How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Children如何养育出情绪健康的孩子

达琳·朗瑟

Children learn who they are and how to identify， value， and communicate needs and feelings through interactions with their parents. Thus， how you communicate with your children is critical to the formation of their identity and to a large extent determines how secure their sense of self and self-esteem are. Here are traits of healthy families that allow children to develop into independent， functional adults： Free expression of thoughts， feelings， and observations; equality and fairness for all; healthy communication; reasonable rules; nurturing1 and supportive; healthy boundaries; problem solving.

As parents， here are seven key things you can do to ensure your children grow into independent adults：

Allow freedom of information

One of the main characteristics of healthy families and organizations， even countries， is freedom to express thoughts and observations. Secrets and no-talk2 rules are common in dysfunctional3 families. For instance， forbidding mention of grandma’s limp or daddy’s drinking teaches children to be fearful and to doubt their perceptions and themselves. Children are naturally inquisitive about everything. This is healthy and should be encouraged， not squelched4.

Show your children respect

Showing respect means that you listen and take them seriously， which communicates that who they are and what they think and feel have worth and merit. You don’t have to agree with what they say， but listening to understand shows that you respect them and teaches them self-respect. Speak to your children with courtesy. Avoid criticism， which is destructive to self-esteem.

Instead， praise the behavior you desire. You can set limits and explain negative consequences of behavior you dislike without name-calling5 or criticizing， such as， “It makes me and others angry when you tie up6 the bathroom for half an hour. We’re all kept waiting，” instead of， “You’re selfish and inconsiderate to tie up the bathroom.” When you treat your child with respect， they will treat others with respect.

Accept your children’s feelings

Many clients tell me that they weren’t allowed express anger， complain， feel sad， or even get excited. They learned to repress their feelings. This becomes problematic in their adult relationships and can lead to depression. With good intentions， often parents say， “Don’t feel sad， （or jealous， etc.）” or “Don’t raise your voice.” Allowing children to express their feelings provides a healthy outlet.

Feelings needn’t be rational， nor do you have to “fix” them. Instead， comfort your children and let them know you love them， rather than try to talk them out of how they feel. Expressing feelings doesn’t mean that they should be free to act on7 them. Tommy can be angry at his sister， but it’s not okay to hit her.

Respect your children’s boundaries

Respecting children’s thoughts and feelings is a way of respecting boundaries. Verbal abuse and attacks violate their boundaries， as does unwanted touch and sexual exposure or intimacy. This also includes tickling8 beyond a child’s comfort level. Additionally， children’s property， space， and privacy should be respected. Reading their mail or diary or talking to their friends behind their back9 are off-limits.

Allow children age-appropriate decisions， responsibility， and independence

Children need support in learning how to problem-solve and make decisions. Parents usually err on one extreme or the other. Many children must take on adult responsibilities too young and never learn to receive or rely on anyone. Some children are controlled or pampered10， become dependent and don’t learn to make their own choices， while others are given unlimited freedom without guidance.

Children resist control because they seek self-control. They naturally push for11 independence， which isn’t rebelliousness and should be encouraged. Age-appropriate limits teach them self-control. When they’re ready to test their wings， they need guidance to help them make their own decisions plus the freedom to make and learn from mistakes.

Have reasonable， predictable， humane rules and punishments

Children need a safe， predictable， and fair environment. When rules and punishments are arbitrary， harsh， or inconsistent， instead of learning from mistakes， children become angry and anxious， and learn to distrust their parents， authority， and others. Rules should be explicit and consistent， and parents need to be united.

Rather than base rules and punishments on emotions in the moment， think through what’s important and what is reasonably enforceable， which varies as children age and are more independent. Explain rules to older children， allow them to question you， and have good reasons to back up12 your decisions. Research has shown the physical punishment can lead to emotional problems in adulthood. The best punishments are reasonable， humane， and relate to the natural consequences of the wrong-doing.

Nurture your children

You can’t give them too much love and understanding. This isn’t spoiling them. Some parents use gifts or not setting limits to show love， but this isn’t a substitute for empathy and affection， which are necessary for children to grow into confident， loving adults.

孩子在和父母的互动中学会认识自我，学习如何确认、评估并和别人交流自己的需求与感受。因此，父母与孩子的沟通方式，对他们自我认同的形成至关重要，并在很大程度上决定了他们自我感觉和自尊的安全稳定程度。健康家庭能让孩子成长为独立的、积极生活的成年人，以下是这些家庭的特征：自由表达想法、感受，发表评论;平等、公平对待所有人;沟通顺畅;规则合理;给予教养与支持;边界明晰;解决问题。

父母可以做到以下7个关键方面，以确保孩子成长为独立的个体：

允许信息自由

健康的家庭、组织，乃至国家，最主要的特征之一就是想法和评论的自由表达。关系失常的家庭中常常存在秘密和禁言规则。例如，禁止提及祖母跛足或父亲酗酒，这只会让孩子害怕，怀疑自己的认知及自我怀疑。孩子天性好奇，对一切事物都有探索的欲望。这种好奇心是健康的，应该鼓励而非压制。

尊重孩子

尊重孩子意味着能够倾听他们的想法，并认真地对待，这会让孩子体会到自我的认知、想法和感受都是有价值、有优点的。你不必非要同意他们的观点，但是以理解为目的的倾听会讓他们感受到尊重，也将教会他们自重。有礼貌地与孩子讲话，避免指责，因为指责会摧毁孩子的自尊。

与指责相反，当孩子的行为符合预期时，赞扬他们。你可以设定限制，并解释你不喜欢的行为会导致的负面后果，但不要辱骂或指责。例如，可以说“你占用卫生间半个小时，这让我和其他人都很生气，因为我们都在等着使用卫生间”，但不要说“你很自私，不考虑别人，一直占用卫生间”。当你尊重孩子，他们就会同样尊重他人。

接受孩子的感受

很多客户告诉我，他们小时候不被允许表达愤怒、抱怨、伤心甚至兴奋。他们学会了克制自己的感情，而这在成年后的关系中会造成问题，甚至会导致抑郁。父母常常会说“不要难过（或嫉妒等）”或者“不要提高声音”，尽管他们的动机是善意的。允许孩子表达自己的感受，可以给孩子提供一个健康的宣泄出口。

感受不必是理性的，你也不必去“修正”感受。相反，你要安慰孩子，让他们知道你爱他们，而不是试图劝说他们走出自己的感受。然而，表达感受并不意味着他们可以任意随感受行事。汤米可以和姐姐生气，但不可以打姐姐。

尊重孩子的边界

尊重孩子边界的方式之一是尊重他们的想法和感受。言语辱骂和攻击，正如非自愿的触碰、暴露性器官或亲密行为一样，侵犯了孩子的边界，这类行为还包括令孩子感到不舒服的呵痒。此外，孩子的个人物品、空间和隐私应当得到尊重。私自阅读孩子的信件、日记，或背地里与他们的朋友谈话，都是应该禁止的越界行为。

给孩子与其年龄相适应的决策权、责任和独立性

孩子在学习怎样解决问题、怎样做决定方面需要支持，而父母常常走向两个错误的极端。很多孩子很小时就必须承担成年人的责任，从没有学会去接受或依靠他人。有些孩子被父母控制或娇生惯养，变得依赖父母，学不到怎样自己做选择，而另一些孩子在没有引导的情况下被容许没有限制的自由。

孩子抗拒父母的控制，是因为他们寻求自我掌控。奋力争取独立是他们的天性，这并不是叛逆，所以应当鼓励。与年龄相适应的限制教会孩子自制。当孩子准备好初试羽翼时，他们需要父母的指导，来帮助他们做出自己的选择，同时也需要有自由的空间去犯错误并从中吸取教训。

设定合理的、可预见的、人道的规则和惩罚

孩子需要一个安全、可预测且公正的环境。当规则和惩罚随意、苛刻或前后不一致，孩子非但不会从错误中吸取教训，反而会生气、焦虑，变得不信任父母、不信任权威、不信任他人。规则应该清楚明确、前后一致，而父母也需要联合一致。

不要把规则和惩罚建立在一时的情绪上，要仔细思考什么是重要的、什么是可以合理地强制实施的，这两者会随着孩子逐渐长大独立而改变。对大一点的孩子，要向他们解释规则，允许质疑，并给他们合适的理由以支持你的决定。研究表明，体罚可能导致成年后的情感问题。最好的惩罚应该是合理的、人道的，并与所犯错误自然导致的结果相关。

教养孩子

你给孩子的爱和理解永远不嫌多。这不是溺爱他们。有些父母用赠送礼物或不设限制来表达他们的爱，但这些并不能代替父母的共情与慈爱。孩子要成长为自信的、充满爱的成年人，父母的共情与慈爱是必要条件。