别再等你的灵魂伴侣了

文/阿瑟·C.布鲁克斯 译/茹丘延 审订/陈秀

Do you believe in true love? Probably so: 94 percent of Americans say they do, according to one 2019 survey by the data-collection company Statista.

2True love isn’t too controversial, I think.But a large portion of Americans also hold some even more romantic—and less realistic—beliefs about love.According to a 2017 survey run by the dating site Elite Singles, 61 percent of women and 72 percent of men believe in love at first sight.Back in 2011, a Marist poll asked, “Do you believe in the idea of soul mates, that is two people who are destined to be together?”To this question, 74 percent of men and 71 percent of women answered “yes.”

3To many of those who believe in them, these widespread, almost magical notions of romance might be the essence of true love.Others might say that a more earthbound approach to romance is better—that true love over the long haul is a combination of good luck,free will, and hard work.The evidence shows that the latter group is correct.What’s more, engaging in fanciful ideas about romantic love can make it harder to find and keep.

你相信这世上有真爱吗？可能你会说有。德国数据统计互联网公司Statista 2019 年的一项调查显示，94%的美国人就这一问题给出了肯定的回答。

2我认为真爱并不会引起很大争议，但很大一部分美国人仍然对爱情持有一些过于浪漫而不太切合实际的观点。美国交友网站“单身贵族”2017 年的一项调查显示，61%的女性和72%的男性相信一见钟情。早在2011 年，马里斯特民调中心的一项调查就问道：“你相信灵魂伴侣的存在吗？也就是说，你相信两个人命中注定会在一起吗？”对于这个问题，74%的男性和71%的女性给出了肯定的回答。

3对于许多相信真爱和灵魂伴侣的人来说，种种广为流传、近乎神奇的浪漫情怀大概就是真爱的本质。其他人可能会说贴近实际的爱情观更好，因为真爱之所以能长久，是幸运相伴、你情我愿和一起努力三者共同作用的结果。有证据表明后者的观点是正确的。此外，如果一直沉迷于对爱情的浪漫幻想，那么找到真爱、维持真爱就会更难。

4Many studies have shown that popular culture and media tend to portray love and romance unrealistically,leaning disproportionately on love at first sight and living happily ever after.Research on Disney’s animated movies,for example, shows that the majority of them rely on exactly these themes.These films may, in turn, influence children’s and young adults’ views about romance.

4不少研究表明，流行文化和大众媒体往往将爱情描绘得不切实际：过分强调男女一见钟情，此后过上幸福生活。例如，对迪士尼动画电影的研究显示，大多数影片的创作都基于这些主题，而这些影片又反过来影响了孩子和年轻人的爱情观。

5Despite its popularity in stories and movies, love at first sight has little to do with reality.Researchers have found that what people describe as “love at first sight” has no connection to the real hallmarks of true love, including passion, intimacy, and commitment.

5尽管一见钟情在小说和电影中大行其道，但与现实却关联甚少。研究人员发现，人们口中的“一见钟情”与真爱的特质，比如激情、亲密和承诺等，没有任何联系。

6Even though it’s a fantasy, believing in love at first sight is relatively harmless for couples.That’s because it’s a retrospective narrative, not one that sets expectations about the current relationship or the future.Other idealistic but unrealistic beliefs can do a lot of damage.Take the idea of romantic destiny,or “soul mates”—the belief that two people are deliberately brought together by unseen forces.Research on hundreds of college students has shown that such expectations are correlated with dysfunctional patterns in relationships,such as the assumption that partners will understand and predict each other’s wishes and desires with little effort or communication because they’re a cosmically perfect match.In other words,a belief in destiny leads to a belief in mind reading.

6一见钟情虽然只是一种幻想，但相信一见钟情对于情侣来说倒也无伤大雅。因为一见钟情是对过去的描述，而不是对当前关系或未来进展设定预期。其他理想主义却不切实际的爱情观可能非常有害。例如，“爱情宿命论”（或者说“灵魂伴侣论”）认为两个人是由无形的力量刻意结合在一起的。一项针对数百名大学生的研究表明，这种期望与情感关系失调之间存在相关性。例如，人们会觉得不需要努力和沟通，伴侣就能领会和预测彼此的愿望，因为他们是天造地设的一对。换句话说，相信命中注定就会相信读心术。

7This wreaks havoc on relationships.For one, it hinders forgiveness after a fight (“You should know what bothers me without me having to tell you!”),which in turn increases distress and escalates the severity of conflicts.Researchers have also found that people who believe in destiny are more likely to end a relationship via “ghosting,”in which one partner abruptly cuts off contact, leaving the ghosted partner to suffer a breakup with no explanation.

8The opposite of “destiny beliefs” is a conviction of free will—the view that partners decide whether they should be together, and thus, that they are responsible for the relationship’s success.

9If you’re searching for the right relationship, you can avoid the pitfalls of destiny beliefs in three ways.

10First, remember that Hollywood doesn’t have your love interests at heart.When you indulge in a romantic comedy, consider its source.According to the U.K.-based Marriage Foundation,“A-list” screen stars have a divorce rate of 52 percent within the first 16 years of their first or subsequent marriages, more than 10 points higher than the rate after the same length of time among even the divorciest cohort of Americans, who wed for the first time in the 1970s; more than 20 points higher than Americans who wed for the first time in the 1960s;and 21 points higher than the U.K.average.Not even the creators of the movie can achieve the standard they are promoting.Enjoy the occasional romcom as entertainment if you must, but do so in the way you do science fiction,because it is about as unrealistic.

7这种想法会严重破坏情侣之间的关系，比如致使他们在争吵后难以原谅对方。他们会认为“你应该知道是什么让我心烦，而不是由我来告诉你！”这反过来又会加剧痛苦，加深矛盾。研究人员还发现，相信命中注定的人更有可能通过“突然消失”的方式来结束一段感情。也就是说，一方突然杳无音讯，留下被抛弃的另一方承受分手之苦，却得不到任何解释。

8与“命中注定”的爱情观相对的是“你情我愿”的爱情观，即认为要由双方决定是否应该在一起，从而对这段关系的成败负责。

9如果你正在寻找一份合适的爱情，有3 种方法可以让你避免陷入“命中注定”的圈套。

10首先，要记住好莱坞对你的爱情并不上心。当你沉迷于某部爱情喜剧片的时候，想想它幕后的故事。根据英国婚姻基金会的统计，“一线”影星在初婚或再婚的前16 年里，离婚率为52%。这一数据比离婚率最高的20 世纪70 年代初婚美国人，经过同等长度婚姻生活后的离婚率还要高出10%以上；比20 世纪60 年代初婚美国人的离婚率高出20%以上；比英国的平均离婚率高出21%。就算是电影的创作者也达不到他们所宣传的标准。所以，如果你一定要看爱情喜剧片，偶尔消遣一下倒也无妨，但要像对待科幻小说那样，毕竟，它们几乎一样不真实。

11Second, work deliberately to make sure that your romance grows beyond the white-hot flame that characterizes new love.Maintaining passionate love forever after is not only an unrealistic goal, but one that wouldn’t make you happy even if it were possible.On the contrary, the most joyful, enduring romances are those that are able to evolve from passionate to companionate love—which still has plenty of passion, but is fundamentally based in deep friendship.To increase the odds of success, as your romance progresses, don’t ask yourself,“Is our passion as high as it was?” but rather, “Is our friendship deepening?”

11其次，用心经营感情，确保感情不断加深，而不是止步于刚开始时的激情。在爱情中永远保持激情不仅不现实，即便能做到，也不会给你带来幸福。相反，最快乐长久的爱情能从激情之爱过渡为陪伴之爱。这种爱情仍然充满激情，但就本质而言是基于深厚的友谊。随着感情的发展，若想提高爱情成功的概率，不要问自己“我们的感情和原来一样浓烈吗？”，而要问“我们的友情加深了吗？”

12最后，开始一段关系前，先问问潜在的约会对象是否相信“命中注定”。如果有人说自己正在寻找“灵魂伴侣”，或者坦言相信“一见钟情”，那么这个人一开始可能会非常浪漫，但在接下来的几个星期或几个月里，极有可能因为你没能读懂他的心思而无法原谅你。他或许还会突然不接电话、不回短信、不回私信、不回邮件，与你失去联系。所以，找一个现实主义者更好。

12Finally, ask any potential partners about their destiny beliefs right from the start.Someone who says he is looking for his “soul mate” or who confesses to believing in love at first sight might seem wonderfully romantic at the outset, but a few weeks or months down the line, he’ll be disproportionately likely to be unable to forgive you for not reading his mind, or to suddenly become unreachable by voice, text, DM1= direct message 私信。,or email.Looking for a realist is a better bet.

13Enduring love is not some kind of cosmic switch, turned on once and for all by mysterious forces.Rather, it is a dial that we can turn up over time by the commitments we choose to make and keep to one another.Romantic love is very much like any other important pursuit: Success comes from our ongoing effort; satisfaction from a job well done.

14“Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,” Shakespeare wrote in his 116th sonnet, “But bears it out even to the edge of doom.” True love goes on and on, along sometimes bumpy roads.Challenges and low points are not evidence that partners are not meant to be together; rather, they are inevitable, and opportunities for growth.Long-term romance is such a sweet adventure precisely because it is not destiny.■

13永恒的爱情并不是某个世界的开关，一旦由神秘力量打开便永远存在。它更像个仪表盘，随着时间的推移，我们可以通过彼此承诺、互相履行来调节。追求爱情和追求其他重要的事物一样，只有通过不懈的努力才能收获成功，只有把事情做好才能收获满足感。

14莎士比亚在他的第116 首十四行诗中写道：“沧桑轮回，爱却长生不改，巍然矗立，直到末日的尽头。”爱情之路时而崎岖不平，真爱之人必会一路前行。挑战和低谷并不意味着两人不般配；相反，挑战和低谷是不可避免的，也是两人成长的机会。正因为爱情不是命中注定的，长久的浪漫才会是一场甜蜜的冒险。 □