吃烟 On Smoking

贾平凹

吃煙是只吃不进，属艺术的食品和艺术的行为，应该为少数人享用，如皇宫寝室中的黄色被褥、警察的电棒、失眠者的安定片;现在吃烟的人却太多，所以得禁止。

禁止哮喘病患者吃烟，哮喘本来痰多，吃烟咳咳咔咔的，坏烟的名节。禁止女人吃烟，烟性为火，女性为水，水火生来不相容的。禁止医生吃烟，烟是火之因，医是病之因，同都是因，犯忌讳。禁止兔唇人吃烟，他们噙不住香烟。禁止长胡须的人吃烟，烟囱上从来不长草的。

留下了吃烟的少部分人，他们就与菩萨同在，因为菩萨像前的香炉里终日香烟袅袅，菩萨也是吃烟的。与黄鼠狼子同舞，黄鼠狼子在洞里，烟一熏就出来了。与龟同默，龟吃烟吃得盖壳都焦黄焦黄。还可以与驴同嚎，瞧呀，驴这老烟鬼将多么大的烟袋锅儿别在腰里！

我是吃烟的，属相上为龙，云要从龙，才吃烟吞吐烟雾要做云的。我吃烟的原则是吃时不把烟分散给他人，宁肯给他人钱，钱宜散不宜聚，烟是自焚身亡的忠义之士，却不能让与的。而且我坚信一方水土养一方人，是中国人就吃中国烟，是本地人就吃本地烟，如我数年里只吃“猴王”。

杭州的一个寺里有幅门联，是：“是命也是运也，缓缓而行;为名乎为利乎，坐坐再去。”忙忙人生，坐下来干啥，坐下来吃烟。

Smoking mimics the act of eating only nothing passes into your guts. It is a form of connosieurship akin to art appreciation and fine cuisine. Like the bed chambers in the imperial palace， the stun guns used by police officers， and the tranquillisers used by insomniacs， it exists to be used by the few. Nowadays， there are too many smokers and it should be outlawed.

Asthmatics should be forbidden from smoking. They have too much pent-up phlegm. When they smoke they will hack and give cigarettes a bad reputation. Women should be prohibited from smoking since tobacco belongs to the element of fire and the female sex to the element of water. The two cannot coexist. Physcians should be banned too because smoke is the root of fire， just as there would be no doctors if there were not first of all illness. They are both tied to the cause of certain phenomena， so for them to mix would be taboo. Those with a hare-lip should be proscribed as well， for they cannot balance a cigarette in their mouths. Ditto， gentlemen with lengthy facial hair. Whoever has seen grass growing inside a chimney breast？

A tiny minority would still be permitted to smoke. They would be allowed to live like the Bodhisattva. All day long censers in front of the Buddha statue exhale perfumed clouds， so that he is a fellow smoker. Smokers can jig together with the skunk， which secretes itself in its warren until the stench proves unbearable. Those addicts keep silent together with the turtles. The turtle smokes until its shell is stained sallow. They can also bray together with the donkeys. Behold， both tuck their pipes about their waists when not in use， but the donkey’s is humongous！

I am a smoker. I was born in the Year of the Dragon. Clouds circulate around the dragon. He can only generate these after swallowing smoke. My principle of smoking is that I don’t pass out cigarettes to others; I would rather give them money. For it is good to spread out money rather than hoard it. Tobacco is a kind of loyal and faithful retainer who would rather he himself be burnt to death. Thus， one should not offer it to others. I firmly believe that man is the product of his environment. Chinese people should smoke Chinese cigarettes. Local people should smoke locally-produced tobacco. For instance， I’ve stuck to the Shaanxi-made Monkey King for years.

A couplet on the architraves of a temple in Hangzhou states： “Whether through fate or luck， persist in your life slowly; whether for fame or for gain， sit for a while before you leave.” In the midst of a busy life， why should people sit down？ Just sit down and smoke.