Life Is a Film

By Xiaoyin

One day when I came back home after work,I found a 100 yuan bill in the hallway.Perhaps this is a comedy film.

In order to keep it from being confiscated by my wife,I stashed the bill inside my anti-theft underwear.Yet,I forgot to take the money out before putting it in the laundry.So my wife found it,and I found it hard to vindicate myself.This is a tragic film.

I swore again and again to clear my name.But my wife didn’t believe it,and she even asked me to unlock my personal drawer for her to check.And she ferreted out a deposit receipt I hid then and there.This is a disaster film.

My wife flew to a rage,and immediately showered me with fists.For a moment,I tried my best to dodge her punches,but I had nowhere to escape.This is an action film.

When my wife was exhausted,she interrogated me,and gave me an ultimatum:admit the wrongdoings,or face the consequences.This is a crime film.

At an instant,I cried my heart out,and regretted what I’ve done,and wrote a lengthy apology letter to her,promising that I’d never make the same mistake again.This is an educational film.

Considering my sincerity,my wife forgave me,and she even bought some good wine and food to congratulate me for “making a thorough reformation and starting life anew.” I was in such a delight that I held up my wine glass in one hand,and gave my wife a thumbs-up in another hand,striking an awesome pose,and mumbling things like:“Drinking XX wine,and keeping wife’s words in mind,I’m lovin’ it!” This is a commercial.

Upon hearing my words,my wife was so elated that she kept planting warm kisses on my face.This is an erotic film.

Since then,my status has skyrocketed.Not only can I splurge openly,but also boss my wife around.Whenever my wife sees me,she’ll speak in a mild tone,shaking all over,like a mouse before a cat.This is a fantasy film.

(FromChinese Business Morning View.Translation:Zhu Yaguang)

下班回家，在楼道里捡到百元大钞一张。这是一部喜剧片。

为了防止被老婆发现后没收，悄悄把钞票放到防盗内裤里。不想洗澡换裤子时忘了将钱拿出来，不幸被老婆发现，自己有口难辩。这是一部悲剧片。

我又发誓又赌咒，为自己开脱，老婆不信，要我打开我的私人抽屉让其搜查，结果偷存的存单被当场查获。这是一部灾难片。

老婆恼羞成怒，粉拳频频向我袭来，一时间，我慌不择路，只得左闪右躲。这是一部暴力片。

老婆打累了，对我展开了进一步的盘问，向我发出了最后通牒：如果再执迷不悟，不如实交代，一切后果自负。这是一部警匪片。

一时间，我痛哭流涕，悔不当初，给老婆写下一篇万言悔过书，保证今后决不再犯。这是一部教育片。

由于态度真诚，老婆终于原谅了我，还去街上买回好酒好菜庆祝我“洗心革面，重新做人”。我一高兴，拿着酒杯对着老婆竖起大拇指，摆了一个极酷的造型，嘴里还念念有词：“喝××酒，听老婆的话，你好我也好！”这是一部广告片。

听了我的话，老婆喜出望外，不停地将热吻往我脸上粘贴。这是一部艳情片。

自那以后，我的家庭地位陡升，不仅可以明目张胆地花钱，还可以随时对老婆大呼小叫，老婆一见了我，就像老鼠见到猫，轻言细语，浑身发抖。这是一部科幻片。

（摘自《华商晨报》）