Conflict Can Be a Bonus

By Zhao Yongjiu

As it often happens,people tend to avoid conflict with their spouses for the sake of a sustainable relationship.But as a matter of fact,this may lead to some hidden troubles.Keeping discontentment and grievances bottled up in your mind is like pumping a balloon,which will eventually explode one day when the pressure becomes too much.

Conflict with your loved one is also an art.Healthy conflict can strengthen the bond in a relationship and deepen mutual understanding.

No Need to Fear Conflict

People who are terrified of conflict often grow up in a family full of tension and quarrels,with the father and mother often abusing each other,draining love and warmth out of the family.Children growing up in such families might have an aversion to their parent’s way of living.When they reach adulthood,some of them go to the opposite extreme,and run away at the slightest hint of discord with their spouses,creating a prevailing mood of harmony.But from a long-term perspective,they’re simply suppressing all discontent,which is unwise,and not helpful in building a lasting relationship.

In fact,conflictis the mechanism by which both parties get to know each other,and set boundaries.Via conflict,you’ll learn more about your partner’s expectations and dissatisfactions about you,and the understanding between you and your partner will increase.

Emotionally-charged Conflict

The reason why people often feel hurt after a fight is because some people resort to blame,criticism,and name-calling during an argument.They strongly oppose each other’s point of view,or even attack their characters.Although it works in letting off steam,it does great harm to the relationship.

人们往往刻意回避与爱人发生冲突，尽量不吵架，以求爱情更长久。可事实是，刻意回避吵架，反而会为婚恋关系埋下隐患。不满情绪压抑在内心，就像不断充气的气球，总有一天会因为承受不了压力而爆破。

吵架也是一门艺术，有效的争吵能增进两人的感情，加深彼此了解。

不要害怕吵架

通常，害怕吵架的人儿时多成长在充满争吵的家庭中，父母经常彼此伤害，家庭中缺少温暖和爱。成长在这样的家庭中的孩子，不认可父母的模式，成年后有一些人会在婚恋关系中极力避免发生争吵，制造一团和气，但从长远来看，是把种种不满都积压下来。子女的方式是父母的另一个极端，也是不可取的，不利于感情的长期经营。

其实，吵架是一个双方相互了解和试探边界的过程，通过这个过程，对方对自己的期望和不满，往往会通过吵架的言语传递过来，彼此会更加了解。

用述情方式吵

吵架之所以会伤害感情，是因为很多人吵架都使用指责、抱怨甚至中伤的话语，极力否定对方，甚至贬低对方人格。这很解气，但对双方感情危害极大。

述情就是用带着爱的方式表达自己的需求、想法和感受。比如，你完全可以带着情绪对爱人说：“今天下午说好了你来接我的，你居然忘了，我很失望，也很生气。”尽管语气中有情绪，但只是表达自己的感受，没有伤害对方的语言。这样的方式既可以宣泄情绪，又向对方表达了不满，还不会伤害关系。

及时修复关系

冷战对爱人之间的关系影响比较大，双方吵完架后，情绪先平静下来的一方要积极主动地修复关系。

情绪先平静下来的一方多半是女人，多数男人的情绪来得慢，去得也慢。女人如果情绪已经平静，要及时与对方修复关系，简单说就是去哄哄对方，并且可以趁机把自己更多的想法说出来，使沟通更加充分，彼此也更加了解。

Emotionally-charged communication means to voice needs,thoughts,and feelings with love.For example,you can tell your spouse,in a sulky mood,“You promised to pick me up in the afternoon,but you totally forgot about it.I’m really disappointed and upset.” Rather than resorting to hurtful words,it is the angry tone in your voice that exposes your feelings.In this way,you can not only vent out anger,but also express your discontent,and the relationship will not be ruined.

Restore a Relationship in Time

A cold war has a relatively big impact on a relationship.After a fight,the one who calms down first should take the initiative to break the ice and restore the relationship.

1.目前的纪录为300 千克。1931 年，世界重量级拳王麦克斯·贝尔在与对手俄尼·沙夫的对决中，挥出致命一拳。6 个月后，俄尼·沙夫因重伤身亡。

Generally,women cool off first,and most men are a bit slow to anger and slow to calm down.When women calm down,they’d better lead the way,and bring the relationship back on track in time.Simply put,to humor her husband,and,in the meantime,to tell him more about what she thinks,so that they’ll know each other better.

If the husband gets a grip on his emotions first,he should go and pamper the wife.Things are easier that way.Simply saying “I love you” will always work.Women,even in a rage,cannot resist the charm of the sentence.They just love hearing it.

But if the wife shuts down and refuses to speak at the time,the husband doesn’t need to worry.Give her some time,but try to resolve the issue within the day.

Avoid Having the Same Old Fight

This is the key to dwindling the times of conflict.Once you’ve argued about one issue,you must summarize the cause in a timely manner,communicate with each other actively,and find out if there is any room for improvement.If not,then you should accept it.

By actively solving the problem,and seeking for ways of resolving differences after a fight,both parties will find a better way to get along with each other,and they’ll eventually get into fewer arguments.

Following the above rules will improve happiness and well being by increasing intimacy in a relationship,and the bond between lovers will be tighter and more secure.

(FromAfter Work,July 2012.Translation:Zhu Yaguang)

如果这个时候对方还不愿意沟通，也不要着急，给对方一点时间，但这个过程尽量在当天完成。

每种原因只吵一次

这是使吵架的次数越来越少的关键。同样一件事情，一旦有过争吵，就要及时总结原因，积极沟通，寻找可以改进的地方。如无法改进，就接纳这一点。

积极地去解决问题。争吵过后就去寻求解决和调适的方法，彼此会越来越能找到与对方相处的方法，两人之间的争吵才会越来越少。

把握好以上几点，会使爱人之间更相爱，幸福指数更高，关系也更加牢固长久。

（摘自《八小时以外》2012年第7 期）