I Really Am an Alien

By Mr.Refiner

What you are about to read is my submission for the Nobel Prize in literature, and you are pretty lucky to be able to read it if you ask me.It proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am an alien.I've found it tough getting acclimated to life on this planet over these past decades.

I say I'm an alien on account of the fact that the thing you humans refer to as money is unearnable for an extra terrestrial like myself.I'll give you an example if I may.The minute I buy a stock, it's sure to crash through the floor.Or how about Bitcoin? I mean, the value of it has soared to historic heights, but I never bought in.My account is always just one number that never changes as the years go by.The funny thing is, Earthlings all seem to have this otherworldly sense of how to make money.

这是我即将申请诺贝尔文学奖的一篇文章，你能读到是非常幸运的。这篇文章即将论证，我其实是个外星人。因为我发现自己生活在地球几十年，还是很难适应。

说自己是外星人，因为我发现，我总是赚不到你们人类所说的金钱。比如：我只要一买股票就被套住；比特币价格创下历史新高，是的，我没买；账户里的数字，一年到头也没多大变化。奇怪的是，地球人好像都很擅长赚钱。

就拿我朋友圈里的人来说吧：有些人吃吃喝喝，一年到头啥都不做，到处旅行；有些人随便拍张照片，不经意间，拍的都是名车的方向盘、闪着钻的戒指和限量版手袋。

更奇怪的是，竟然有人买什么都赚钱，还号召别人跟他一起干。有些人给我发信息，邀请我加入什么组织，说免费教我理财赚钱之类技能。你们人类真的好伟大啊，不仅自己能赚钱，还一定要让别人赚钱。

我缺乏地球人的这种能力，别说赚钱，就连几十年以来参加过的所有抽奖，连袋洗衣粉都没中过。

除了在你们地球上赚不到钱，我至今也没学会地球上的语言。比如有些人明明很想要，嘴上非要说不要，你真不给吧，他们还生气。

我娶的地球太太更难沟通。她说自己快过生日了，我说：好啊。她就很生气地说：你怎么不说送礼物？我说：你没要啊。

地球上还有很多有意思的事情，我也看不明白。比如我的一个同事，每天都懒得走路，买一个自动摇来摇去的东西，把手机夹上面，然后晚上发手机截图说，今天又走了几万步，这就是运动的快乐。比如看电影只需要看就好了，有些人总是忘不了运动，拼命地抖腿。比如地球上明明有70 多亿个差不多的人，每个人都觉得自己是最重要的那一个，遇到一点点小事就大呼小叫。

只要我想打车，出租车都很高冷地不理我。只要我在等专车，就会有出租车停下问我去哪里。

只要我去4S 店卖车，他们就说，新车现在打折都很厉害。只要我想买车，他们就说新车从不打折。

只要我办了年卡，那家店就特别容易倒闭。只要我没办年卡，那家店的生命力就非常顽强。

我不是倒霉，只是不适应地球生活罢了。

（摘自《终有一天你会懂》中信出版社）

Take my own friend's circle for example, some of them do nothing but go out to eat, sleep and travel around the whole year.On the random photos some of them posted online, one could bump into the wheel of a new luxury car, a diamond ring and a limited edition handbag from time to time.

Funnier still is that, there are people who turn everything they touch to gold, and they are always looking for someone else to join them in their moneymaking schemes.A few of them have texted me asking if I'd like to join their little group.They said they'd teach me about finance and making money completely free of charge.I've just got to say, you Earthlings are about as magnanimous as they come! You yourselves are so great at making money, yet you still want to reach out and help other people the art of the deal.How great is that?

I don't have that natural, Godgiven Earthling knack.Forget about making money.In my years on this planet, I've never won anything.Not even a box of laundry detergent.

Anyway, it's not just the fact that I can't make money on the Earth, I still can't speak your Earth speak.Some people say they don't want something when they clearly do, and then they get angry when you don't give it to them.

The Earth wife I married is even harder to communicate with.She tells me her birthday is coming up, “That's great.” I say.Then she gets huffy with me and demands to know why I wasn't planning to give her a gift.“But you didn't ask me for one!” I tell her.

You Earthlings do some pretty amazing things that I can never, ever wrap my head around in a million light years.Like the case of my co-worker who doesn't like to move.He bought himself this little thingamajig that shakes his phone while he's curled up all comfy-cozy in front of the tube with a jumbo bag of chips and “Quintuple Quaff” soda pop.At night he'll send out his daily screenshot of his ten-thousand step “achievement” with a caption reading “the joys of exercise.” There are also some Earthlings out there who, even when watching their movies, won't forget to exercise and shake their legs.There are more than 7 billion people on the planet, but everyone is looking out for number one.Any minor setback happens and they'll throw an unholy hissy fit.

It seems like the moment I'm desperate to take a taxi, almost all drivers passing by give me the cold shoulder.But, whenever I'm waiting for the taxi I've hailed online, a taxi will stop and ask me where I want to go.

As long as I go to the 4S store to sell a car, they'll give me this line about how all new cars are being sold at a discount.If, on the contrary, I want to buy a car, they'd say that new cars are never discounted.

It seems like the moment I buy a membership card to some store, it will go out of business within the week.But as long as I hold out of the membership card, the store just seems to have been gifted with eternal life and immortality.

It so happens like clockwork, and everything proves that I'm not just unlucky.I really am an alien to life on Earth.

(From So meday You'l l Understand, CITIC Press Group.Translation: Chase Coulson)