陌生人之所见

I like to have a good plan. I like everything all worked out. Of course， it isnt always， but I like it better when things are. So when I realized that my wife and I both had meetings on the same night that wouldnt overlap but would come really close and that the near overlap would happen at dinnertime， I decided to hang out with my five-year-old near my wifes meeting and then hand her off before mine， just as my wifes ended. It was one of those moments in scheduling that feels like a really good idea， but you cant hold onto it too tight because the potential for the whole thing falling apart is too great.

My daughter and I chose to spend our almost-hour together going out for burritos， because it was dinnertime. With a reminder that the restaurant was busy and she needed to be sure to “turn your ears on，” we were in the door. She was out of my sight within minutes， helping herself to a cup of water， so I ordered our dinner to go so wed have a bag in case we needed a quick escape.

We sat down at the window. We waited for our number to be called. Then we waited some more for our burritos to cool off enough to eat. We played The Restaurant Game. Its our new favorite. We usually order milk and water and while she closes her eyes， I put the straw in her mouth and she takes a sip to “guess” which one she is drinking. She thinks its hilarious. The burrito place serves blue and yellow tortilla chips. Perfect for The Restaurant Game. Blue and yellow tortilla chips taste the same so its extra hilarious when I get my guess wrong.

We chatted. We played. We ate dinner. And chatted some more. I didnt look at my phone. She listened and didnt argue with me. It was really close to being perfect.

After dinner， the woman next to us turned to me and said， “Im sorry. I dont mean to eavesdrop here. But I just have to say that I really love how you and your daughter are interacting. I enjoyed listening to you talk to each other. Youre doing a great job.”

Or something like that. I cant really remember because I had one of those moments when you sort of cant hear anything being said because you cant believe its actually happening. Did someone sitting near us at a restaurant actually tell us that we were doing a good job？ She wasnt trying to correct me？ Or tell my kid to quiet down？ Or judge my parenting in some way？

How does a parent respond to such encouragement？

Has this ever happened to any parent ever？

The woman in the restaurant was right. We were having a good moment. She caught it. And she made sure I saw it. Because she knows that those hard moments are just so hard.

I know that too.

The woman didnt see me arguing with my daughter for an hour that morning. She didnt hear the shouting. The disrespect. She wasnt there when my kid tried to hit the cat and I lost my temper. She didnt hear me ask her to go to her room and count to 50 to try and calm down. She didnt hear her crying， because she was so frustrated with the morning that she forgot how to count.

Sitting there at a lovely dinner， I hadnt forgotten that morning. I knew how the day had started and the very careful balance this parenting act can be. The volume of our dinner was a lot lower than that of our morning. The volume of lovely is like that， isnt it？ Its quieter. Smaller. Those hard moments are always so loud. So easy to remember. So easy to hold onto.

Sometimes it takes a stranger at a restaurant to turn the volume up on the lovely a bit.

我喜歡做好计划。我喜欢所有事情都按计划进行。当然了，我并不总是如愿，但当事情真能按计划进行时，我会很开心。一次，我和妻子在同一晚都要开会，时间并不重叠但非常接近，而且接近重叠的时间点恰好发生在晚饭时间。当我意识到这一点后，我便决定先和我那五岁的孩子到妻子会议地点附近闲逛，然后在我的会议开始之前——正好在她的会议刚刚结束之后——将孩子交到她的手上。这便是做好计划让你感觉很棒的那种时刻，但你不能完全严格地按行程走，因为让你满盘皆输的可能性实在是太大了。

我和我的女儿选择用将近一个钟头的时间，一起出去吃墨西哥卷，因为那会儿正是晚饭时间。想着妻子提醒我说这家餐馆很火爆，想着她要求我确保“时刻留意（手机）响声”的时候，我们已经到了门口。几分钟的工夫我就看不到我的女儿了，原来她已经拿着一杯水在喝了，所以我点了外带食物，预备好一个袋子，以防我们需要快速离开。

我们坐在窗边等叫号。然后我们再多等一会儿，让墨西哥卷冷却一下好入口。这期间我们玩起了“餐馆游戏”——这是我们的新宠。我们通常会点牛奶和水。她闭上眼睛，我把吸管放到她的嘴里，她吸一小口，然后“猜猜”她喝的是什么。她觉得这游戏很好玩。这家餐馆提供蓝色和黄色的墨西哥炸玉米片，简直就是为“餐馆游戏”量身定做的。蓝色和黄色的玉米片尝起来是一个味儿，所以我要是猜错的话，那就更好玩儿了。

我们聊天、玩闹、吃晚餐，再聊了一会儿天。我没有查看我的手机。她没有和我争论，很听话。几近完美的一餐。

饭后，邻座的一位女士转过来对我说道：“不好意思，我不是有意在这里偷听的。但我不得不说我真的很喜欢你与你女儿的互动。听你俩的对话很享受。你这个爸爸做得真好。”

或者是类似的话，我无法准确记住。因为我处在这样一个时刻，一个你几乎听不到什么话的时刻，因为你不敢相信它真的发生了。在餐馆里，真的有一个邻座说我们做得很好？她没企图纠正点什么？或者叫我的孩子安静点？或者在某些方面评判我的教育方式？

为人父母者要对这样的鼓励做出怎样的反应？别的家长有过类似的经历吗？

餐馆里的那位女士说得没错。我们确实很享受那段愉快的时光。她捕捉到了，也确保我能看到。因为她知道那些糟糕时刻有多糟。

我也知道。

那个女士没有看到那天早晨我和我女儿争吵了一个钟。她没听到那些吼叫，那种粗暴的行为。当我的小孩企图殴打小猫，而我大发脾气时，她不在场。她没听到我叫女儿去她的房间数到五十以平复情绪，她没听到我女儿的哭叫，那孩子是如此受挫以至于那天早上几乎都不会数数了。

坐在那儿吃那顿愉快的晚餐时，我也没有忘记那个早上。我知道那天是怎么开始的，也知道怎样精心的教子行为才能达到这样的平衡。我们晚餐时的说话音量比早晨时的小了很多。爱的音量应该就是这样的，对吗？更柔和，更小声。那些糟糕的时刻总是那么刺耳，太容易记住，太容易紧抓不放。

有时候，我们需要餐馆里的一个陌生人为我们调高一点爱的音量。