都传达出来。

【佳作展示·河北衡水中学·马天悦同学】

A few weeks later,when I almost forgot the contest,there came the news.When I heard the news that I won first place,though I didn’t care the result,I couldn’t help being excited.My teacher told me that there was an award presentation,which was a chance for me.A few days later,standing on the stage,I received thunderous applause.Not only did it build my confidence,but also it reminded me of the enjoyment of writing and my social studies teacher’s words.Seeing his smiling face that was hidden behind the flash,I made a decision to go to his office to express my gratitude after the award presentation.

I went to my teacher’s office after the award presentation.Upon arriving at the office,I expressed my appreciation sincerely.“Had it not been for your help,I wouldn’t gain the enjoyment of writing.”He smiled,staring at me,and saying,“To tell you the truth,I think you’re just like Paul Revere’s horse,tired and doubted,but still keep going.So I believe that you will succeed and even better,gain the fun of writing.”At the moment,I realized that his inspiration was hidden in his laughter,and I knew I would continue writing,no matter whether English was my second language,just because of the enjoyment of writing.

【作品点评·河北衡水中学·刘晨霞老师】

本篇习作续写情节构建合理，充分照应了阅读部分埋下的伏笔，人物形象描写与情感变化合理，情节连贯，层层递进，环环照应，能够在理解原文基础上呼应前文，点明主旨。语言用词严谨，无明显用词不当或拼写错误。长短句穿插使用，有效地使用了语句间、段间衔接手段，结构清晰，语言风格整体一致，行文自然流畅，体现了写作者扎实的语法基础与写作能力。这是一篇优秀的习作。

预估得分：24 分