2018年6月浙江省高考英语读后续写试题分析（下）

◎王璐 浙江省富阳中学

习作点评

学生习作1

Suddenly a little rabbit jumped out in front of my horse.Never had I seen such a lovely creature in my life so I followed its track without thinking twice.But the cute rabbit，which aroused my interest，was quickly out of sight.In the process of seeking for it，I was totally immersed in the charm of nature.The luxuriant forests，the tiny flowers that perfumed the air，the groups of sheep in the far distance and the singing river all made me feel my soul purified.Both dad and I had forgotten the time and it seemed difficult for us to go back...

We had no idea where we were and it was getting dark.The lovely plants around us turned into a horrible appearance.The dead silence between dad and me made me more nervous and scared.Finally we decided to wait.At that moment，it was completely dark except the faint light given out of a few stars in the sky.All of a sudden，I saw torchlight moving and heard the voice of Uncle Paul.Instinctively I shouted back crazily.The fear and despair that had been building up inside of me just came to an end.Ultimately，we were back，safe and sound.Sitting in the guestroom，I found it really blissful to be accompanied by your beloved ones！

点评

这篇习作主题突出且故事情节符合逻辑。第一段中“我从未见过这么可爱的动物”与原文的思路契合、融洽度高，突出了作者对兔子的好奇和新鲜感。之后的情节是：不假思索地追兔子—失去兔子的踪影—沉浸在自然美景中。这些也合情合理，尤其是对环境和景物的生动描写给读者展现了一幅美丽的自然风光画面，烘托了作者骑马出游时喜悦的心情。最后一句话it seemed difficult for us to go back，话锋一转，与第二段首句自然衔接。第二段中仍然使用景物描写，并用lovely和horrible两词进行对比，同时借助动作描写和副词的使用如Instinctively I shouted back crazily，有效地体现了整个骑马探险过程中作者心情的变化：迷路前好奇愉悦—迷路后紧张害怕—获救时激动、如释重负—回家后温馨幸福。

习作中 使用 了丰富的词 汇，如：creature，aroused one’s interest，be immersed in，luxuriant，perfume，instinctively，blissful等。语法结构多样化，包括：①倒装结构：Never had I seen such a lovely creature in my life so I followed its track without thinking twice；②定语从句：But the cute rabbit，which aroused my interest，was quickly out of sight；③非谓语结构：I saw torchlight moving；④it作形式宾语：Sitting in the guestroom，I found it really blissful to be accompanied by your beloved ones！

改进建议：①习作中共有6个划线关键词语，但是第一个划线的track的意思是“踪迹”，应用复数形式tracks，且意思与原文不符，所以不能作为划线关键词语；②In the process of seeking for it中应该去掉for；③The lovely plants around us turned into a horrible appearance.这句话虽然语法没有问题，但是语义存在问题，建议改成：The lovely plants around us looked horrible now；④it was completely dark except the faint light given out of a few stars in the sky.此句中except应改为except for，given out of应改为given off by；⑤I found it really blissful to be accompanied by your beloved ones！这句话中人称代词不一致，your应该改为our或my。

这篇习作产出202词（不含开头语），应用了5个关键词语。总的来说，内容丰富、情节合理、结构紧凑、词汇和语法结构丰富、标点准确，建议判为第五档。

学生习作2

Suddenly a little rabbit jumped out in front of my horse.So cute was it that I wanted to keep it as a pet.I would feed it and take it outside，playing with the sheep.Therefore，I asked my dad if I could do the thing.He agree me to catch it.However，the rabbit ran away right away.So we chased the rabbit until we found ourselves get lost.The rabbit disappeared and I didn’t keep to the track.What’s worse，the place was strange to us.

We had no idea where we were and it was getting dark.We looked at each other，not knowing what to do.Suddenly，we heard the voice of water rolling down the river."We can follow the river for it is near the farm house."My dad came up with his idea and we did follow the river.After an hour，we finally made it.Uncle Paul was waiting for us for supper.From that experience，I have learnt a lot.We should be careful and try to use our knowledge when in nature.

点评

这篇习作产出160词（不含开头语），应用了6个关键词语。设计了被兔子吸引、追逐兔子、迷路、沿河寻找出路、返回农场等一系列情节，虽然没有生动的细节描写，但是情节合理、思路清晰，且与所给短文融洽度较高，与所提供各段落的开头语衔接较为紧密。文章的最后也有主题的呈现：如何野外生存。

习作中使用了一些较复杂的语法结构：①倒装结构：So cute was it that I wanted to keep it as a pet；②非谓语结构：I would feed it and take it outside，playing with the sheep.和We looked at each other，not knowing what to do。

修改建议：①I asked my dad if I could do the thing.应改成do it或do so；②He agree me to catch it.此句中agree用法错误，建议改成agreed；③So we chased the rabbit until we found ourselves get lost.这句话中用found ourselves lost即可，若一定要用get lost这个划线的关键词语，则应改成：we found that we had got lost；④Suddenly，we heard the voice of water rolling down the river.此句中voice一词使用不当，应改成sound。总体而言，该习作中的这些小错误没有影响意义的表达，可考虑判为第四档。

学生习作3

Suddenly a little rabbit jumped out in front of my horse."Oh，dad，there is a rabbit in front of my horse.Let me look at it."I said.Then I got of my horse and approached the rabbit."It is hurt.Can I send it back to its home."I asked."Sure.But we should be hurry.Because we can’t be late for supper and your Uncle Paul will be anxious."dad said.So we began to find the home of the rabbit.But the mountains were so big that we can’t find the home of the rabbit.And we were so buried to find the home of the rabbit that we forgot to care about the track.When we sent the rabbit back，we found that we got lost.

We had no idea where we were and it was getting dark.Exhausted and tired，we were so worried about ourselves."Sorry，dad.If I didn’t want to send the rabbit back.Maybe we won’t get lost."I said."No，you didn’t make a mistake.On the contrary，you did good.And don’t worry，your uncle will find us.We just need to wait for him."Dad said.In the end，Uncle Paul found us and we got home back.To my surprise，they all didn’t blame me and praise me about it.After then，I became helpful and warm-hearted.

点评

这篇习作产出208词（不含开头语），应用了5个关键词语。内容与所给短文关系密切，与所提供各段落的开头语也有较好的衔接。续写的故事是完整的，但情节的逻辑性不强。如：“我们”无法跟兔子交流，如何知道兔子的家在哪里？如何送兔子回家？文章的结尾“因为送兔子回家，从此我变得热心了”这一主题也显得有些牵强。另外，习作中使用了大量的对话，这是续写中不建议的做法，因为过多的对话会使文章显得啰唆，内容不够丰富，语言表达有限。

习作体现了该生尝试较复杂的语法结构的努力：①so...that...句型：But the mountains were so big that we can’t find the home of the rabbit.此句中can’t应该为 couldn’t；②非谓语结 构：Exhausted and tired，we were so worried about ourselves；③虚拟语气：If I didn’t want to send the rabbit back.Maybe we won’t get lost.可惜时态和标点符号用错了，应改成：If I hadn’t wanted to send the rabbit back，maybe we wouldn’t have got lost。

与前两篇相比，这篇习作中的语言错误明显增多，包括：①写作规范，如大小写（Dad）、标点符号（Can I send it back to its home）；②动词时态和搭配，如got of my horse应改为got off my horse，should be hurry应改为should hurry，be buried to find 可改为be absorbed in finding，praise me about it应改为praised me for it等；③语义表达错误，如：考生原本想要表达“他们都没有责备我，而是为此表扬了我”，但是他使用的这句话they all didn’t blame me and praise me about it.意思变成了“并非所有的人都责备我”，所以应该改成none of them blamed me but praised me for it。

总体而言，该习作中虽然错误不少，但是写出了较多与短文相关的内容，也尝试使用较复杂的语法结构，应用的词汇能基本满足任务的要求，建议判为第三档。

学生习作4

Suddenly a little rabbit jumped out in front of my horse.I felt so surprised because it was the first time I saw the little rabbit in the wild.My dad and I be quiet and followed the little rabbit.It stopped near a river and didn’t jumped.I wanted to got something to feed the rabbit.But when I approached，the rabbit was out of sight.I looked for it every place around us but didn’t find it again.When we looked the surrounding around us，we were so worried.

We had no idea where we were and it was getting dark.We knew that we were got lost.We didn’t where the farm house and didn’t find the way back.Suddenly，my dad said we had the track so that we can called the uncle Paul to picked us up.Finally，we backed to the farm house.This experience made me know that we shouldn’t follow the new things in the wild and when you went to the wild forest，must remember keep to the track so that you can be surveied.

点评

这篇习作产出161词（不含开头语），应用了9个关键词语，写出了较多有关内容，与所给短文关系较密切，与所提供各段落的开头语也有较好的衔接。第一段的情节合理，但是在第二段中因为不理解track一词（误认为是通信工具），导致设计的情节不合逻辑。语法错误非常多，主要体现在动词的使用，包括：①时态语态，如I saw the little rabbit应改为had seen，be quiet应改为 kept quiet，we were got lost应改为 we had got lost，we backed to the farm house应改为we went back to the farm house，can be surveyed（该词拼写错误）应改为can survive；②动词搭配，如wanted to got应改为wanted to get，looked the surrounding应改为looked at the surroundings等；③句子结构不完整，如We didn’t where the farm house and didn’t find the way back.一句应改为We didn’t know where the farm house was and couldn’t find the way back。这些语法和词汇方面的错误影响了意义的表达，建议判为第二档。

学生习作5

Suddenly a little rabbit jumped out in front of my horse.I am hard to see a rabbit，so I want to catch it.But our horses was be shocked.So it ran in a mess.My dad can’t conture it at all.When the horse came down.We were lost our way home.I was novires and asked my dad.“Did we get lost.”My dad sad we well find the way.

We had no idea where we were and it was getting dark.This is my first time that I got lost.I was so sciard that my heart jumped so fast.Uncle Paul must worried about us.But luckly，we saw a river.The river is bigger and the water is slower than the river near the Uncle Paul’s farm house.So we can go back with the river.Spend not much time，we saw the sight and the voice of the sheep.We got back finally.

点评

这篇习作产出137词（不含开头语），应用了6个关键词语，写出了一些有关内容，与所给短文关系较密切。但是，习作语言面貌简陋，大多是简单句，而且有大量的拼写错误（conture，came down，novires，My dad sad we well find the way，sciard，luckly）和语法错误（our horses was be shocked;We were lost our way home;This is my first time that I got lost;Uncle Paul must worried about us等）。更糟糕的是，文章中许多语句是根据汉语思维翻译过来的，词不达意。如：I am hard to see a rabbit;So we can go back with the river;Spend not much time，we saw the sight and the voice of the sheep等。

总之，这篇习作产出内容较少，语法结构单调，词汇数目有限，有较多错误，且这些错误严重影响了意义的表达，建议判为第一档。

结语

从2018年6月高考英语读后续写考生答题情况来看，学生的读后续写能力有了较明显的进步。笔者认为原因有二：其一，与上次试题相比，本次试题文本解读相对容易，故事有明确的主线和情节发展方向，开放性不是特别大，所以学生的创作不太会偏离主线；其二，读后续写连续考了三次，老师们对于评分标准已经比较清楚，在两年的备考过程中已经探究出不少行之有效的教学策略以提高学生的读后续写能力，学生也建立了自己的学习资料库，积累了较多好词佳句，丰富了词汇和表达，尤其是增强了形象生动的细节描写。

王初明指出，读后续写是结合阅读理解进行写作练习的一种方法，是提高外语学习效率的好方法。要提高学生的读后续写能力，教师既要培养学生的综合语言运用能力，又要发展学生的思维，尤其是逻辑思维能力和创新思维能力。因此，在今后的英语教学过程中，教师应在立足课本的同时有效补充课外阅读材料，重视培养学生深度解读文本的能力和分类积累语言素材的意识，通过开展微写作，提高学生读后续写的技能。