The Curious Case of Bedroom Bottoms

By Chua Lam

I have a friend who is a justice of the peace in the mainland,and when I ate out with him I asked what cases he’d heard recently.

“Same old same old—pilfering,purloining, peculation,” he said.

“Can you think of any interesting ones?” I asked him.

“Oh yeah,” he said after some thought, “There was this crazy case of voyeurism.”

“Really? Peeping at hot girls in the shower?”

“No. Peeping at ugly men in the john. They caught him red handed in a public bathroom.”

“So, is the gay lifestyle becoming common in the mainland?” I inquired curiously.

“That’s what I thought at first.” My pal said, “I looked at him sitting there sulking with no defense attorney and kind of felt sorry for him, I asked him if he wanted me to appoint one for him,but he declined. He wanted to defend himself in court. I told him it was best not to fly by the seat of his pants, but he insisted. He said no lawyer knew more about his case than he did.”

“Know what?” I was growing more curious with each passing moment.

The old judge debriefed me on the situation, “Underpants!”He exclaimed, “Said he was the self-proclaimed ‘Sultan of Skivvies,’ with his own factory and everything.”

“Which factory? If it’s a famous brand, I might have heard of it here in Hong Kong.”

“He has a factory, but he said he didn’t have his own brand but that he was just the underwear supplier to every brand in the world. But if he had to do retailing too, he would have no time to do any research.”

“What research?”

“Research on the planet’s perfect underpants! Said he wouldn’t give up even a single opportunity to check out the dudes’ jockey shorts.” The judge explained.

“But it’s just underwear. I mean there are just so many kinds that a person could wear.”

“That’s what I said. But then the defendant got his shorts in a knot. He looked at me with this look of contempt and told me I didn’t know what the flippity jibbits I was talking about, which really cheesed me off. I told the guy he’d better explain the profundities of the underwear and fast, or the only undershorts he was going to be wearing would be the ones with black and white stripes.”

“So, what did he say? That silk skivvies are the best?” I asked.

“He said that no material could ever be more comfortable than good cotton.”

“Cotton?” I said incredulously.“Everyone’s unmentionables are cotton fiber. What’s so special about that?”

底裤大王的案子

文/蔡澜

我的朋友是内地的法官，一起吃饭时，我问他：“最近审了什么案子？”

“来来去去都是一些走私的。”他说。

“想不起什么有趣的吗？”我问。

“对了，”他说，“有一起偷窥案。”

“偷看什么，女人？”

“不。是男人偷看男人，在公共厕所里抓到的。”

“同性恋在内地开始普遍起来了？”

“起初我也那么想。”法官说，“看他没有律师，问他要不要派一个给他。他说，没有什么律师比他知道得更清楚，要自己答辩。”

“知道些什么？”

法官说：“底裤呀，他自称是底裤大王。”

“什么厂？出名的话在香港也会听过。”

“工厂是有的，不过他说没有自己的牌子，只是替全世界的名牌代工。如果自己也做销售的话，就没时间做研究工作了。”

“什么研究工作？”

“研究天下最完美的底裤呀，所以他不放过任何机会，看别人穿的是什么。”法官说。

“底裤不就是底裤，穿来穿去都是那几种。”

“我也是这么说的呀，不过当事人轻蔑地看着我，大声骂我什么都不懂。这下子我可生起气来，要他说出，一条底裤到底有什么奥妙，不然，即刻重判。”

“他怎么说？丝质的最好？”我问。

“他说任何材料都比不上棉。”

“棉？我们穿的都是棉织的呀。”我说。

“不是普通棉，要用海岛棉。更好的，是埃及棉。”法官说。

“什么叫海岛棉？”

“他解释说是美国的产品，至少要两英寸以上的长棉才算及格，每条长度要经过美国纺织协会检验，才发证书的。”

“那么埃及棉呢？”

“比海岛棉更长更细，织出来的布比丝还要光滑。”

“棉质的哪能比得上丝。”我说。

“他说，那要看多少支了。”

“什么叫支？”

“每平方寸之中，用多少条棉线织出来，叫作支。一般的布，有二十支。”

“那么埃及棉呢？”

“一平方寸之中，一定有两百支，每一支还是双线纺的。”法官转述。

“哇。”我叫了出来。

“所以说嘛，”法官摇头，“底裤大王大骂我们这些凡人根本不会享受。他还反问我：‘一种颜色的布做五种不同款式的底裤卖得多，还是五种颜色的布做一种款式的底裤卖得多？’”

“你怎么说？”我问。

“我当然选五种不同颜色。他说，这大错特错。人穿惯了白色，就不会去碰其他颜色了，还是一种颜色五种款式的好卖。”法官说。

“他有没有说男人大多数喜欢什么颜色的？”

“这就是他为什么要在厕所观察了。他说，依照他的统计，黑色最好卖。但是近年来，穿红色的人逐渐增加，都是因为迷信，说穿红色的会发财。广东人说‘大红大裤’，听起来是‘大红大富’。”

我笑了出来：“女人呢？他对女人的底裤有没有什么研究？”

“Not regular cotton, he said you need to use Sea Island cotton.Better yet, Egyptian cotton.” The judge said.

“What is Sea Island cotton?”

“He explained that it’s an American product, and he said that only the kind that’s at least two inches long can pass QC, and that every length of material has to be certified by the American Association of Textile Chemists and Colorists.”

“What’s Egyptian cotton?”

“It’s even finer than Sea Island cotton, and the material made from it is smoother than silk.”

“How could anything made of cotton be better than silk?” I questioned skeptically.

“He said it depends on the count.”

“What do you mean ‘count’?” I asked confused.

“The amount of cotton fiber used in every square inch of cloth is called ‘count.’ Normally cloth has a twenty count.”

“So, what about Egyptian cotton?”

The old judge sat there in front of his steak and coffee relating what the “Sultan of Skivvies” had told him, “Every square inch is a two hundred count. Every count is a double weave.”

“Wow!” I exclaimed.

“Oh yeah,” the judge said with a shake of the head, “But, I didn’t appreciate mister ‘Sultan of Skivvies’ letting me have it like that. And in front of the whole courtroom. Then he had the nerve to ask me if one color of cloth made into five different styles sold better or if five different colors made into one style sold better.”

“What did you say?”

“Of course, I chose the five different colors. The guy said that my answer was ‘really, totally,completely, absolutely and all otherwise, just plain wrong.’ He said that when people get used to wearing white they will never consider another color, and that one color made into five different styles was the better seller.” The judge related.

“Did he tell you what color most men wear?”

“That’s the reason why he was in the bathroom ogling the undershorts. He said, according to his statistics, black was the best-selling color. But lately red had become increasingly popular,and it was all because of a local superstition. He said that in Cantonese the phrase ‘daai hung,daai fu,’ meaning literally ‘big red big pants,’ sounds like another phrase ‘daai hung, daai fu,’—‘big red big money.’ Therefore, now they all want to wear the red ones,so that they can get rich by the color of their undies.”

I couldn’t help busting a gut.“So, what about the girls? Does he also have research on women’s panties?”

“I’m a judge. I have to maintain a stoic demeanor. How could I ask him such a question with a straight face? But a clerk sitting in the courtroom, who just happened to be a woman, couldn’t contain herself, so she asked him if a woman’s bra and panties should be the same style and color?”

“What did he say?”

“He said it depended on the market.”

“What’s that got to do with markets?” I asked.

“It has everything to do with markets. He said in America,the big manufacturers like Triumph sell so many bras that, who has time to worry about the panties?”

“Different women, different demands…” I said.

“That’s what the clerk girl said.” The judge replied.

“What did the ‘Sultan of Skivvies’ have to say about that?” I asked.

The judge replied, “He said that was another level entirely.If a girl has the money to spend at Victoria Secrets, then of course the bra and panties have to be a set, because it looks good when a girl takes it all off for her husband.”

“Yeah, he’s got a point there,” I concurred.

“But, then the ‘Sultan of Skivvies’ looked right at the clerk girl and said, ‘You’d never have a chance like that in your life.’ She was so peeved by the remark that she just about ran to the witness stand to choke the guy to death!”

I was just about to split my sides, “So what was your final judgment?”

He laughed and said, “He knew so much industry insider jargon that I just pronounced the guy innocent and let him go free. And besides…” he added“I haven’t had a good laugh like that in a long time!”

(FromAn old Monk from a Lonely Temple, SDX Joint Publishing, Translation: Chase Coulson)

“我们做法官的，一定要保持一副严肃的面孔，这种问题怎么说得出口？但是庭上那个女书记员倒是忍不住了，问他，女人的胸罩和底裤到底应不应该是一套的？”

“他怎么说？”

“他说，这可要看是什么市场了。”

“和市场有关？”我问。

“当然啦，他说像美国黛安芬那种大厂，只顾卖胸罩，哪有时间照顾到底裤呢？”

“有些女人的要求不同呀。”我说。

“那个女书记员也这么说。”法官说。

“底裤大王怎么回答？”我问。

法官说：“他说，当然啦，那又是另一个层次了。如果花钱到‘维多利亚的秘密’那种店铺，就会买胸罩和底裤是一套的，这样，在男朋友面前脱衣服，才好看。”

“说得对呀。”我同意。

“不过，底裤大王望着那个女书记员说：‘你是没有机会了。’害得她差点跑到被告席打他。”

我笑了：“结果你是怎么判的？”

法官也笑了：“他说出那么多专业知识，又提供了那么多娱乐，我当然判他无罪释放啦。”

（摘自《孤寺老僧》生活·读书·新知三联书店）