营造续写故事“高潮”的两个技巧

刘昱榆

2016年10月浙江高考首次尝试读后续写，拉开了写作题的新局面。这不仅仅给学生，同时也给老师以一个巨大的考验。那么如何写好一篇续写，如何“打动”评卷老师便成了一个新的难题。

首先我们要了解读后续写具体的评分标准。阅卷时评卷老师需要考虑以下几点：

（1）与原文以及给出的两个段首句的衔接程度;

（2）内容的丰富性与故事的合理性;

（3）应用语法结构和词汇的准确性和丰富性;

（4）上下文的连贯性。

下面以一道原創题为例，探讨如何使用两个技巧来增强内容的丰富性与故事的合理性。

阅读下面材料， 根据其内容和所给段落开头语续写两段， 使之构成一篇完整的短文。

Terry Erickson was a tall boy; 13， starting to fill out with muscle but still a little awkward. He was on the edge of being a good athlete， though very slowly and that bothered him. But what bothered him even more was when his fathers eyes went away. Sometimes during a meal his fathers fork would stop halfway to his mouth， just stop， and there would be a long pause while his eyes went away， far away. After several minutes his mother would reach over and take the fork and put it gently down on his plate， and they would go back to eating–or try to go back to eating–normally.

They knew what caused it. When it first started， Terry had asked his mother in private what it was， what was causing the strange behaviour.“Its from the war，”his mother had said， “The doctor at the veterans（退伍军人） hospital call it the Vietnam syndrome（综合征）.”

“Will it go away？”“They dont know. Sometimes it goes away， sometimes it doesnt. They are trying to help him.”He stopped pushing it. But it bothered him whenever it happened. His father had trouble， and he knew almost nothing of the war. There just didnt seem to be anything that could help him.

His father was sitting in the kitchen at the table. It had taken some courage， more than Terry thought he could find. Terry got a soda out of the refrigerator and popped it open. As an afterthought， he handed it to his father and got another for himself. Then he sat at the table. His father smiled.“You look serious.” Terry tightened his back and took a sip of soda.“I was wondering if we could talk about something. Dad. Vietnam.”He looked at the table， then out the window. Now his fathers eyes were gone again as Terrys heart sank. Terry pushed his soda back and forth， looking down， frightened at what was happening.

注意：

1. 续写词数应为150左右：

2. 请按如下格式在答题卡的相应位置作答。

His dad took a deep breath， trying to look for a hidden box.

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Terry felt the fear， so he reached for his fathers hand and held it.

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什么是高潮？Herrick（1902）曾定义记叙文中的高潮（climax），也可称之为转折点（turning point），为故事中最紧张以及最扣人心弦的点，在这个时间节点故事中的主人公做出了一些决定并转变了故事的局面。

了解何为高潮后，我们就应着手思考如何营造故事中的高潮。本文主要出现了三个主要人物，Terry以及他的父母亲，由给出的两个段首句可以看出这个故事主要围绕着Terry与他父亲之间展开。Terry的父亲是一位退伍军人，在日常生活中他时常出现长时间呆滞的状态，引起了Terry对父亲过去生活的好奇，并由此展开续写。

技巧一：增加外部冲突。

Bell（2014）曾提到“没有冲突就没有喜剧”，“冲突”强调的是事物的“对立性”，也是推动故事情节发展的主要动力。根据戏剧理论，叙事作品的冲突包含了三种：人与人之间的冲突，人物自身的内心冲突，或人与社会或自然环境的冲突。无论是哪一种冲突，都可以通过营造人物观点差异，行为对立，或竞争需要等来表现。以2020年7月浙江高考读后续写为例，这篇文章的“对立性”体现在“我”和北极熊两个角色，通过两个“人物”的冲突推进故事发展。回到这道原创题，研读文本并分析语言后，故事外部的冲突可以着重于两个方面：

1. 自然与人物（越南战争与父亲）;

2. 人物与人物（Terry与父亲）。

首先，我们要从文本中的细节去挖掘人物对于事件的看法。从文本的结尾“I was wondering if we could talk about something. Dad. Vietnam.”He looked at the table， then out the window.”猜测故事走向，可考虑自然与人物的冲突——父亲与战争现场之间的冲突。例如，描述父亲对战争的厌恶，父亲对生命流逝的感伤等等。

续写不仅仅只有一个可能性，角色与角色的冲突同样也能将文章推向高潮。由文末的“Terry pushed his soda back and forth， looking down， frightened at what was happening.”这句话可以判断出，Terry是鼓起勇气问起父亲惨痛的经历。在首段中，Terry对越南战争的不了解以及父亲对战争的恐惧，同样可以通过对话推动情节的发展。我们来分析一下所给两个段落的首句：

His dad took a deep breath， trying to look for some photos from a hidden box.

从take a deep breath这个人物动作推断出父亲是极其不愿意提起过往的事情。

Terry felt the fear， so he reached for his fathers hand and held it.

fear一词再次强调了父亲的感受，同时本句话也表现出了Terry逐渐开始明白父亲的感受以及他的病因。

技巧二：加强内部斗争。

内部斗争其实指的是上文提到的人物角色的心理活动或心理斗争，若要将此部分发挥极致，首要的是要了解人物的性格特点和情感变化。当考生抓住了人物情感变化的主线时，文章后续的情节走向也就会十分清晰明了。

故事原文中两个主要人物的情感性格线索如下表所示：

Terry：

Terrys father：

由上表可见，一位是关心父亲却又胆怯的儿子，一位是恐惧过往却又深爱儿子的父亲。可以引导考生充分利用两个人物心理活动的矛盾来营造故事的高潮，例如儿子是如何从不解到理解父亲，父亲又是如何从害怕到勇敢面对过去等。

表达儿子明白真相后情绪低落的描述有：

（1）The last word went like a bullet to Terrys heart.

（2）Terry felt so sad that he found himself crying subconsciously， unable to hold back his tears.

（3）He felt that the blood in his body running rapidly because of the terrible photos.

表达父亲在儿子的安抚下勇敢面对过去的描述有：

（1）Hearing his encouraging words， Terrys father smiled with tears.

（2）Terrys innocent eyes hit the deepest of his heart.

（3）His eyes twinkled with endless hope every time he remembered this talk with Terry.

參考范文：

His father took a deep breath， trying to look for a hidden box. Inside the box were a piles of pictures about his worst memory. Terry could notice his dads hand trembling and reaching one of the faded photos. Meanwhile， Fathers nightmare came back vividly， which reminded him of the warzone， the chaos and the screaming. However， he took one out and said，“This is my best friend but he died of an unexpected explosion.”His description was beyond imagination. Terry felt so terrified and sad that he found himself crying subconsciously， unable to hold back his tears. Never has he expected how cruel the war was.

Terry felt the fear， so he reached for his fathers hand and held it. It was Terrys father who decided to break the silence， “I didnt talk about it because it wasnt anything fun.”Terry nodded his head， gazing through his dads broken soul.“Thanks， dad， for telling everything. I want you to know that from now on， mum and I will support you along the journey.”Terry wiped his tears， attempting to squeeze a smile. Hearing his sons encouraging words， the fathers face lit up. They both know it would be a long recovery but the fathers eyes twinkled with endless hope every time he remembered this talk with Terry.

点评：

第一，情节设置较为合理，细节丰富，与原文以及给出的句子衔接紧密。首段续写中描述了父亲给儿子描述战争的情形，用了心理活动和人物动作分别体现了战争的残酷。比如“nightmare”一词就精准具体地表现了战争在人们心中的形象。同时父亲的动作也十分生动形象，不是用了简单的“take a photo”，而是用“trembling and reaching”来丰富父亲的动作细节。第二段，Terry的“看”这个动作也并未使用“look”这样的上义词，而是使用了“gaze through”突出表现了Terry对父亲的一种理解和同情。同理，灵活运用了wipe， squeeze， lit up， twinkle等词，这为文章增添不少色彩。然而篇章有限，对于战争的描述一带而过，难以使读者产生共鸣。

第二，从语言层面上看，本篇续写句型多样并恰到好处，运用大量词块。比如首段开头使用了倒装句“Inside the box were a piles of pictures about his worst memory”;還有定语从句“Fathers nightmare came back vividly， which reminded him of the warzone， the chaos and the screaming.”;在首段结尾再次使用了一个Never引导的部分倒装“Never has he expected how cruel the war was.”除了句型，非谓语动词的大量使用也使得句子衔接自然，毫不累赘。

这篇文章对于情节描述较合理，首段通过主要营造人物内心活动的冲突，尤其着重描写了父亲对战争的回忆;第二段通过语言描写体现了人物角色之间解决“对立性”的过程。故事有起伏，有个完整的结尾，正能量的走向都升华了整篇续写，这也是当下学生需要努力的方向。

责任编辑 蒋小青