书面表达练与析

亚　玲

假如你叫李明，是一名中学生。请根据下图，向21st Century英语报投稿，反映中学生近视的普遍性，并呼吁注意用眼卫生。

注意：1.字数：100左右。2.信的开头和结尾已写好，不计入总字数。

Dear editor,

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

Sincerely yours,

Li Ming

学生习作：

Dear editor,

At the① present more and more middle school students are becoming near-sighted, mainly because they pay a② little attention to protecting their eyes.

First, they read whenever it is. Sometimes they read in the sun and sometimes they read in poor light. Besides, they read in③ everywhere. They read while walking or taking a bus. Sometimes, they even read as they are having meal④. Whats worse, some students are used to reading in bed. As a result, many students have trouble with their eyes, which do⑤ harm to their study and life.

In the eyes of me, middle school students shouldnt be so carelessly⑥ about their eyes. Dear editors, I hope you to⑦ do something to stop this and try to make them know the importance of protecting their eyes.

Sincerely yours

Li Ming

修改说明：①at present为固定短语，应去掉the。②attention不可数，因此应去掉a。③everywhere为副词，前面不可加介词，应去掉in。④meal为可数名词，根据语境逻辑meal应改为复数形式meals。⑤先行词为整个主句，应视为单数，因此do应改为does。⑥此处做表语，应用形容词形式，因此carelessly应改为careless。⑦hope后面不可接不定式做宾语补足语，因此to应改为can或will。

点评： 习作者用凝重严肃的口吻介绍了中学生不注意用眼卫生的严重现状，道出自己盼望编辑老师早日采取措施，提高中学生保护视力意识的迫切心情。First, Besides, Whats worse, As a result, In the eyes of me等过渡性词汇的使用增强了文章的连贯性和逻辑性。原因状语从句、让步状语从句、并列句、时间状语从句、定语从句等高级表达方式的运用增强了文章的表达效果，提高了文章的表达档次。所有这些给文章增添了亮丽的色彩。然而遗憾的是，文章也存在一些不足之处，出现了一些语言表达上的错误，如冠词错误、介词错误、名词单复数错误、主谓语一致错误、形容词副词混用错误、非谓语动词错误，表明习作者语言表达能力还不够成熟，有待于今后进一步提高。然而，从总体上讲本文不失为一篇成功之作，值得广大读者学习。

参考答案：

Dear editor,

At present more and more middle school students are becoming near-sighted, mainly because they pay little attention to protecting their eyes.

First, they read whenever it is. Sometimes they read in the sun and sometimes they read in poor light. Besides, they read everywhere. They read while walking or taking a bus. Sometimes, they even read as they are having meals. Whats worse, some students are used to reading in bed. As a result, many students have trouble with their eyes, which does harm to their study and life.

In the eyes of me, middle school students shouldnt be so careless about their eyes. Dear editors, I hope you can do something to stop this and try to make them know the importance of protecting their eyes.

Sincerely yours

Li Ming