失而复得的自己

2016-12-07

新东方英语·中学版 2016年8期

I liked being a mess1）. The desk that should have been clear so I could do my homework was always surrounded with bowls of cereal2） and spoiled milk， old magazines and Post-it notes3） I had forgotten to remember. My floor was a vacuum in itself， eating anything entering my room. It consumed sweaters， stuffed animals4）， socks， shoes. When I occasionally did laundry， I would dig up clothes I couldnt even recall purchasing. My shelves overflowed5） with containers of little odds and ends6）： hair bands， matches， change， coins. I couldnt always see these things， but I knew that they were safe， nestled7） somewhere on a shelf. Like old friends in a phone book， I figured that someday I would find all the loose8） things.

One lonely day in August when all of my friends had yet to return from camp in Maine， something inside me began to itch9）. I tried taking a shower， rubbing myself with every body wash and bar of soap I could find. I brushed my hair and my teeth， but didnt feel any cleaner.

I went downstairs and found my brother playing video games， my mom on the phone， and my dad in his office—everyone in their right place. I told my mom that something didnt feel right， and she suggested that for once10） I should clean my room.

When I opened the door to my bedroom， everything was in its usual cluttered11） arrangement. A plate of half-eaten pancakes sat on my desk. My heavy covers laycrumpled12） and cold across my bed， molded by the twists and turns of the previous night. Piles of dirty clothes sat unsorted， collecting dust.

I stood in the middle of the cluttered room， breathing in the dirty air that I had become so used to. In the silence of that moment， I began to hear the clock ticking. I became aware of the moldy smell. I noticed that a spider had spun13） a shimmering14） line from my lamp to the top of my mirror. I shivered in disgust. I remembered that winter how my stuffed animal， Vanilla， had fallen behind my dresser and I hadnt noticed until I caught the unpleasant scent of her fur burning against the heater， until it was too late and she was permanently covered in brown spots.

I suddenly felt sympathy for everything in my room that I had buried， never to be seen again. Lost items I had forgotten for years made their way back into my consciousness： my favorite yellow T-shirt， the picture of my mom and me on that boat in Jamaica， my baseball card collection.

I had an urge to dive under my bed and uncover everything lurking15） in the depths of dust， and to climb up into the highest corners of my closet and rescue items that had been mingling with the spiders. The innocent piles were growing higher and higher until they were looming16） monsters before my eyes. They were threatening to swallow me whole. I had to get rid of them. And so I started to clean.

In a box buried under old textbooks， I found a letter that my Poppy17） had written me at camp. I hadnt thought of him since his funeral. I remembered my dad rocking me to sleep the night Poppy died， and how the tears wouldnt stop.

In the drawer next to my bed， I found a friendship bracelet18） my childhood best friend， Aubrey， had given to me before she moved to California. I traced19） the green and purple pattern with my thumb， realizing that I hadnt spoken to her in years. The next day I called her， and we talked all night. She reminded me of the time we built a family of snowmen in my backyard and had a funeral for them when theyd melted. I had lost so many precious childhood memories over time， letting them slip away20） into the tide like grains of sand. It was the kind of conversation you never want to end because for each moment we talked， it felt like a bucket collecting droplets of water from a leak.

Under my bed I even found that picture of my mom and me in Jamaica. I had forgotten how turquoise21） the water had looked from our ship， but what really caught my attention， though， was my image. I had buck teeth22）， short hair and pimples23） covering my face. I stared at that girl， barely able to recognize this person who had drowned in the mess of my room so many years before. I decided to completely reorganize and revamp24） my room so that all the books， belts and baskets were in their right place. It was like finding the missing pieces of the puzzle.

The finishing touch25） was framing that photo and hanging it high up on my wall. After all， it was me I had been searching for.

我以前喜欢邋里邋遢的。书桌本该干干净净的，以便我能做作业，可它却总被一碗碗麦片和变质牛奶，一本本旧杂志以及被我遗忘在脑后、没能起到提醒作用的一张张便利贴包围着。我房间里的地板本身就是一个吸尘器，吃掉了进入我房间的任何东西。它大口吞下运动衫、毛绒玩具、袜子和鞋子。我偶尔洗衣服时，总会翻出一些我甚至都想不起来自己曾经买过的衣服。我的架子上到处都是装着发带、火柴、零钱、硬币等小零碎的盒盒罐罐。虽然我并不总能看到这些东西，但我知道它们都没有丢，都舒舒服服地躺在架子上的某个地方。就像电话本上的那些老朋友一样，我认为有一天我会找到所有这些零零散散的东西。

8月里的一天，我所有的朋友都还没有从缅因州野营回来，我感到有些寂寞，内心的某种东西开始痒痒了。我试着洗了个澡，用我能找到的每种沐浴乳和每块肥皂擦洗身体。我还梳了头发、刷了牙，可却丝毫没有感觉变干净些。

我来到楼下，发现弟弟正在玩电子游戏，妈妈在打电话，爸爸则在他的办公室里——每个人都在他们应该在的地方。我告诉妈妈有什么东西感觉不太对劲，她建议我应该打扫一下我的房间，哪怕就这一次。

当我打开卧室的房门，所有东西都像平常那样被摆放得凌乱不堪。书桌上搁着一盘吃了一半的煎饼。我那厚重的、冰凉的被子皱巴巴地摊在我的床上，被前一晚睡觉时来回翻身的我塑造成了现在的模样。一堆堆脏衣服杂乱地摆放着，积满了灰尘。

我站在这个杂乱的房间中间，呼吸着我早已习惯无比的污浊空气。在那一刻的寂静中，我开始听到时钟的嘀嗒声。我开始察觉到空气中的霉味。我注意到一只蜘蛛已经从我的台灯拉了一根闪闪发亮的蛛丝到镜子的上缘。我厌恶地发抖。我记起了那年冬天，我的毛绒玩具瓦尼拉掉在了我的梳妆台后面，可我一直都没发现，直到我闻到她的绒毛被暖气烤焦散发出的难闻气味，直到为时已晚，她身上永远留下了棕色的斑点。

我忽然对我房间里所有被我掩埋、再也不见天日的东西都产生了同情。那些已被我遗忘数载的物品再度回到我的意识之中：我最喜欢的黄色T恤、我和妈妈在牙买加乘坐那艘船时的合影，还有我收集的棒球卡。

我有种冲动，想要冲到我的床下把所有暗藏在积尘深处的东西都找出来，还想爬到我壁橱的最高处，把各个角落里那些一直与蜘蛛为伍的东西都解救出来。一堆堆无辜的物品变得越来越高，直到它们成为一群怪兽，赫然耸现在我眼前。它们扬言要把我整个人都吞下去。我得摆脱它们，于是我开始收拾起来。

在埋在一堆旧课本下面的一个盒子里，我找到了爷爷在我参加野营时给我写的一封信。自从他的葬礼之后，我就没有想起过他。我记得爷爷去世当晚，爸爸轻摇着我入睡，也记得当时我的眼泪是如何止不住地往下流。

在我床边的那个抽屉里，我发现了我童年时期最好的朋友奥布里在搬去加利福尼亚之前送给我的一串友谊手绳。我用拇指摩挲着手链上绿紫相间的图案，意识到我已经好几年没有跟她说过话了。第二天我给她打了个电话，我们聊了一整晚。她使我想起了那段时光：我们在我家后院堆了雪人一家，后来在雪人融化后为它们举行了葬礼。随着时间的流逝，我已然遗忘了这么多珍贵的童年记忆，任由它们像一粒粒沙那般溜掉，落入潮水之中。这是你永远不希望结束的那种谈话，因为在我们交谈的每一个瞬间，都感觉像是在用一个水桶收集从一个裂缝漏出来的水滴。

我甚至从床底下找到了我和妈妈在牙买加拍的那张照片。我已经忘了从我们的船上看去，海水是多么的碧绿，不过真正引起我注意的却是照片中的我。我那时长着龅牙，留着短发，满脸都是青春痘。我盯着照片上的那个女孩，几乎认不出淹没在我房间一片狼藉之中那么多年的这个人了。我决定把我的房间彻底地调整、归置一番，这样所有的书、腰带和篮子就都能各归其位了——就好像找到拼图中缺失的那些碎片一样。

最后收尾的工作就是把那张照片装进相框，高高地挂在我房间的墙上。说到底，我一直在找寻的正是我自己呀。

1. be a mess：不整洁，邋遢

2. cereal [?s??ri?l] n. 加工而成的谷类食物（一般指燕麦片、玉米片等早餐食品）

3. Post-it note：便利贴；黏胶便条纸

4. stuffed animal：（动物造型的）布绒玩具

5. overflow [???v??fl??] vi. 漫出，溢出；满是，有许多（with）

6. odds and ends：零碎的东西；小玩意

7. nestle [?nesl] vt. 使舒适地安顿下来

8. loose [lu?s] adj. 未系（或订）在一起的；零散的

9. itch [?t?] vi. 发痒；使人发痒

10. for once：难得一次，就这一回

11. cluttered [?kl?t?d] adj. 杂乱的；凌乱的；挤满的