雅思习作评改系列（2）：增加句型多样性有助于考试提分

文/唐老雅

在上期的“雅思习作评改系列（1）”中，老雅指出，写作中一些无心的语言错误可以在很大程度上拉低作文的分数，这个尤其表现在一些低分段的作文中。毫不夸张地说，很多烤鸭的作文，保持作文原有的思想逻辑和句型表达，只要修改其中明显的语言错误，分数就可以直接提升0.5—1分。对那些一写就错的烤鸭，老雅的建议很直接：不要好高骛远去追求什么新颖立意和高分词汇句型，先把基本的句子写好。

然而，基本的句子写作这一关趟过之后，若想进一步提分，烤鸭就要注意增加句型的多样性了。首先需要说明的是，句型多样性并不意味着满篇都写长句或从句。恰恰相反，句型多样性要求长短句有机结合，实现文章的节奏感。总体来说，实现句型多样性的方法有：副词句首、介词短语句首、分词短语句首、插入语、从句、后置分词短语、强调句、倒装句等，这些方法可以打破单调的“主+谓+宾”结构，让句子写作显示出多样性来。此外，老雅还有个建议：在表达段落主题句或结论时，一般使用短句（或常规句型）以突显明确的观点，在论证主题句或举例的时候，一般使用长句（或更丰富的句型变化）以体现论证的深度和层次感。本期拟从句型多样性的角度给各位烤鸭提供一篇作文修改，话题是“网络时代，学生是否不需要去学校了？”

题目：

Schooling is no longer necessary,since more and more information is accessible on the Internet,and students can study just as well at home.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

学生习作：

The boost of information on the Internet enables students to absorb information at home.Some think traditional schooling will disappear in the future.Generally,I believe in the necessity of schooling,although study online do have benefits.

It is true that acquiring knowledge online is an accessible way for students to be well-informed about the world.Simply clicking the mouse,various information will be displayed to students immediately.It is easy for them to know the most advanced technology,the culture of a foreign country,etc.However,education is not only about absorbing useful information,but also educate students to be good members in society.To achieve this end,the school system should continue to be the mainstream way of education.

Schooling is a desirable way to improve students’ soft skills.As the world becoming increasingly competitive,no one will excel if he is knowledgeable but lack of teamwork spirit.This can be made up by attending traditional classes and do collaborative assignments with classmates.By communicating with each other and expressing themselves,students have the opportunity to realise the importance of cooperation,and thus better themselves comprehensively.

Learning at home from Internet can not raise students’ awareness of being a moral person,which may bring about indifference to society.This is less possible to happen in a traditional school,where there are all kinds of extra-curricular activity,volunteer work,for instance,to help build up their sense of responsibility to society and sympathy to others.

In general,although the Internet is convenient to acquire knowledge,I do not think schooling will disappear because of the meaning of education.Learning online can only be a complement rather than a substitute.

评分：6.5

总评：具备比较好的词汇量和用英语表达思想的能力。思维逻辑清楚，连贯性较好。

上节已经介绍，对于含有n个环的配电网，二进制PSO算法中维分量中的“0”的数目需等于n，而运用基本的二进制PSO算法，每次迭代更新时维分量中的“0”个数不固定，需要对其进行一定的改良：将简化后的开关作为待优化的变量，按支路分成m个分维，选出每个分维中概率最小的维分量，再将选出的维分量概率进行比较，将其中概率最小的前n个对应的位置维分量取0，剩下的都取1。

总体建议：（1）修改一些基本的语法错误，让句子更加正确，尤其注意句子的搭配，不要过于随意；（2）句式变化的尝试还可以多一些。

逐句修改：

第1段：The boost of information on the Internet(1)enables students to absorb information at home.Some think traditional schooling will disappear in the future.Generally,I believe inthe necessity of schooling(2),althoughstudy online(3)do have benefits.

【老雅修改】As vast amount of information is now available on the Internet,some people think traditional schooling will disappear in the near future because students can study at home.(4)Generally,I believe in the necessity of schools,although online learning does have benefits.

【老雅点评】（1）The boost of information...这个搭配不太地道；（2）schooling是教育，包括在学校的教育和在家里的教育都可称schooling，但这里想表达的是“学校的必要性”，而不是“教育的必要性”，因此schooling宜改做“schools”；（3）study online do have benefits是一个比较大的语法错误，至少应该是studying online does have benefits。对7分作文而言，类似错误一定要避免；（4）本段前两句使用了两个短句，这固然没有什么语法问题，但如果将这两句合成一句，可以增加句型的多样性。

第 2段：It is true that acquiring knowledge online is an accessible way for students to be well-informed about the world.Simply clicking the mouse,various information will be displayed to students immediately(1).It is easy for them to know the most advanced technology,the culture of a foreign country,etc.However,education is not only about absorbing useful information,but also educate students to be good members in society(2).To achieve this end,the school system should continue to be the mainstream way of education.

【老雅修改】It is true that learning online is an ideal way for students to be well-informed about the world.A few simple clicks can immediately bring various information to the students such as the most advanced technology and the culture of a foreign country(3).However,education is not just about giving students useful information,but about telling them how to become good members in the society as well.To achieve this end,the traditional school system should remain the major way of education.

【老雅点评】（1）“Simply clicking the mouse,various information will be displayed to students immediately.”有较严重的语法错误。这种现在分词短语放在句首的句子，可以增加句式的丰富性，值得鼓励，但一定要注意，这个现在分词的逻辑主语一定要与主句的主语一致。在这里，clicking the mouse的逻辑主语应该是students，但后面句子的主语却是various information，这就造成了语法错误。有以下几种修改策略：

A.Just clicking the mouse,the students can immediately access various information.

B.Just click the mouse,and various information will be displayed on the screen.

C.A few simple clicks of the mouse can bring various information to the students.

（2）“...education is not only about absorbing useful information,but also educate students to be good members in society.”也有比较严重的语法错误，主要是absorb information 和educate students两个动词词组的逻辑主语不同，前者的主语是students,后者的主语是education，这样就前后不一致了。可以修改为：

A....education is not only about absorbing useful information,but also trying to be good members in the society.【两个动词词组的逻辑主语统一为students】

B....education is not only about giving useful information to students,but also telling them to be good members in the society.【两个动词词组的逻辑主语统一为education】

（3）原文中的第2和第3句可以合并成为一句，请参看老雅修改文是如何合并的。

第 3 段：Schooling is a desirable way to improve students’ soft skills.As the world becoming increasingly competitive(1),no one will excel if he is knowledgeable butlack of(2)teamwork spirit.This can be made up by attending traditional classes anddo(3)collaborative assignments with classmates.By communicating with each other and expressing themselves,students have the opportunity to realise the importance of cooperation,andthus better themselves comprehensively(4).

【老雅修改】 School is a more desirable place for students to improve their soft skills.As the world is becoming increasingly competitive,no one without the teamwork spirit can succeed no matter how knowledge he may be.This important sense of cooperation can be developed by attending traditional classes where students can do collaborative assignments with their classmates.By communicating with each other and expressing themselves,students have the opportunity to understand the importance of cooperation,and learn how to work together with others.

【老雅点评】（1）As the world becoming increasingly competitive...是较严重的语法错误，应该是as the world is becoming increasingly competitive;（2）no one will excel if he is knowledgeable but lack of teamwork spirit中，lack一词的用法出现错误，lack of应该是lacks。注意lack是及物动词，只有作名词的时候才用for lack of...（因为缺少……）；（3）“This can be made up by attending traditional classes and do collaborative assignments with classmates.”严格讲也是病句，do应该为doing，与attending 并列；（4）thus better themselves comprehensively此处属于中式英语表达，意思不太清楚。

第 4 段：Learning at home from Internet can not raise students’ awareness of being a moral person,which may bring about indifference to society.This is less possible to happen in a traditional school,where there are all kinds of extracurricular activity,volunteer work,for instance,to help build up their sense of responsibility to society and sympathy to others.

【老雅修改】Learning alone at home from the Internet is not a good way of fostering students’ sense of morality,which may bring about their indifference to others.However(1),this is lesslikely(2)to happen in the traditional school,where there are all kinds of extra-curricular activities,volunteer work,among others(3),to help students build up their sense of responsibility for the society and sympathy to others.

【老雅点评】本段错误不多。（1）增加了一个however,使两句之间的转折关系更清楚；（2）possible 改为likely，搭配为it is less likely to happen;（3）for instance改为among others，表示列举举例。

第 5段：In general,although the Internet is convenient to acquire knowledge(1),I do not think schooling will disappearbecause of the meaning of education(2).Learning online can only be a complement rather than a substitute.

【老雅修改】 To conclude,although the Internet provides a more convenient way of learning things,I do not think schools will disappear because they do have a role to play in education.Learning online can only be a complement rather than a substitute.

【老雅点评】（1）although the Internet is convenient to acquire knowledge此处表达不清楚，主语和谓语的搭配不太合适：the Internet学习知识更方便？这显然不合逻辑。应该是the Internet提供了一个更方便的学习方式；（2）because of the meaning of education也不太清楚：（学校不会消失）因为教育的意义？应该是（学校不会消失）因为学校在教育中有自己的功能。原文的表达过于中式思维，看起来好像是那么回事，但写成英语就不清楚了。□

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