没什么大不了

2012-04-29

英语学习 2012年6期

I dont count. That is, I dont count stuff. I used to count stuff a lot: the number of French fries I stole off my husbands plate at any given dinner and the amount of time Id need to spend on the treadmill to make up for it the next day; the square footage of a friends apartment (its likely purchase price, my hosts presumed salary, and thus the difference between hers and mine); and, especially when my kids were babies, the minutes/hours between the time my husband said he would come home and rescue me and the actual moment when he sauntered through the door.1 I counted in order to keep track of my deficiencies and accomplishments and then calculate the magic number that would help me reach a particular goal. I counted as a way of life. But for the most part Ive stopped all that. And while Im not a big believer in much of anything, I would say that not counting has saved my life.

As a preternaturally anxious person, perhaps I was born to tally.2 I was also a committed dancer throughout my teens, and like a lot of people studying ballet, I counted the number of classes I took after school and on weekends. I berated3 myself if I fell below six per week. I also counted fouetté turns and measured the height of my grands battements.4

But unlike many dance students, I allowed that rigid form of self-discipline to metastasize5 to other areas of my life. I sadly counted calories—so automatically that, after a time, anytime food went in, a number instantly flashed in my mind. Once I went off to college, I counted the days until vacation, when I could see my boyfriend from high school again, thinking “25?, 25?, 25?” as I walked across the quad, sometimes even drawing half a line through the calendar back in my dorm room once it was one oclock in the afternoon—pretty much the opposite of the then popular mantra “Be here now.”6

Occasionally this counting worked to my advantage. I calculated my GPA and counted my semesters on the deans list, using the numbers to spur me on to greater things.7 But I sweated far too much if a grade fell below a certain standard, and thus keeping track devolved8 into self-punishment. When my husband and I first set out to start a family, and had more than a few bumps in the beginning, I became a mathematician of self-torture.9 Months gone by, years gone by. My friends with children, their childrens ages. My own age creeping upward.

Some time after my daughter was finally born, I realized I had to try to stop counting. Counting had become close to impossible at a time when I could barely manage simple tasks, like showering and sleeping and getting a newborn—or myself—dressed and out of the house. Moreover, life was getting gummed up by my perpetual equations: Was a gym membership worth it, I wondered, if I could get there only one day a week instead of my usual five?10 If I didnt write for four hours a day, was I abandoning my career as a novelist? (Even if I was now spending those four blessed hours with my beautiful child.) My attempts to quantify11 everything werent serving me or my work or my baby.

One morning the tabulation12 ceased, pretty much by accident. I had a babysitter coming, and I was going to get in my third day at the gym (as I said, I thought I needed five to stay in shape) and then write (because if I didnt write at least four mornings a week, it might take longer to finish my book).

But that day the cherry blossoms were out. My family lives near Central Park, in Manhattan, and even on the side streets petals13 were snowing in the fragrant breeze. Chocolate croissants beckoned from a bakery window.14My daughter was irresistible. So I canceled the sitter and I took her out. We sat under the trees. We snoozed a little, and when we roused ourselves, I realized Id forgotten about the time.15

Not counting wasnt easy. It took work, much work. The only way I can describe the art of not counting is that whenever the numbers pop up in my mind, I try to sweep them away, and when they turn out to be particularly reluctant to go away, I picture the anxiety they cause pouring out of my fingertips.16 I now go to the gym when I can—some weeks more often than others—but I dont count the classes I take or dont take. I stopped counting the months and years between books, and when people ask me how long my last one took to write, I honestly dont know. I dont know what I weigh. I dont remember who paid the bill the last time we went out with friends or how much it was. I dont keep track of the Oscar-nominated films I need to see or the Pulitzer Prize–winning books I should read.17 And I dont tally the nights of takeout versus homemade anymore—although I admit it does make me cringe when I call my kids into dinner and my son says, “But I didnt hear the doorbell.”18

I also dont keep score of my achievements, or lack thereof, and if this makes me less competitive (I forget to apply for grants, for example), it also radically reduces my stress.

I no longer judge myself so frequently or harshly. I spend more of my time doing things than reflecting on what I have tackled already or, worse, angsting over what I have not yet done.19 Ive relinquished a little control for a little more serenity,20 which has provided me with a daily emotional payoff.

I have to confess that on occasion I still do count things.

For instance, I am well aware that I am turning 50. Everyone who knows me or meets me in passing knows this, too. George, the liquor-store21 man. The lady on line at the supermarket. Anyone who sits next to me at the theater.

I have no spiritual life, really, but not counting brings me as close to inner peace as an anxious urban modern mother living in the year 2011 can be. Which in my case is achieved through a simple mathematical equation: not counting = relief.

1. treadmill:（健身用）踏车，跑步机；footage:（尤指店铺等以平方英尺表示的）面积；saunter: 漫步，闲逛。

2. preternaturally: 不可思议地，异常地；tally: 记录，计算。

3. berate: 痛斥，严责。

4. fouetté: 弗韦泰，指芭蕾舞中一腿抬起在空中急速划圈的单腿转；grands battements: 也作grand battement, 指芭蕾舞中的大踢腿动作。

5. metastasize: 蔓延。

6. quad: （尤指中小学或大学中周围有建筑物的）四方院子，四方广场；mantra: 常重复的话，口号。

7. GPA: 全称是grade point average，即平均分，美国的GPA满分是4分；semester:学期；dean: （大学的）学院院长，系主任；spur: 刺激。

8. devolve: 下放给……，移交给……。

9. bump: 碰撞；self-torture: 自我折磨。

10. gum up: 〈口〉使出故障，搞糟，搞乱；perpetual: 连续不断的；equation:平衡状态；gym: 体育馆。

11. quantify: 测量，用数量表示。

12. tabulation: 制表，列表。