听我来讲小故事

本期的关键词是：unexplained，make up，officially，inspire，discourage。本期由来自江阴市山观高级中学的两位同学，为大家讲述他们的小故事。

PassageA

Who Are Aliens？

Our world is full of unexplained things， which attract many young people to explore them.Tom and Amy were two of them who were interested in these mysteries. They hoped one day they could witness aliens. One day， they were having a picnic with their friends near a river suddenly Amy saw a strange object flying over.“Look！”she shouted. “That's a spaceship and it is going to land there.”

Frightened by the strange spaceship， most of their friends ran away quickly. But Tom and Amy were excited about it， which inspired them to look for aliens. To their surprise， the door of the spaceship opened but nobody came out， so they went into the spaceship quietly. Amy went inside，followed by Tom nervously， so they didn't notice the door close behind them. The temperature in the spaceship fell suddenly and the two young people fell down and fainted.

When they woke up， they were amazed to find that they were lying near the river where they had a picnic just now. Tom and Amy thought that the adventure was a dream， and they didn't saw any aliens， so they were discouraged by this experience. They went home sadly. However，when they walked about 50 metres， they couldn't walk any further. There were something in front of them stopped them from moving. They looked up， noticing that they were kept in a box which was made up of five glass. An alien looked like an expert were making a speech officially to many strange creatures， “ Now， please allow me to introduce two aliens from the earth.”

教师点评

这篇文章是一篇科幻小故事。虽然和外星人相关的主题比较常见，但是令人意想不到的结尾却是小作者丰富想象力的体现。文章中故事叙述生动形象，文字表达十分流畅，正确使用了较多的在平时课本中的词汇和短语。分词做状语结构的恰当使用更凸显了语言的老练，如：“Frightened by the strange spaceship， most of their friends ran away quickly.”“Amy went inside， followed by Tom nervously”，文中定语从句的切入恰到好处，体现了小作者扎实的语言基本功，例如“Our world is full of unexplained things， which attract many young people to explore them.”“When they wake up， they are amazed to find that they were lying near the river where they had apicnic just now.”以上这些句型的使用，使文章结构丰富多样，有层次感。当然，文章中有两处错误是学生写作中常犯的共同错误，那就是汉语思维的定势，在“One day， they were having a picnic with their friends near a river suddenly Amy saw a strange object flying over.”中作者用一句话表达了两个意思，看上去十分的流畅，但是句子中出现了两个谓语动词，在这里，我们可以用一个十分好的句型来表达作者的意思，那就是be doing...when...正在做……这日寸……，“One day， they were having a picnic with their friends near a river when suddenly Tom saw a strange object flying over.”，另一个句子“There were something in front of them stopped them from moving.”也出现了两个谓语动词，可改为“There were something in front of them which stopped them from moving.”。

点评教师：江阴市山观高级中学 曹婷his punishment. But our officer shouted at us loudly， “In military camp， there is no individual， but a team. If one of you makes a mistake， all of you should pay for it； besides， you should help each other.” Later， we were forced to receive extra hard trainings. To my surprise， all of us in our team finished the task together better than expected. From then on， our team was always the No.1 when having competitions. Though the effects caused by punishment are still unexplained today，our officer said kept inspiring me to value the importance of teamwork. Meanwhile， I knew what was the real meaning of a soldier-well-determined， strict， cooperation， and devotion.

up to now， I still view it as a very hard time of my life in high school， but it is worthwhile. It teaches me how to be a part of a team and how to be a determined person， just like a real soldier.

江阴市山观高级中学 魏良坤

教师点评

在这篇文章中，作者描述了对军训一段难忘的经历。在回忆中，作者讲述了自己由对“军人”这个概念的不熟悉到真正理解它所包含的意义。故事采用了倒叙手法，按照事件发生的顺序展开叙述，并在最后一段写出了军训对自己人生的启示，对五个关键词都能使用准确。本篇文章的亮点是在于对内心的情感变化和心理活动的描写上：“It was a hard time for me.I had to obey so many rules and couldn't do what l like， which discouraged me a lot. What a terrible life l had！”在本文中，作者也恰当地使用了一些高级的从句，如：“l graduated from junior school in July 2015 when l met my first real challenge in my life， which means a lot to me now， even in future.”使文章在表达上不显单调。此文的不足之处在于：1.对于事件的描述有点哕嗦，还应该更加简洁，并紧扣主题。2.中式英语反复出现，due to的用法错误如“l couldn't put up with our officer was due to he was so strict and cold-blooded.”可改为“I couldn't put up with our officer because he was strict and cold-blooded.”：“our officer said kept inspiring me to value the importance of teamwork.”可改为“what our officer said kept inspiring me to value the importance of teamwork.”

点评教师：江阴市山观高级中学 曹婷