概要写作及习作点评

2017-02-17施勤敏浙江省德清高级中学

作文新天地 2017年13期

关键词：连贯原文要点

◎施勤敏浙江省德清高级中学

英语写作

概要写作及习作点评

◎施勤敏浙江省德清高级中学

特约主持：赵伐

题型分析

概要写作是一种要求学生在读懂文章的基础上用自己的语言归纳出文章主旨大意的书面表达形式，涉及“阅读+写作”两种技能的运用，因此对学生的阅读理解、概括归纳和书面表达等能力都提出了很高要求。浙江省新高考英语试题这一题型要求考生将350词的英语原文缩略成60词左右的概要，虽然写作的词数较150词的续写少许多，但难度并不亚于续写题型。考生要在概要写作中取得较理想的分数，必须做到以下几点：第一，需要通过阅读，准确把握不同体裁文章的主旨大意；第二，需要把握文章的内部逻辑关系，区分主要观点和用以支撑的细节信息；第三，需要用自己的语言，精准、连贯地写出主旨大意。

学生习作分析

1 .题目要求

阅读下面短文，根据其内容写一篇60词左右的内容概要：

Cyberspace(网络空间)has given rise to a new social change where people make friends from across the world,but know little about their next-door neighbors.This worries critics(批评家).

Take Bob for example.He thinks his neighbor doesn’t know anything about gardening,but his instant messaging friend Gr33nThum does.Besides, Gr33nThum doesn’t do that annoying sound when he talks.Those people like Bob have long been criticized for their lack of necessary social skills.Critics think people almost forget how to naturally communicate with their neighbors,creating a social network of strangers.

However,a report entitled“The Strength of Internet Ties”provides a different opinion.Sociologists are suggesting that the Internet helps develop social networks and make use of them when it matters most.

Friends often move.As kids,our friends’parents move away.As adults, we move away to college or for work.Communicative tools have made losing touch the result of laziness,not distance.“The larger and the more diverse（多样）a person’s network,the more important e-mail is,”argues Jeffrey Boase, who co-authored the report.“You can’t make phone calls or personal visits to all your friends very often,but you can keep in touch with them regularly with the help of the Internet.That turns out to be very important.”

In addition to expanding and strengthening the social ties people keep in the offline world,Internet and e-mail provide a social and informational support group that helps people make difficult decisions and face challenges.“Internet use provides online users a path to resources,such as access to people who may have the right information to help deal with family health problems or find a new job,”says John Horrigan,author of the report.“The Internet creates a new basis for community.Rather than relying on a single community for social support,people often must actively seek out a variety of appropriate people and resources for different situations,”says co-author Barry Wellman.

2.考题分析

原文是一篇层次分明的议论文，由五个段落组成。文章的结构为：引论（第一段），本论（第二段）和论据（三、四两段）。但文中有不少长难句，要梳理出每段的要点并用精练的语言加以概括，还是有一定难度的。

命题教师也给出了一个概要的样本：

Some critics worry that cyberspace will rob the Internet users of necessary social skills.（要点1）However,a report suggests that the Internet can be of benefits to social networks.（要点2）It can serve as a tool to help people stay in regular touch with friends.（要点3）Besides,it supplies people with social and informational resources when they are faced with difficult situations.（要点4）

3.习作点评

学生习作1（得分3分）

Cyberspace has given rise to a new social change where people make friends from across the world,but know little about their next door neighbors. Cyberspace are large and more diverse a person’s network.It has more important e-mail is.So I think cyberspace are very good for our life.（50词）

点评1

显而易见，这个考生的英语阅读能力和写作能力都是很弱的。文中除照抄原文的第一句话和第一个要点与原文意思接近外，其他没有点到任何一个要点。第二、三两句话也是从原文中的句子“‘The larger and the more diverse a person’s network,the more important e-mail is’,argues Jeffrey Boase.”改写的，且存在语法错误。只有最后一个简短的句子是考生自己的话。根据评分标准，这篇概要写作在原文理解和语言质量方面都存在很大问题，且所使用的50个词中大部分为原文的句子。可见，对于英语基础差的考生，摘抄拼凑原文的内容并不能提高得分，扎扎实实地从阅读入手，读懂读透原文是提高概要写作能力的第一步。

学生习作2（得分7分）

Cyberspace makes a new social change,it has bad hand and great hand. Someone thinks the internet makes people lack of necessary social skills. However,some people think first the internet helps develop social networks. Secondly,the internet makes people more convenient.Finally,the internet creates a new basis for community.Therefore,the internet is fantastic in some hands.In other hands,it maybe bad.（65词）

点评2

与上一篇习作比较，这个考生的阅读理解能力要好一些，基本读懂了原文，能找到文中的部分要点和一些关键词，如“lack of necessary social skills”“help develop social networks”，并有意识地使用了一些连贯词，如“However”“secondly”“finally”“therefore”。但显然，这个考生的词汇量、语言表达和概括能力是欠缺的，比如全篇反复用到的“hand”一词，虽然可能对高中教学中经常提到的“on one hand”和“on the other hand”有些印象，但文中的运用都是错误的。第一句“bad hand and great hand”应该是“disadvantages and advantages”的意思，最后两句的“hands”换成“aspects”较好。可见考生词汇量十分匮乏。虽然考生能找到关键词“lack of necessary social skills”，但其改写的句子“Someone thinks internet makes people lack of necessary social skills.”不够地道，用“make”这样的句式比较生硬，改为“Some people believe internet is the cause of...”或者“result in...”等表达方式或许更妥。考生在用原文词汇拼凑要点时，还出现了许多词汇和语法上的错误，影响了意义的表达。

学生习作3（得分13分）

Cyberspace changed our life and we always make friends on the Internet. Some critics worried that we will lose the necessary social skill.However,a report had a different opinion.They thought that we can keep in touch with all your friends regularly on the internet.And it also helps us to deal with difficult challenges.The Internet creates a new basis for community,people can find suitable people and resources.（70词）

点评3

这篇习作包含了大部分要点，涵盖了第一段的引论和第三、四两段的论据，但最重要的立论只用了“However,a report had a different opinions”，没有点明要点。习作的语言质量比上两篇要好一点，词汇和句子错误不多。但仍可以看出语言运用能力和概括能力有待进一步提高，比如习作中第一和第二两句“Cyberspace changed our life and we always make friends onthe Internet.Some critics worried that we will lose the necessary social skill.”都是对要点一的阐述，不够精练到位，合成一句“Some critics worry that we will lose the necessary social skill since we always make friends on the internet.”会更好。习作中很多句子还是对原文的词块的简单重组，行文不够连贯和紧凑。如“They thought that we can keep in touch with all your friends regularly on the internet.”套用原文词块时忘记改变人称，出现了we和you的混乱，建议改成“Thanks to the internet,we can keep in touch with all our friends regularly.”。“The Internet creates a new basis for community”一句更是完全照搬原文，可以省略。

学生习作4（得分18分）

Cyberspace leads to changes of society,which makes critics set out to worry.They hold a belief that nowadays people even lose the ability of natural communicating.Nevertheless,there is a report indicating an opposite view against critics that the Internet contributes to develop social networks.They point out that instead of distance,it is the laziness that result in people’s losing touch.Also,they attach great importance to the Internet in communication. Additionally,the online worlds lay a solid foundation for community,giving people a hand to make decision and face challenges.（94词）

点评4

这篇习作较上面三篇显然要好很多，学生对原文的理解准确，四个要点都已覆盖，且习作几乎完全用自己的语言重新组织了几个要点，行文流畅，词汇和结构比较丰富，如连贯词用到了“nevertheless”“also”“additionally”,句子结构运用了定语从句（Cyberspace leads to changes of society,which makes critics set out to worry.）、同位语从句（there is a report indicating an opposite view against critics that the Internet contributes to develop social networks.），强调句（it is the laziness that result in people’s losing touch.），非谓语（giving people a hand to make decision and face challenges.）等复杂的结构。虽然文中也出现了两处语言错误，如：contributes todevelop social networks（to是介词，应为developing）和it is the laziness that result in people’s losing touch（laziness是单数，从句谓语应改为results in），但都是因为尝试较复杂的结构和较高级的词汇造成的，且不影响意义的表达。然而这篇习作最大的问题是概括不够言简意赅，语言不够精练，包含了一些可以省略的细节。如第一、二两句“Cyberspace leads to changes of society,which makes critics set out to worry.They hold a belief that nowadays people even lose the ability of natural communicating.”建议可以提炼成一句“Critics worry that people even lose the ability of natural communication due to the changes of society brought by cyberspace.”。又如习作中“They point out that instead of distance,it is the laziness that result in people’s losing touch.”这个细节可以删去，直接阐明“the internet helps people stay in regular touch with friends”就可以了。概要写作的词数范围为40-80，过多或过少都要酌情扣两分。

学生习作5（得分23分）

Critics have long been worried that the Internet may deprive people of necessary social skills,bringing about a great social change.However,a report recently published provided a different opinion.It says that the Internet makes distance no longer a setback for communication and thus expands and strengthens the social ties in the real world.Besides,it is stated that the Internet provides a social and informational support group that helps people make decisions.（74词）

点评5

这篇习作在呈现的五篇习作中显然是能脱颖而出的，考生不仅对原文理解精准，而且概括到位，语言精练，行文流畅，体现出较高的英语运用能力。全文在原创的情况下没有出现词汇或结构错误，且自如运用高级词汇和复杂结构，如篇首“Critics have long been worried that the Internet may deprive people of necessary social skills,bringing about a great social change.”这一句。能在对原文准确解读的基础上，巧妙精练地加以总结，如对要点三的阐明“It says that the Internet makes distance no longer a setback for communication and thus expands and strengthens the social ties in the real world.”一句。可惜的是，对于要点二，立论的阐明还不够到位，应进一步表述a different opinion的内容。但瑕不掩瑜，这仍然是一篇佳作。