读后续写试题分析及范例点评

◎赵海萍 刘继华 宁波大学科学技术学院

读后续写试题分析及范例点评

◎赵海萍 刘继华 宁波大学科学技术学院

Then Mac heard quick and loud breathing behind him.“Man,that’s a big dog!”he thought.But when he looked to the side,he saw instantly that it wasn’t a dog at all,but a wolf,quickly catching up with him.

Mac’s heart jumped.He found out his can of bear spray.With one hand on the bars,he fired the spray at the wolf.A bright red cloud enveloped the animal,and to Mac’s relief,it fell back,shaking its head.But a minute later,it was by his side again.Then it attacked the back of Mac’s bike,tearing open his tent bag.He fired at the wolf a second time,and again,it fell back only to quickly restart the chase(追赶).

Mac was pedaling hard now.He waved and yelled at passing cars but was careful not to slow down.He saw a steep uphill climb before him.He knew that once he hit the hill,he’d be easy caught up and the wolf’s teeth would be tearing into his flesh.

At this moment,Paul and Becky were driving their car on their way to Alaska.They didn’t think much of it when they saw two cyclists repairing their bike on the side of the road.A bit later,they spotted what they,too,assumed was a dog running alongside a man on a bike.As they got closer,they realized that the dog was a wolf.Mac heard a large vehicle behind him.He pulled in front of it as the wolf was catching up fast,just a dozen yards away now.

注意：

1.所续写短文的词数应为150左右；

2.应使用5个以上短文中标有下划线的关键词语；

3.续写部分分为两段，每段的开头语已为你写好；

4.续写完成后，请用下划线标出你所使用的关键词语。

试题要点分析

短文梗概M a c与两位朋友骑车去阿拉斯加，两位朋友因修车落后，M a c独自前行，遇到一头狼。M a c用防狼喷雾剂应付，狼仍然紧追不舍，并发起攻击。同时，P a u l与B e c k y驾驶汽车去阿拉斯加，正好看到狼在追逐M a c。故事线索与逻辑情节上，短文有两条线索：一是M a c遇狼，二是P a u l和B e c k y路上所见。两条线索开始时是平行的，互不相干，至短文结束时相交，到续写部分要求重叠（M a c应在P a u l和B e c k y的帮助下脱险）。一般而言，这两条线索最后如不重叠，则很难符合短文情节的发展逻辑。从背景看，故事中人物旅行的目的地都是阿拉斯加，短文虽然没有点明从何地前往阿拉斯加，但阿拉斯加是美国的一个州，属比较大的地方，逻辑上不太可能在几分钟后到达。从人物看，本次考试所给短文共有人物五位，为M a c、M a c的两位朋友、P a u l与B e c k y，从姓名判断，其中B e c k y应为女性，M a c与P a u l为男性，M a c的两位朋友性别不详。从人物关系看，P a u l,B e c k y两人与M a c其实并不认识。从人物行为看，M a c的两个朋友落后，M a c遇险时他们不在场，至续写部分的第二段才到达。正确理解原文线索和逻辑，对续写任务的顺利完成起着至关重要的作用，续写部分逻辑是否严密，主要取决于对原文的理解。关键词语与2 0 1 6年1 0月的考题一样，本次读后续写短文所画关键词语基本涵盖短文和续写所必须涉及的要素：人物：M a c,f r i e n d s,P a u l矛盾对象：w o l f（从故事情节来看，把狼放入人物一类也无妨）环境：c l i m b（名词，上坡）行为动作：p e d a l e d,j u m p e d器物：b i c y c l e,c a r其他相关因素：h o m e这些关键词语对续写部分的内容做了大致限制，使续写的故事与所给短文保持紧密的关系。同时，这些词语大多数是故事续写所必须用到的，因此，按要求使用5个以上应该不成问题。续写段落与开头语要求续写两段，第一段开头语为：“T h e c a r a b r u p t l y s t o p p e d i n f r o n t o f h i m.”说明P a u l和B e c k y将与M a c发生交集，很可能是帮助M a c脱险。第二段开头语为：“A f e w m i n u t e s l a t e r,t h e o t h e r t w o c y c l i s t s a r r i v e d.”表明M a c的两位朋友来到事发现场。

答题建议

文体结构内容语言形式记叙文体。重在讲述故事，应避免轻易议论。本次读后续写短文就是简单地讲述一个事件，没有什么高深伟大的思想。有的考生喜欢“心灵鸡汤”式的故事结尾，在记叙文最后提炼出提升文章思想层次的议论型语句，这类语句，如提炼得好，用得巧妙，能给文章添彩。但就此篇故事来看，绝大多数考生能够提炼成的“格言警句”，无非就是“a l w a y s r e m e m b e r t o g i v e a h a n d w h e n s o m e o n e i s i n n e e d”，有人可能会认为这样的“鸡汤”“高大上”，实际上并不符合短文目的，在逻辑上与短文相接存在较大难度。议论所占比例过大时，尤其显得不伦不类。分两段，共1 5 0词左右，两段词数最好能基本平衡，一般应避免一段过长一段过短的情况。每段开头语已经限制了情景条件，因此每一段的故事发展逻辑应与短文和每段开头语相符。一般来说，这样的故事以M a c最终脱险为宜。当然，如果M a c最后命丧狼口，也并不是完全不符合事实逻辑。从内容的两段分配来看，第二段M a c的朋友到达时，M a c可能已经脱险，也可能仍未脱险，两种情况都应该是符合情节逻辑的。时态上，短文叙述发生在过去的一件事情，采用过去时。短文语言总体较为平实，没有过于特别的句式，也没有大词、生僻词，但有一些生动地道的表达法（如“t h e w o l f’s t e e t h w o u l d b e t e a r i n g i n t o h i s f l e s h”）。续写时最好能延续这种风格，用词和句式上可以有变化，描写上可以尽量生动，但不应盲目追求所谓的“高大上”，应以干净、明白、有表现力为准。描写中可恰当使用一些对话，但需注意不应过多，尤其是不应有过多过于简单的对话，否则无法在有限的空间里展示语言运用能力。除总结性的语句外，应注重细节，多使用描绘性、描述性的语言，而不是说明性的语言。要恰当使用语句连接成分，但需要注意的是，能够完成语句连接任务的并不只有连接词和连接性副词及词组，它还包括其他许多手段，如代词（代名词、代动词）、某些修辞手法（如重复、平行结构等）、甚至句式变换等。续写语句的文气应与开头语相接，所续写语句相互之间的文气也应相接，使文章自然流畅，符合语言逻辑。本次考试两句开头语对接续语句主位的要求并不十分严格，两段都可从M a c的角度接写，第一段也可从P a u l和B e c k y的角度接写，第二段从M a c朋友的角度接写也很自然。最好能紧接每段开头语续写，使开头语与续写部分形成一个完整的段落。如果是在开头语行下方开始续写，实际上就是另外一段了。书写应规范工整。不要忘记给所用的关键词画上底线。1 0个关键词不必全部用到，但最好能超过5个。

习作点评

学生习作1

The car abruptly stopped in front of him.“Man,come in quickly!”shouted Paul.Hearing the voice,Mac got off the bicycle and jumped into the car without hesitation.Before Mac could say a word,the car rushed at an incredibly high speed.Looking back through thewindow,he found the wolf gradually disappeared in the dark night.After arriving at a safe place,Mac explained what had just happened and thanked Paul and Becky.Then he made a call to inform his friends of his location.

A few minutes later,the other two cyclists arrived.When told about Mac’s frightening experience,the two were astonished with their mouths widely open,for they didn’t meet any animal on their way.Worried about coming across the wolf again,Paul offered to drive them to Alaska wholeheartedly.With two bicycles placed in the back of the car,they set off in the bright sunrise.Staring at the breath-taking scenery along the way,Mac said to himself,“But I never want to show my family to this place!”

点评1

这篇习作描写细致，文气较为通畅，语言面貌总体相当不错，较好地完成了交际任务。习作故事情节设计合理，与短文融洽度高，人物行为与场景描述细腻，同时穿插心理描绘，有动有静，有声有色。习作语言富于变化，在描写过程中恰当地使用了不少具有较强表现力的细节描述性语言，如“Before Mac could say a word”“at an incredibly high speed”“their mouths widely open”等，使故事非常生动。当然，习作也存在一些问题。首先，习作使用了“in the dark night”与“in the bright sunrise”两个表示时间的短语，是逻辑上的失误。所给短文开始说的是“a bright,warm July afternoon”。从短文和续写的描述看，自Mac与狼遭遇到摆脱狼的追逐，并没有用太多的时间，因此在黑夜中看着狼离去的说法不成立。后来，开车到达安全场所，Mac讲述了经过，几分钟后，朋友到达，不久就是灿烂的日出，也不成立。这一时间逻辑的失误可能是考生未能透彻理解原文所致。另外，Mac最后一句所说的“But”也存在逻辑断层。语法上，“the wolf graduallydisappeared”和“they didn’t meet any animal”时 态 不 当 ，“the two were astonished with their mouths widely open”的语句结构、“wholeheartedly”的位置等也还应该更精细地推敲。词汇方面，将表示惊叹的“man”当作对人的称呼是一个错误，词组“without hesitation”不但多余，而且削弱了时间的短促感，也不妥当。但总体而言，这些问题不影响意义传达。本篇习作词汇与语法结构较为丰富、准确，语句间连接成分非常有效，标点非常准确。习作产出158词（不含开头语），使用了6个关键词语。根据本次考试浙江省考生的总体情况，如不考虑“in the dark night”与“in the bright sunrise”误用所导致的逻辑缺陷，单从语言能力来看，本篇习作可判为第五档。

学生习作2

The car abruptly stopped in front of him.At that moment,Mac jumped to the top of the car.Fortunately,he succeeded.Then,realizing what is happening,Paul drove the car away quickly.After a few minutes,the car stopped again.Mac jumped down and thanked Paul and Becky.“It seemed that you had an exciting experience!”Paul said,laughing.“Oh,yes!It was really exciting and I would be caught by the wolf without your help.”Mac replied,“I must wait for my friends!Thank you again.”

A few minutes later,the other two cyclists arrived.Noticing that Mac was standing alone without his bicycle,they asked Mac what had happened.Mac told them the wolf,the help of Paul and Becky’s.“Wow,it was amazing!”They shouted.“But you will never know what I felt at that time.My heart jumped widely.”Mac said.“Don’t worry,I think it must be an unforgettable pedaling experience for you.You should value it.”One of Mac’s friends tried to comfort him.“But now,how can I go home without my bicycle?”

点评2

矫形方式为棒平移矫形，边界条件为约束T1椎体上部在X、Y轴方向上的自由度，同时约束骶骨和骨盆的自由度。矫形上棒时将棒预弯一定角度，凹侧上棒矫形。手术节段为T2 ～ L2。上棒矫形过程中没有考虑肌肉和胸廓对手术的影响。术后测量胸椎、胸腰段和腰椎曲度，同时测量螺钉对应的拔出力。

这篇习作与短文融洽度较高，与段落开头语衔接紧密。逻辑上，除开头的“jumped to the top of the car”和最后的“without my bicycle”外，总体没有什么问题。应该说，这篇习作还是比较顺利地完成了交际任务的。语言面貌上，与上一篇习作相比，本篇问题稍多一些。一是语法错误，如“realizing what is happening”“you had an exciting experience”“I would be caught by the wolf”“it must be an unforgettable pedaling experience”中时与体的误用，“told them the wolf”中介词的缺失，“Mac told them the wolf”与“the help of Paul and Becky’s”之间连接词的缺失等。“what I felt at that time”中的“what”（关系代词）与“how”（关系副词）的混淆也属语法问题。二是词汇意义不清，主要体现在“amazing”一词上。三是拼写（“widely”）、标点和大小写等问题（“without your help”,“My heart jumped widely”和“You should value it”后应为逗号，“Mac replied”和“Don’t worry”后均应用句号，“They shouted”中的“They”和“One of Mac’s friends tried to comfort him”中的“One”首字母均应小写）。四是语言逻辑问题，如“Fortunately,he succeeded”一句其实是多余的，因为上一句的“Mac jumped to the top of the car”其实就是“he succeeded”。这种多余的表述虽然不影响意义，但阻碍了文气，教学中应该多加注意。本篇习作产出164词（不含开头语），使用了7个关键词语。总体而言，习作对语法结构以及词汇的丰富性和准确性有较好的注意，所出现的问题对意义的表达影响不大，总体文气较为流畅，可判为第四档。

学生习作3

The car abruptly stopped in front of him.Paul shouted to Mac.“Come on!”Without hesitation,Mac jumped into the car leaving his bicycle.The wolf looked angry.The wolf hit his bicycle without mercy.Wandering for a while,the wolf left.After a long time to calm down,Mac began to said in a weak voice,“I just thought I would never see my wife and my lovely daughters again.It is your kindness that saved my life!”

A few minutes later,the other two cyclists arrived.They were shocked at what they have seen,a broken bicycle and Mac was worn-out.They asked,“Hey brother!What’s wrong with you?”Mac explained what happened to him and introduced his new friends to them.Mac said,“Without their help,I won’t survive.And what happened to me revealed that we should give other a hand when they are in need.”What a dangerous pedaling!

点评3

这篇习作与所给短文融洽度高，与所提供的开头语衔接非常紧密，故事设计符合逻辑，描写生动，如狼攻击Mac时的样子、Mac的朋友询问时的语气等都给人如在眼前之感。但在语言使用上，本篇习作问题稍多。语法方面，有时态错误（如“They were shocked at what they have seen”“Mac explained what happened to him”“I won’t survive”等）、非谓语动词错误（如“Wandering for a while”“to calm down”“began to said”）、数的错误（“give other a hand”）、标点错误（“Paul shouted to Mac”后应为逗号）等，也有句式结构不平衡的问题（“a broken bicycle and Mac was worn-out”）和衔接不合理的问题（如“The wolf hit his bicycle”中的“The wolf”与前一句主语重复）。词汇方面，有些词汇由于意义理解不准确而误用，如将“leaving his bicycle behind”与“leaving his bicycle”混淆；有的则是对语境要求不清楚而误用，如“Come on”。此外还有一些粗心所致的小错误，如关键词画线时将标点符号也一起画了进去（“Mac.”和“pedaling!”）。幸而以上这些错误对意义的传达并不产生大的影响，不至于过分损及交际任务的完成。本篇习作共产出139词（不含开头语），使用了8个关键词语，写出了较多内容，行为描写与对话穿插，语句结构与词汇富于变化，连接手段有效，文气较为连贯，意义传达效果良好，较好地满足了任务的要求，是一篇合格的作文，可判为第三档的高分。

学生习作4

The car abruptly stopped in front of him.Mac ask them for help,he said the wolf chased him long time.He was very tired.At that moment,the wolf arrived.It was very big.Paul and Becky climbed the car to found something to make it go back.They found two chair and a wood.So they slowly caught the wolf and then use the wood to make it died.They were very tired and afraid.But finally the won the“war”They felt they were lucky dogs,They all didn’t die.

A few minutes later,the other two cyclists arrived.Mac told his friends what happened a few minutes ago.They were very surprised and asked Mac he was ok?Mac told them he is ok and extended his gratitude to Paul and Becky.Because they helped him,he was live.And they went back home.Mac decided to ask his parents and wife what happened.He thought it was surprised.It was aamuseing experence.It was personal and someone nerer met or experenced.He was very lucky.

这篇习作内容上与所给短文关系密切，与所提供各段落开头语也有很好的衔接，写出了较多内容，文气基本连贯，但逻辑上和语言上都存在较多错误。逻辑上，续写的最后提到Mac决定问父母亲和妻子发生了什么事情，并觉得所发生的事情惊人，与故事内容相左。语言方面，语法错误较多，有时态错误（如“Mac ask them for help”“Mac told his friends what happened”“Mac told them he is ok”等）、句式结构错误（如“asked Mac he was ok”）、动词形式错误（如“to found something”“to make it died”等）、标点断句错误（如标点缺失、逗号误作句号）等。本篇习作的词汇错误也非常突出，计有词性与数的错误（如“two chair and a wood”）、副词错误（如“a few minutes ago”）、形容词错误（如“it was surprised”）、冠词错误（“a amuseing experence”）、拼写错误（如“the won the‘war’”“amuseing”“experence”“nerer”）等。此外，习作还存在词汇不够用而采取“绕弯子”导致意义表达不明确（如“found something to make it go back”和“use the wood to make it died”）的情况。比较严重的问题，是由于词义不清而致意义传达受到影响，如“It was personal and someone nerer met or experenced”就无法让人理解。幸而这些情况出现并不多，总体上看，本篇习作产出164词（不含开头语），使用了6个关键词语（画线5个），全文内容基本连贯，意义传达虽然受到一点影响，但基本完成了交际任务，可判为第三档中段。

学生习作5

The car abruptly stopped in front of him.But there was stil a long distance.Mac realized so long as he Predales to the car,he would be saved.Unfortunately,he couldn’t even breath with running out of the energy.The wolf was going to catch him.Paul shouted in order to remind him,but he couldn’t recognized what he said.when his heart couldn’t jamped,his mind turned up his home with his wife and daughter.Instantly,he stuck to pedaled.The car was near and near,and the wolf was also near and near.He found the car is in the face,andgave up his bicycle,ran to the car.He made it!He escaped from the wolf.

A few minutes later,the other two cyclists arrived.They astonished what happened on their friend,and nothing could express their apology for leaving Mac alone.He was tired but still gave a smile to them,which let they knew he had forgiven them.It also let Mac knew life was So lucky that he Should take use of every seconds.

点评5

与上一篇习作相似，这篇习作与所给短文融洽度也较高，与所提供各段落开头语也有很好的衔接，写出了较多内容，文气基本连贯。语言上，上一篇习作中存在的问题这一篇中基本都存在，如时、体、态方面的错误，非谓语动词形式的错误、介词的错误、名词数的错误、代词格的错误（“let they knew”）等等，大小写错误（如“Predales”,“when his heart couldn’t jamped”,“life was So lucky that he Should take use”）与拼写错误则明显多于上一篇。更为严重的是，指代混乱（如第一段中的“he”与“him”究竟是指Paul还是Mac不清楚）、选词不当（如“he couldn’t even breath with running out of the energy”“his mind turned up his home”“the car is in the face”）、词语搭配不当（如“he stuck to pedaled”）等问题导致意义的传达受到较为严重的影响。本篇习作共产出165词（不含开头语），使用了6个关键词语，多数情况下意义传达基本顺利，语言上，词汇较为丰富，对于较复杂的结构也有较好的尝试，长短相较，可判为第二档。

学生习作6

The car abruptly stopped in front of him.Mac’s heart jumped.He know If he stop he will be wolf’s teeth to tear into his flesh.So he was loud told until a people under the car.He finded he is a policeman.He pedaled to that man for help.That man saw a wolf was chase this man.So he shake it.The man was living.He could go home with his family.He thanks that man for help.

A few minutes later,the other two cyclists arrived.They saw the wolf was died.They very happy.Paul thanks Mac and another.Then they brought this wolf to the zoo.

点评6

应该说，这篇习作与所给短文关系密切，与所提供各段落开头语也有很好的衔接，但总体面貌简陋，考生共产出94词（不含开头语），而且语句过于简单，语法与词汇错误很多，尤其严重的是，逻辑上出现了很大的漏洞，如Mac发现Paul的车底有一名警察、Paul感谢Mac等。有许多地方由于语言错误导致意义无法理解，如“he was loud told until a people under the car”“he shake it”“The man was living”等。另外，叙述上还有自相矛盾的地方，如先写了“They saw the wolf was died”，后又说“they brought this wolf to the zoo”，让人摸不着头脑，表明考生逻辑思考不够缜密。总体来看，本篇习作虽然与所提供短文和开头语有较好的衔接，关键词语的使用（5个）也符合要求，语句间也有一定的连接成分，但产出内容太少，语法结构和词汇项目都很有限，语言面貌不佳，全文内容也不够连贯，交际任务完成情况差，可判为第一档。

结语

结合浙江省高考英语学科评卷有关评分原则及各档次的给分范围和要求，我们对一些考生习作做了点评分析。总体来看，与2016年10月浙江省新高考首考相比，2017年6月高考英语读后续写考生答题情况有较大的进步，主要表现在续写内容与所给短文融洽度以及与所提供各段落开头语衔接的合理程度均有较大提高，情节的设计更为合理，内容的连贯性有所加强，关键词的使用更为自然完善。语言上，语法结构和词汇的丰富性和准确性均有较大提高，语言错误和盲目追求所谓“高大上”的情况呈现逐渐减少的趋势，细节描绘和语言生动性得到了足够的重视。这些都体现了浙江省半年多来高中英语写作教学的进步。今后如能更多加强输入的训练，在原文理解和逻辑组织上多下功夫，相信浙江省高中英语写作教学一定能取得更加显著的成效。

责任编辑：李益