一个足球迷的虐恋

陈继龙

四年一度的世界杯无疑是球迷们的盛宴，也会吸引一批凑热闹不怕被嫌弃的“伪球迷”。而对另外一些人来说，足球这项运动实在是令人难以理解：偌大的球场，一个小小的球被踢过来又踢过去，整场比赛下来，比分或许还是0比0。外行人看不出门道也就罢了，想看个热闹都看不成。但足球真的是一项无聊的运动吗？当然不是，不然也不会有那么多人为之疯狂。读罢此文，也许你能稍稍理解一些，真正的球迷对足球的爱是多么深沉。

Soccer is boring. One of the misconceptions non-soccer fans have about soccer fans is that we dont know this. The classic Simpsons1） parody2） of a soccer match—“Fast kickin！ Low scorin！ And ties？ You bet！”—hangs on the joke that the game puts Americans to sleep while somehow， bafflingly， driving foreigners wild with excitement. Calling the game for Springfield TV， Kent Brockman practically grinds his teeth3） with frustration： “Halfback passes to the center … back to the wing … back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. [Huge sigh.] Holds it.” One booth over， the Spanish commentator is going nuts： “Halfback passes to the center！ Back to the wing！ Back to the center！ Center holds it！ Holds it！！ HOLDS IT！！！”

Its a great comedy bit， but its not really accurate as a depiction of soccer culture. Soccer fans know soccer is boring. Soccer fans have seen more soccer than anyone. Were aware that it can be a chore. Fire up Twitter during the average Stoke City-Wigan match and youll find us making jokes about gouging out4） our own eyes with wire hangers， about the players forgetting where the goals are， about what would happen if we released a pride5） of lions onto the pitch. （Answer： The game would still finish 0-0.）

So why do soccer fans do this？ Assuming we follow sports for something like entertainment， what do we get out of a game for which the potential for tedium is so high that some of its most famous inspirational quotes are simply about not being dull？

I keep thinking about this question lately， maybe because Ive been finding myself drawn to more and more boring games. This past weekend， I sat through6） the slow cudgeling7） death of Liverpool-Stoke. The final score was 0-0， but the final emotional score was -5. During Swanseas deliriously8） fun 3-2 upset9） of Arsenal on Sunday， I kept switching over to Athletic Bilbaos mundane 3-0 win over Levante. Why am I doing this？ I thought， as Fernando Amorebieta whuffed in a gloomy header and Levante pinned themselves into their own half. But I kept checking back.

There are two reasons， basically， why soccer lends itself to spectatorial boredom. One is that the game is mercilessly hard to play at a high level. （You know， what with10） the whole “maneuver a small ball via precisely coordinated spontaneous group movement with 10 other people on a huge field while 11 guys try to knock it away from you， and oh， by the way， you cant use your arms and hands” element.） The other is that the gameplay almost never stops—its a near-continuous flow for 45-plus minutes at a stretch， with only very occasional resets. Combine those two factors and you have a game thats uniquely adapted for long periods of play where， say， the first teams winger goes airborne11） to bring down a goal kick， but he jumps a little too soon， so the ball kind of kachunks off one side of his face， then the second teams fullback12） gets control of it， and he sees his attacking midfielder lurking unmarked in the center of the pitch， so he kludges the ball 20 yards upfield， but by the time it gets there the first teams holding midfielder has already closed him down and gone in for a rough tackle， and while the first teams attacking midfielder is rolling around on the ground the second teams right back runs onto the loose ball， only hes being harassed by two defenders， so he tries to knock it ahead and slip through them， but one of them gets a foot to it， so the ball springs up in the air … etc.， etc.， etc. Both teams have carefully worked-out tactical plans that influence everything theyre trying to do. But the gameplay is so relentless that it cant help but go through these periodic bouts13） of semi-decomposition.

But—and heres the obvious answer to the “Why are we doing this？” question—those same two qualities， difficulty and fluidity， also mean that soccer is uniquely adapted to produce moments of awesome visual beauty. Variables converge. Players discover solutions to problems it would be impossible to summarize without math. The ball springs up in the air … and comes down in just such a way that Dennis Bergkamp14） can pull off a reverse-pirouette15） flick that spins the ball around the defender and back into his own path … or Thierry Henry16） can three-touch a 40-yard pass in the air before lining it up and scoring a weak-foot roundhouse17） … or Zlatan Ibrahimovic18） can stutter-fake his way through an entire defense. In sports， pure chaos is boring. Soccer gives players more chaos to contend with19） than any other major sport. So theres something uniquely thrilling about the moments when they manage to impose their own order on it.

But I think theres more to the relationship of fans and boredom than just magic moments. I want you to like soccer if you dont already， so I probably shouldnt admit this. But the game gets in your head. Following soccer is like being in love with someone whos （a） gorgeous， （b） fascinating， （c） possibly quite evil， and （d） only occasionally aware of your existence. Theres a continuous low-grade suffering that becomes a sort of addiction in its own right. You spend all your time hoping theyll notice you， and they never do， and that unfulfilled hope feels like your only connection to them. And then one day they look your way， and its just， pow20）. And probably they just want help moving， and maybe they call you Josie instead of Julie， but still. It keeps you going. And as irrational as it sounds， you wouldnt trade this state of being for a life of quiet contentment with someone else. All you could gain would be peace of mind， and youd lose that moment when the object of your fixation looked at you and you couldnt feel your face.

Soccer is， in other words， both romantic and tragic， and the soft agony of a bad game is an inescapable part of this. You spend all your time hoping something will happen， and it never does. You get a surge of adrenaline21） every time the ball flies anywhere near the goal， and youre always disappointed. But then， every once in a while， James McFadden22） will score from 30 yards at the Parc des Princesto， giving Scotland an impossible 1-0 lead over France， and a ponderous23） game will go all kinds of nervous-breakdown crazy. And for fans its practically an out-of-body experience—not just because it was a great play， but because it was so unlikely that this match could have been graced with a great play to begin with.

So its not that a boring game is purer than an entertaining game or that theres something moral about enduring tedium （although I know fans who might make that argument）. I watch soccer to be amazed. One of my favorite books about fandom is Soccer in Sun and Shadow， by the Uruguayan writer Eduardo Galeano， whose guiding principle is “a pretty move， for the love of God.”24） But the beauty of the game matters more when you know you cant take it for granted—when it arrives， as Galeano writes， its a “miracle.” There was a moment last Sunday when I was flipping between the extremely exciting Swansea-Arsenal match and the generally-not-in-any-way-exciting Athletic-Levante match. Just as I switched over， Athletics Oscar De Marcos25）， who had previously failed to score on an easy rebound， dribbled straight through two defenders into the area， drawing the goalkeeper out to the right side of the six-yard box. Then he lofted a high cross that dropped a foot from the goal line， just inside the left post， just as the lurking Fernando Llorente26）， whod sneaked behind the defense， appeared in precisely that spot to head it into the empty net. In its weird， furtive27） way， the goal was better than the undeniable drama going on in Swansea. It was like a wink from the eye of the abyss. One of those lovely， foolish moments when you think that soccer might love you too.

足球挺无聊的。非球迷对足球迷的误解之一就是他们以为我们不知道足球无聊。《辛普森一家》中有一段对足球赛的经典恶搞——“踢球挺快！得分不高！踢平啦？当然！”这段恶搞来自一句玩笑话：足球比赛会让美国人睡着，却莫名其妙地能让外国人兴奋得发狂。剧中肯特·布罗克曼在为春田电视台播报比赛时几乎是痛苦地咬着牙播报的：“后场球员传给中场……中场传给边路……边路又回传中场。中场球员在控球，控球，[长叹一声]还在控球。”而另一间转播室的西班牙语解说员却跟疯了一样：“后场传给中场！中场传给边路！边路回传中场！中场球员把球拿住！拿住！！拿住！！！”

这是一个很好的喜剧桥段，但它对足球文化的描述其实并不完全准确。足球迷知道足球很无聊，他们看过的足球赛比谁都多。看足球赛可能会让人很烦，这一点我们心知肚明。在斯托克城队和维冈队那场乏善可陈的比赛期间，你打开推特，就会发现我们在开着各种各样的玩笑，比如真想用铁丝衣架剜掉自己的眼睛，还有球员搞不清球门在哪里，以及要是放一群狮子到球场上会怎样（答案：比赛结果依然会是0比0）。

那足球迷为什么喜欢看足球呢？这项运动无聊透顶，以至于与足球相关的一些最激励人心的话仅仅说的是它不无聊。假如我们是为了娱乐这样的目的才去关注体育，那么我们能从足球中得到些什么呢？

最近我一直在思考这个问题，也许是因为我发现自己被越来越多的无聊比赛所吸引。上个周末（编注：英文原文发表于2012年1月），我耐着性子看完了利物浦队对斯托克城队的比赛，这场比赛让我有一种慢慢被棍棒打死的感觉。最终的比分是0比0，但我最终的情绪得分是负5分。周日，斯旺西队以3比2意外击败阿森纳队的比赛可谓异常精彩，可我在看比赛时却不停地换台去看毕尔巴鄂竞技队以3比0战胜莱万特队的那场平淡无奇的比赛。我为什么要这样做？我想道。此时费尔南多·阿莫雷别塔打进了一个毫无威胁的头球，而莱万特队始终龟缩在本方半场。但我还是一直换台回去看。

足球之所以容易让观众觉得无聊，主要有两个原因。其中一个原因是要想踢出高水平的比赛非常难，难得近乎无情。（你知道，因为足球赛有这样的特点：在一块巨大的场地上，你要和其他10名球员一起，通过精确、自发的团队配合来控制一个小小的球，而与此同时，另外11个人都想把球抢走，还有，顺带提一下，你不能用胳膊和手。）另一个原因是比赛几乎从不中断——几乎要一口气连续踢至少45分钟，很少有调整的机会。综合这两方面的原因，足球赛就极为适合以拉锯战的方式进行了。比如，第一支球队的边锋凌空跃起，想争顶一个球门球，可他跳得稍稍早了一点，于是球“砰”的一声从他脸侧划过，然后另一支球队的后卫控制了球，他看到本方进攻型前卫埋伏在中场无人防守，于是一脚将球踢到20码开外的前场，但在球落地时第一支球队的拦截型中场球员已经将其拦下，粗野地把球抢断下来。就在前一支球队的进攻型前卫在地上翻滚之时，另一支球队的右后卫开始盘带无人控制的球，但此时有两名队员防守，于是他试图向前运球，从他们中间穿过去，但其中一名球员伸脚碰到球，于是球就弹到空中……如此这般。两支球队都认真制定了战术计划，球员在场上所做的一切都会受到战术的影响。但是比赛是无情的，难免会时不时地出现这样计划外的状况。

但是——现在“我们为什么喜欢看足球”这个问题的答案也很明显了——足球难度高、变数大这两个特征也意味着足球极为适合产生充满令人惊叹的视觉美的瞬间。各种变数会同时出现。球员会想出办法来处理各种状况，而这些状况，除非用数学方法，否则你是没法总结的。球弹到空中……然后落下来时恰好可以让丹尼斯·博格坎普触球时快速转身，使球绕过防守队员，再回到自己脚下；或者蒂埃里·亨利可以在接40码的空中长传球时三次触球，然后调整到最佳位置，逆足射出一记弧线球得分；再或者兹拉坦·伊布拉希莫维奇可以用一连串的假动作骗过所有防守队员。在体育运动中，单纯的混乱是无聊的，而在足球比赛中，球员需要面对的混乱状况比其他任何一项大型运动都要多。因此，当球员们能做到照着自己的节奏来踢球时，足球就显示出了它最激动人心的一面。

不过，我认为让球迷可以忍受无聊的因素并不仅仅在于比赛的精彩时刻。如果你还不是球迷，我希望你能喜欢足球，所以或许我不该承认这点，但足球是一种让你魂牵梦绕的运动。痴迷足球就像爱上了这样一个人，这个人一来长得好看，二来魅力四射，三来可能会很邪恶，四来经常无视你的存在。这是一个不断遭受轻度折磨的过程，而这种折磨本身又会让你对它产生依赖感。你无时无刻不在期望他们能注意到你，可他们从来没有，这一未能实现的愿望似乎成了你和他们之间唯一的联系。然后有一天，他们朝你这边看了一眼，于是——砰！也许他们只是想找人帮忙搬家，也许他们把你的名字朱莉叫成了乔西，但你还是觉得很带劲。这让你能继续坚持下去。尽管这听起来有些荒谬，但你不愿放弃这种状态来换取跟另一个人度过安静而满足的一生。那样的话，你得到的将只是内心的安宁，而你失去的是你痴迷的对象对你的惊鸿一瞥，那个让你触电般的瞬间。

换句话说，足球既蕴含浪漫情调也带有悲剧色彩，因比赛糟糕而内心隐隐作痛的感觉是其不可避免的一部分。你用所有的时间来期待某些事情发生，可却总是事与愿违。每当球飞到球门附近，你都会血脉偾张，但结果却总让你失望。然而也有些时候，詹姆斯·麦克法登会在王子公园球场从30码开外一记射门，令苏格兰队不可思议地以1比0领先法国队，一场原本沉闷的比赛立刻让人无比紧张和疯狂起来。对于球迷来说，这简直就是一次灵魂出窍的体验——并不仅仅因为那脚精彩的射门，还因为这场比赛竟然会有如此精彩的一幕，这原本就令人难以置信。

所以，并不是说无聊的比赛比精彩的比赛更为纯粹，或者说忍受比赛的无聊有什么道义上的优越性（尽管我知道有些球迷可能持有这种观点）。我看足球就是为了惊喜。我最喜欢的一本关于球迷的书是乌拉圭作家埃德瓦尔多·加莱亚诺的《太阳与阴影中的足球》。他看球的方针是“看在上帝的分上，踢得漂亮些吧”。不过，只有你懂得比赛的精彩并非理所当然，它才显得更为重要——正如加莱亚诺所写的那样，当精彩的比赛出现时，那是一个“奇迹”。上周日，我在精彩万分的斯旺西队对阿森纳队比赛和无论怎样也谈不上精彩的毕尔巴鄂竞技队对莱万特队比赛之间来回调换频道，当时就有一个瞬间。正当我换台过去时，竞技队之前曾错失一次接反弹球轻松得分机会的奥斯卡·德马科斯带球径直穿过两名防守队员进入禁区，迫使守门员弃门而出，来到六码区的右侧。然后，他将球挑高横传，球正好落在球门左侧立柱附近距离球门线一英尺的位置，这时埋伏在此的费尔南多·略伦特已经偷偷绕到防守队员身后，适时精确地出现在那个位置，将球顶入了空门。这粒神不知鬼不觉的怪异进球比斯旺西队那场比赛更加好看，尽管不可否认那场比赛也有其戏剧性。那仿佛是漆黑的深渊朝你眨了眨眼睛，在那个美妙的瞬间，你会傻乎乎地想，或许足球也是爱你的。