短文写作

黄娟

习作一

It is known that the sea is of great significance to our life. Because the sea provides us a lot of resources， so protecting the sea is very important for us.

However， many animals in the sea are being hunted or killed， which destroys the balance of the ecology. What is more， more and more polluted water flows into the sea， causing the death of many tiny creatures. Besides， many people pick precious plants for the benefit of themselves. It is humans action that makes the creatures in the sea endangered.

As far as I am concerned， I think it is time for us to raise the awareness of protecting the sea. What matters most is our awareness.

这是一篇中档习作。其优点是：

1. 本文表达流畅，层次分明。在首段作者能熟练使用主语从句引出话题；在行文中，用so， however， what is more， besides， as far as I am concerned等连接句子和段落，使文章过渡自然。文章的结尾也很简练。好的开头和结尾往往是成功的一半，能给读者留下深刻印象，也是高考阅卷评分的一个重要依据。

2. 作者运用了一些高级词汇和短语，如：be of significance， for the benefit of， flow into， endanger， raise， awareness， matter， 使文章语言比较丰富。

3. 作者尝试运用了一些不同的、较复杂的句子结构。如：

It is known that... （it充当形式主语）

...， Which destroys... （非限定性定语从句）

...， causing the death of... （非谓语动词充当结果状语）

It is humans action that... （强调句型）

Protecting the ocean is... （非谓语动词作主语）

What matters most is... （主语从句）

不足之处是：

①该生有些地方用词不够准确，语法方面也出现了一些错误。如：

because the sea provides us a lot of resources， so protecting the sea is very important for us. 此句中because和so重复使用，应该去掉其中一个；然后provide的这个词运用不准确，要在us后加上with才正确。

As far as I am concerned和I think重复使用，去掉I think， 因为as far as I am concerned就是用来表达观点的。

It is humans action that makes the creatures in the sea endangered.中的action应改为activities，这样表意更加准确，然后谓语动词makes应改为make。

②作者的语言还需要提炼，如结尾段这句it is time for us to raise the awareness of protecting the sea. What matters most is our awareness.中awareness 与前面句子有点重复，可以把它合并为一句话it is time for us to raise the awareness of protecting the sea and appeal to more people to care for the sea.这样语句更精炼。

习作二

It is acknowledged that the sea plays a very important role in our life. There are such wide varieties of natural resources and living creatures in the sea that it provides human beings with abundant natural resources， so it is vital for us to take care of the sea. But things are just the opposite.

As is known to all， the sea is being badly polluted， since more and more wasted water and poisonous chemicals are being poured into the sea without being dealt with， which does great damage to the sea. Besides， too many sea valuable plants like corals are being picked and harvested by humans. In the meantime， some living creatures like whales are being hunted or killed with abandon. As a consequence of human destructive activities， the ecological balance of the ocean has been seriously damaged.

Therefore， its high time that we protected the ocean. Only if we take action can we protect the ocean. It is everybodys effort that counts.

这是一篇高档习作。

1. 本文涵盖了题目要求的所有要点条理清晰。

2. 文中使用了很多高级词汇且运用准确。如：acknowledge，play a role in，vital，varieties of，do damage to，destructive， deal with， abundant， take care of， count， pour into， with abandon， take action等。作者具有很好的语言基础知识和语言运用能力。

3. 作者尝试使用了许多的经典句型及结构。如：

It is acknowledged that... （it作形式主语）

such...that... （结果状语从句）

As is known to all （非限定性定语从句）

It is the...that counts （强调句型）

It is high time that we protected... （虚拟语气）

Only if we...can we... （倒装句型）

文中长短句结合，各种句型交替使用，读起来通顺流畅，显示了作者扎实的语言功底；文章结尾能用一句 it is high time that we protected the ocean来呼吁人们采取行动来保护海洋，进一步点题。

4. 连接词使用恰如其分，使文章连贯且逻辑性强。如：but things are just the opposite， besides， in the meantime， as a consequence of， therefore。endprint