英语写作之书信与续写

赵伐

尊敬的趙老师：

您好！

我是杭州某中学314班的学生，这是我写的两篇英语作文，请您指导，谢谢！

李   琛

一、应用文写作之书信

【写作任务】

假定你是李华，你校下周将举办英语歌唱大赛，现急需一名英语主持人。请你给交换生Jack写封信，鼓励他来担任大赛的英语主持人。内容如下：（1）写信目的;（2）大赛时间、地点;（3）他的优势。

注意：（1）词数80左右;（2）可以适当增加细节，以使行文连贯。

【原文】

Dear Jack，

Im writing to tell you that a hoster⑴is needed for next weeks English Singing Award⑵， and I believe youll be the most qualified people⑶to do the job.

The award（2）， which held⑷on Monday⑸at music hall⑹， requires hosters having⑺ a good command in English and a sense of humour. As you hosted⑻an award⑵before， you must earn⑼plenty of relevant experiences. I believe that all audience⑽will be absorbed in⑾your elegant manner and witty words. So dont feel hesitate⑿ to apply for it.

Yours

Li Hua

【赵教授批注】

⑴ hoster是拼错的词， 正确写法是host。改为an English host（英语主持人），这样更符合题目中的要求。

⑵ award的意思是“授奖，奖励”，应改为competition（比赛），用contest也可以。

⑶ people指多人，改为person。

⑷ 改为is to be held，指尚未发生的事，且需用被动式。

⑸ 用next Monday更准确，on可以省略。

⑹ music hall前应加上定冠词the。

⑺ 改为requires hosts to have。hosters错写，正确的为hosts。require的正确搭配是require sb. to do sth.。

⑻ 与before连用，应改为have hosted。

⑼ 改为must have earned，表示对已经发生的事的肯定推测。

⑽ 改为all the audience。

⑾ be absorbed in的意思是“全神贯注地做某事”，而这里的意思是“被吸引”，改为be fascinated by。

⑿ hesitate是动词，直接用在dont之后，feel是多余的。

赵教授点评：

这封信涵盖了三个要点：写信的目的、大赛的时间和地点、Jack的优势。但语言表达上的问题较多。

1.用词错误或不准确，如hoster、award、people、absorb in。建议在记英语单词时，记英语的释义，而非汉语的意思。

2.词块掌握得不够好，如动词词块require sb. to do sth.， is to be held， dont hesitate to do sth.;名词词块the music hall， all the audience。建议平时多注意名词词块的构成和动词词块的搭配。

3.时态、语态、语气的掌握有待加强，如is to be held， as you have hosted...before， you must have earned。建议加强对不定式的被动形式、完成时态、情态动词+have done的理解和掌握。

二、读后续写

【写作任务】

阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。

One snowy day， the winds grew stronger and the snow turned into a blinding snowstorm. A farmer was making sure his geese which he kept near the fishpond were warm enough to survive the cold. Satisfied， he went inside his house and sat down to relax before the fire for the evening. Before long he heard a loud knock， something hitting against the window. He looked outside but could not see anything. So he went outside for a better view. In the field near his house he saw， of all the strangest things， a group of swans.

They were apparently flying to look for a warmer area down south， but they had been caught in the snowstorm. The storm had become too blinding and violent for the swans to fly or see their way. They were trapped on his farm， with no food or shelter， unable to do more than wave their wings and fly in aimless circles. He had sympathy for them and wanted to help them.

He thought to himself， the barn would be a great place for them to stay. It was warm and safe; surely they could spend the night and wait out the storm. So he opened the barn doors for them. He waited， watching them， hoping they would notice the open barn and go inside.

However， they did not notice the barn or realize what it could mean for them. He moved closer toward them to get their attention， but they just moved away from him out of fear. Starting to get frustrated， he went over and tried to drive them toward the barn. They panicked and scattered into every direction except toward the barn. Nothing he did could get them to go into the barn where there was warmth， safety， and shelter.

注意：（1）所续写短文的词数应为150左右;（2）应使用5个以上短文中标有下画线的关键词语;（3）续写部分分为两段，每段的开头语已为你写好;（4）续写完成后，请用下画线标出你所使用的关键词语。

【原文】

Paragraph 1：

Feeling totally frustrated， he asked himself， “Why dont they follow me？” After another failed try， he suddenly found out the reason. It must be the fearness drove swans scattered from him⑴. “What should I do？” the farmer murmured with his eyebrows frowned⑵. No swan fly⑶aimlessly now. They standed⑷side by side to defind the fieceful snowstorm⑸. The only way he could save these poor birds was led them to barn⑹， but how could he acted⑺like a real swan to persuade them trust him⑻. He looked around， tried to find something helpful and his eyes fell on the fishpond.

Paragraph 2：

Suddenly， a good idea occurred in his mind. Stepping towards the fishpond swiftly， he saw the geese slept⑼near the shelter warm and safely⑽. The farmer loosed⑾the geese， led it⑿into the barn and tied it near the gate. The sound of geese pierced the snowy sky and few⒀minutes later， several swans stepped into the barn and soon realized it would be a better place to wait⒁. Within five minutes， all swans⒂stayed into⒃this shelter， which opened⒄ by a warmhearted angel in this terrible day.

【趙教授批注】

⑴ 这句话有语法错误，强调句的句式应是：It must be sth. that does sth. 另外，fear本来就是名词，不必加名词后缀-ness;此外，drove swans scattered from him中的scattered是多余的，改为drove the swans away from him;注意：swans前面要加定冠词，因为前面已出现过swans了。整句改为：It must be the fear that drove the swans away from him.

⑵ frown为不及物动词，-ed形式含被动之意，改为：with his eyebrows frowning。这句话也可改为：the farmer murmured，his eyebrows frowning. 或the farmer murmured，frowning his eyebrows。

⑶ 改用fly的过去式flew。

⑷ 改为stood。

⑸ 改为defend themselves from the fierce snowstorm。

⑹ 改为to lead them to the barn。

⑺ 改为act。

⑻ 改为win their trust。

⑼ slept改為sleep。see的正确搭配是：see sb. do sth.。

⑽ 改为 warm and safe，用逗号隔开。形容词词组放在句后，作为状语表示状态。

⑾ 改为set free。

⑿ 这里的geese是复数，应该是一群鹅，改为them或one of them。

⒀ 改为a few，few的意思是“几乎没有”。

⒁ 这部分可调整为：realized that here was a better place to wait。

⒂ 改为 all the other swans。

⒃ stayed into属中文式的表达，改为went into。

⒄ 改为was opened。

赵教授点评：

从情节上讲，这篇故事续写得很好，农夫用鹅引导天鹅进入谷仓的做法合情合理。文章使用了5个以上短文中标有下画线的关键词语。

从语言上讲，表达也比较通顺，意思清楚，但存在一些拼写、语法和用法的错误，尤其是汉语式的表达，具体如下：

1.有的表达受汉语思维的影响，如：It must be the fearness drove swans scattered from him， defend the fieceful snowstorm， persuade them trust him， loosed the geese， led it into the barn， all swans stayed into等。建议：1）多听地道的英语朗读材料，培养语感;2）平时阅读时多关注动词及其搭配的使用;3）写作时纠正先想好汉语句子再翻译成英语的思维习惯，直接用英语思维，特别是使用动词及其短语来造句。

2.不及物动词、时态、语态的掌握有待加强，如不及物动词frown的使用;fly， stand， act的过去式;open的被动形式的使用等。建议平时阅读时多关注动词的使用，如时态、语态等。

3.形容词及形容词词组的使用存在问题，如形容词的正确拼写fieceful （fierce）， 形容词词组用作表状态的状语warm and safely （warm and safe）。