When I’m Emperor

By Chen Cang

During the Era of the Republic of China, a group of bachelors got together to talk about their dreams of being emperor.

The beggar said: I’ve never eaten a full meal before in my life.When I’m emperor, I’ll have biangbiang noodles at every meal.The noodles will be longer than the belt around your waist.They will be coated with oil so runny and red that you’ll be able to see your own shadow in it.Two large bowls of noodles and a large bowl of noodle broth to wash it down with.Stuffed and glutted, just like a rich man’s father.

The barber said: Noodles? What are noodles in comparison to meat? All my life, the only time we’ve gotten to eat meat was at New Year.We’d spend the other eleven months of the year yearning for meat.When I’m emperor, I’ll spend every meal gnawing on some meat.The meat slices will be twice the size of my barber’s knife.One bite and you’ll have fat pouring out of the sides of your mouth; add a mouthful of Qinchuan Liquor and fragrant smell will be wafting all around.Eating well, drinking well, and in good health; standing on the street, you’ll look as imposing as a police officer.

The gambler said: Pshaw! Gluttons’ lives aren’t any better than that of a ghost.Life is but a dream, you’ve got to make the most of it.You only get one life, of course you need to eat well, but you have to have even more fun.When I’m emperor, I’ll turn all these stores on this street into casinos and gamble all day long.Who would dare to take the emperor’s money? I’d win every hand and take every game.I’d live happier than the heroes of Liangshan.

The “john” said: I’ve gambled for thirty years and everyone just pockets their own money.There are no friends in the casino, friendships get injured and health gets hurt.Life is like a blade of grass; you’ve got to play around.Wait till I’m emperor, I’ll send a group of guards to Mrs.Bai’s and have them guard her brothel night and day.Besides me, the emperor, no one else would be allowed in or out.Whoever dares to enter would be turned into a eunuch by the Imperial Household Department on the emperor’s orders.

The manure collector said: What does eating, drinking,or being merry have to do with anything? Only people with power, status, and domain are truly impressive.Look how mighty the emperor is in Shaanxi opera.When you’re the emperor, whatever you say goes.When I’m emperor, the first thing I’ll do is issue an imperial decree stating that the horse dung on the road, the donkey poop on the country dirt trails, the cattle manure on the hillsides, and the sheep’s droppings on the cliffs all belong to my family and no one else may pick them up.Anyone who disobeys this command will have their heads chopped off.

(FromA Bright Mirror Hung on High, Sanqin Publishing House.Translation: Sam Bowden)

光棍汉的皇帝梦

文/陈仓

民国时期，一帮光棍凑在一起讲自己当皇帝的梦想。

讨饭的说：从小到大，咱没吃过一顿饱饭，等咱当了皇帝，一天吃三顿油泼辣子扯面，面条比裤腰带长，油泼辣子稀溜溜红得照出人影儿。两大碗干面，一大碗面汤，吃饱了，喝胀了，咱就和财主他爸一样了。

剃头匠说：面哪里有肉香？从小到大，只有过年才能吃一回肉，一年四季馋得慌啊。等咱当了皇帝，顿顿咥肉片，那肉片要比我的剃头刀子大一倍。咬一口肉，满嘴角流油；嘬一口秦川大曲，满屋飘香。吃喝好，身体壮。街面前一站，和保长一样气派。

耍钱的（赌徒）说：呸！饿死鬼活着不如吊死鬼。人生如梦，抓紧胡弄。人活一辈子，既要吃好，更要耍好。等咱当了皇帝，咱把这街面前的铺子都改成场子（赌场），从天明耍到天黑。谁敢赢皇上的银子？把把和，场场赢。比梁山好汉快活啊。

串门子的（嫖客）说：牌打三十年，各装各的钱。赌场没朋友，伤了和气伤身体。人命如草，抓紧胡搞。等咱当了皇帝，派一哨御林军日夜把守白二寡妇家的窑洞，除了朕，任何人不得进出。谁敢去，朕命内务府把他弄成太监。

拾粪的说：吃喝玩乐算个啥，人活着有权有势有地盘才叫威风。老戏（秦腔）上的皇帝多厉害，当皇帝玩的就是一个人说了算。等咱当了皇帝，先发一道圣旨，官路上的马粪、村道上的驴粪、坡上的牛粪、崖畔上的羊屎蛋统统归我们一家人拾，抗旨不遵的斩。

（摘自《明镜高悬》三秦出版社）