巧用书面表达范文 提高学生写作水平

武发俊

近几年，云南省高中毕业生复习统一检测试题质量较高，与高考切合度大、复习备考导向较强，深受各界赞誉。对省统测和高考英语书面表达的研究一直备受英语教师关注，然而对英语书面表达范文进行深入研究的教师却不多。范文，顾名思义就是一种满分作文范本。绝大多数英语教师对范文的态度几乎都是过分“迷信”其权威性，都将书面表达的范文视为完美答案，无视范文中出现的一些“问题”。作为一个集教学、教研和多年高考阅卷经历的英语教师，笔者以“批判性阅读”的视角，从文本印象、表达质量、语法逻辑等维度来审视近两年云南省高中毕业生复习统一检测试题（以下简称“省统测”）和高考英语全国甲卷中的英语书面表达范文，查找范文中的一些不适宜评满分的瑕疵或存在的问题并进行修正，在此基础上对范文进行适当深加工——修改和润色，使其更靓丽，更有“范”。

一、近两年省统测英语试题书面表达范文探讨

（一）2021年省统测（1）书面表达

1.书面表达英语范文

Dear Sir/Madam，

Im writing to sign up for the selection of little envoys of cultural exchange to promote the communication with foreign schools.

Above all， I have traveled to Europe twice for summer camps before， which helped me experience foreign cultures and look at things from different perspectives. Actually， I am chairman of Student Union， so I will be the right person to share Chinese school culture with foreigners， such as student clubs and school activities.

If you need to contact me， please call 6513099. I believe that the chance can broaden my horizon and make me grow in many ways. Thank you！

Yours，

Li Hua

2.范文中不适宜评满分的瑕疵或存在的问题

（1）第一段有写信目的，却没有写信的背景。

（2）第二段表述了两点申请理由，引出理由的连接词“Above all”“Actually”不太匹配。

（3）第三段中的句子“I believe that the chance can broaden my horizon and make me grow in many ways.”應该是申请理由，放在最后一段存在表达逻辑上的混乱，与上一句“If you need to contact me， please call 6513099.”关联度不高，思维有点跳跃式。“If you need to contact me， please call 6513099.”这一句在“申请”中有点生硬。

3.修改建议

若对上述范文进行以下调整，范文的“范”就能得到凸显。具体调整部分以斜体字再现如下：

Dear Sir/Madam，

I am Li Hua. Informed that youre selecting little envoys of cultural exchange， Im writing to sign up for it to promote the communication with foreign schools.

First and foremost， I have traveled to Europe twice for summer camps before， which has helped me experience foreign cultures and look at things from different perspectives. Besides， being chairman of Student Union， I will be the right person to share Chinese school culture with foreigners， such as student clubs and school activities. Last but not least， its an opportunity to broaden my horizon and make me grow in many ways.

If you need some more information， please do not hesitate to contact me at 6513099 . Thank you！

Yours，

Li Hua

（二）2021年省统测（2）书面表达

1.书面表达英语范文

Dear Tim，

How are you doing？ Anything fun？ Ive just joined my schools chorus club， which I enjoy very much.

With a total of 50 music-loving members， the chorus is very popular with students. We need every Tuesday afternoon in the school music hall to practice singing. Our conductor， one of my classmates， has chosen three classical songs， which we plan to perform at a charity show next month to raise money for the drought-stricken areas. Our music teacher is very supportive to our plan and she has promised to accompany us on the piano.

Could you write back and tell me about the student clubs of your school？ Looking forward to your reply.

Best wishes，

Li Hua

2.范文中不适宜评满分的瑕疵或存在的问题

（1）文本给人留下的印象不好，写信完毕签字处不适宜用“Best wishes”替代“Yours”。

（2）第二段中，句子“We need every Tuesday afternoon in the school music hall to practice singing.”明显有中式英语的痕迹，表达不地道。

3.修改建议

该范文有113个词，行文流畅、简练，尤其是第一段，用“Anything fun？”表达写信目的，简单明了，确实将自己置身于情境交际之中，但写信完毕签字处应将“Best wishes”改为“Yours”。第二段中，将句子“We need every Tuesday afternoon in the school music hall to practice singing.”改为“We need to practice singing in the school music hall every Tuesday afternoon.”更符合英语表达，较为妥当。

（三）2022年省统测（1）书面表达

1.书面表达英语范文

Dear Eric，

Im Li Hua， chief editor of the school English newspaper. We are starting a new column which welcomes readers to write articles for it. I wonder whether youd like to share your story. The requirements are as follows.

There must be many role models who have inspired you so much. The article is supposed to focus on the theme“A Role Model in My Life”. As for the length of the text， there is no limit. While submitting your work， dont forget to include a self-introduction， Finally， please send your article to teenstoday@126.com before the deadline of March 31st.

If you have any question， please feel free to contact me. Your contribution will be highly appreciated.

Yours，

Li Hua

2.范文中不适宜评满分的瑕疵或存在的问题

（1）第一段的“凤头”不突出，过于冗长；写信人是Eric的好友，没有必要再介绍自己“Im Li Hua”。

（2）第二段“猪肚”不明显，与第一段篇幅基本一样。

3.修改建議

该范文有119个词，表达流畅，文中分词用得很出彩，最后一段较精彩，凸显了“豹尾”，最后一句用被动语态句式替代常用的主动句式，确实比较巧妙。通过精简第一段、充实第二段、提升部分句子的表达水准后，以下范文会更加完美，具体调整部分以斜体字再现如下：

Dear Eric，

Being chief editor of the school English newspaper for a new column， I wonder whether youd like to share your article on it.

As follows are the detailed requirements. To begin with， the article is supposed to focus on the theme “A Role Model in My Life”， who has inspired you so much. And next， as for the length of the text， there is no limit. In addition， while submitting your work， dont forget to include a self-introduction， Finally， please send your article to teenstoday@126.com before the deadline of March 31st.

If you have some question， please feel free to contact me. Your contribution will be highly appreciated.

（四）2022年省统测（2）书面表达

1.书面表达英语范文

Dear Eric，

How are you doing？ Recently I have taken up the Chinese martial arts， which is great fun. Maybe you will also be interested in it.

Martial arts， also known as Wushu， is a traditional sport in China. I started practising it last month in order to build up my body and relieve the stress from study as well. As scheduled， we gather in the school gym to do the sport twice a week. Our coach tells us that Wushu makes people feel a sense of calm， confidence and peace. The one-month training has benefited me a lot. My health has improved significantly. And I have come to understand the concept of good sportsmanship.

Why not join me in practicing Wushu？

2.范文中不适宜评满分的瑕疵或存在的问题

（1）第一段表达虽简练，凸显了“凤头”，但读起来觉得有些普通。若在高考阅卷中评分，似乎少了点瞬间吸引阅卷人眼球的东西，或者說不够煽情。

（2）第二段中，练武术带来的好处：“...Wushu makes people feel a sense of calm， confidence and peace.”（武术使人有一种平静、自信、平和的感觉）“calm”和“peace”是近义词，显得重复。

3.修改建议

该范文有120个词，是云南省这些年来最漂亮的一篇英语范文。美中不足的是：

第一段读起来觉得有些普通，笔者草拟了以下两个第一段：

How are you doing？ Having taken up the Chinese martial arts recently， Im writing to show off my thrilling /enjoyable/pleasurable experience with you in excitement.（28个词）

Hows everything going？ Having been practicing martial arts for weeks， I have a strong desire （that Im willing） to express my burning passion for it in this letter.（27个词）

第二段中，谈到练武术的益处，人们首先想到的是“果敢”“坚毅”，若将句子“...Wushu makes people feel a sense of calm， confidence and peace.”改为“...Wushu makes people feel a sense of bravery， confidence and perseverance.”更好，既可避免用词重复，其观点表达也更容易被人接受和理解。

二、近两年高考英语全国甲卷书面表达范文探讨

（一）2021年高考英语全国甲卷书面表达

1.书面表达英语范文

Dear Chris，

Word came that our school is going to hold a class meeting whose topic is related to Chinese traditional customs. Because this activity will be presented on the English website， I sincerely want you to offer me some advice.

As far as we know， there is a huge cultural difference between China and the western countries. In order to get more clicks， youd better tell me which Chinese culture you westerners prefer. Whats more， if I want to decorate my website with some Chinese elements， what should I do？ Knowing you are interested in China， I do believe you can help me solve these puzzles.

If possible， you can reply to me as soon as possible. I will take your advice into consideration. I really appreciate your help.

Your，

Li Hua

2.范文中不适宜评满分的瑕疵或存在的问题

（1）该范文第一段“凤头”不突出，共39个词，不够简练。

（2）一些小细节的严谨程度不够，同样功用的表达用词重复。如第一段和第二段中都有“want somebody to do something”的句式；第三段中，“If possible， you can reply to me as soon as possible.”一个句子用了两个“possible”，稍显无趣。

3.修改建议

将第一段改为：

As schedule，our school will hold a class meeting related to Chinese traditional customs and presented on the English website， I sincerely wish you to offer me some advice.（30個词）

为避免重复，可将第一段“... I sincerely want you to offer me some advice.”中的“want”改为“wish”。第三段中，若将“If possible”改为“If convenient”，既避免了用词重复，效果也更佳。

（二）2022年高考英语全国甲卷书面表达

1.书面表达英语范文

When it comes to ocean， its pollution is becoming more and more serious. World Ocean Day， falling on June 8th， is aimed at raising awareness of ocean conservation.

Ocean plays a key role in our world. Not only does ocean offer us sufficient food， but also it maintains the balance of nature. Thus， it is imperative to protect ocean. First of all， what we can do is to place importance on our daily actions. For example， garbage cant be thrown into ocean. Whats more， we can also hand out leaflets to call on more people to protect the ocean. The more people are involved， the better the ocean environment is.

All in all， it is high time that we devoted ourselves to protecting ocean. To protect ocean is to protect ourselves.

2.范文中不适宜评满分的瑕疵或存在的问题

第二段中，句子“First of all， what we can do is to place importance on our daily actions.”有问题。

3.修改建议

在第二段句子“First of all，what we can do is to place importance on our daily actions.”中 ，具体的句子成分：“what we can do”作主语，“to place importance on our daily actions”作表语，当不定式作表语，前面主语有“do”时，后面表语“to do”的“to”应该省略，这个句子应改为：“First of all，what we can do is place importance on our daily actions.”

高考英语书面表达考查的关键点是在特定的语境中看是否达到交际目的，就是要求考生根据特定情境，明确写作目的与读者对象，把自己置身于具体的社交情境之中，使用得体的语言。高考英语书面表达要求写100个词左右的应用文，因此凝练简洁、沟通有效、组织得当、句式多样、用词丰富等都是对当下高考英语书面表达的具体要求。用英语书面表达范文的标准来指导英语写作教学和高考书面表达的复习，并以此来评价学生的书面表达水平，对于高三书面表达复习效率的提升和学生写作能力的提高有实际意义。

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