让爱融化恨意

Lets be honest： It feels good to be loved. After a performance in Arizona last summer， a young teenage girl waited in a long line of fans to give me a clay heart she had made. Upon receiving it， my own heart melted， as if it were made of the same soft clay.

You dont have to have a performing career to have a following of admirers these days. With the rising of online communities in the last decade such as YouTube， Facebook， Twitter， etc.， most of us have had the experience of building our own followings， whether our circle of family and friends or as part of a business or organization that we run. Who doesnt enjoy getting "likes" and reading through the re-affirming comments of others？ Indeed， being admired is a validating1） experience and I dont know many people that dont want to be respected and loved.

But what happens when you are openly and publicly criticized and even hated？ Does it knock you off your center？ Along with the benefits of these online social communities comes a platform for negative voices that we may not always be able to control. Ive had my fair share2） of haters. Sure you can "block3）" or "unfriend4）" anyone who wishes you emotional harm， but once a malicious5） comment has blindsided6） you， it can really shake you up7）. Here are a few tips on how to come out of these situations unscathed8） and even more confident than before.

实不相瞒：被爱的感觉真的很好！去年夏天，有一次在亚利桑那州表演完后，一个十来岁的年轻姑娘排在长长的粉丝队伍中，等着要把她用陶土做成的心送给我。拿到手的那一刻，我的心就融化了，仿佛自己的那颗心也是用同样的软泥做成的。

现如今，你不用非得从事演艺事业，也能拥有一大批仰慕你的人。近十年来，随着诸如视频网站YouTube、社交网站Facebook和推特等各种网络平台的兴起，我们大多数人都已经有了打造我们自己的追随者的经历，不管是我们的家人、朋友也好，还是我们生意上、团队里的伙伴也罢。谁不喜欢得到别人的“点赞”，谁不喜欢从头到尾地读完别人再三肯定自己的评论？的确，被人仰慕是一种得到认可的体验，我认识的人当中也很少有人不想受到尊敬与爱慕。

但是，如果你遭到公开的批评甚至是憎恨，你会怎样？你会因此失去内心的平衡吗？这些网络社交平台在带来种种好处的同时，也会给网友提供发表各类负面声音的机会，而我们也许并不一定总能掌控这些负面声音。我也免不了有恨我的人。当然，你可以“屏蔽”任何想伤害你感情的人，或者与他们“解除好友关系”。可是，一旦有条恶意言论出其不意地攻击了你，它就真的会让你感到心烦意乱。那么我们如何才能毫发无伤地走出这些困境，甚至做到比以前更加自信呢？下面有几条建议。

The way we see others tends to be a reflection of how we see ourselves. In other words， if someone is bothered by you or even hating you （or vice versa）， that person is only bothered by what they cannot accept about themself. This makes it much easier to stand back9） and make compassions with those who are struggling to find something within themselves to love. Likewise， if someone consistently sees the good in others and in life， they are likely to be confident about who they are as a person and attract like-minded10） personalities11） into their sphere of influence.

1. validate [?v?l?de?t] vt. 证实；确证

2. fair share： 应得的（或应承担的）一份

3. block： 指在社交网站上屏蔽他人，不让对方看到自己的任何动态消息。

4. unfriend： 指在社交网站上与某人解除好友关系。

5. malicious [m??l???s] adj. 恶意的，恶毒的

6. blindside [?bla?ndsa?d] vt. 偷袭，出其不意地打击

7. shake up： 使不安；使心烦意乱

8. unscathed [?n?ske??d] adj. 未遭受伤害的；未受损伤的

9. stand back： 置身事外，退一步（考虑问题）

10. like-minded： 志趣相投的，想法相同的

11. personality [?p??s??n?l?ti] n. 个人

12. disarming [d?s?ɑ?m??] adj. 消除怒气的，宽慰人的

13. get even： 进行报复，算账

14. come out on top： 出人头地，获得成功

15. bug [b?ɡ] vt. 使厌烦；使恼怒

Avoid the temptation to fire back to a hater. Respond instead with a disarming12） approach. It will always make things worse to get even13） by firing back and you wont come out on top14）， even if you win （I speak from experience！）. If you must say something， then I find it extremely effective to say something totally disarming. For example， I once had someone comment on one of my music videos. They said， "Your nose bugs15） me." Not that big of a deal， but still， its not fun to have your face criticized.

I commented back and said something to the effect of16）： "I got my nose from my dad. I love it because it reminds me of him and what an amazing person he is."

On another occasion， I had a commenter criticize me for wearing what she deemed as "an immodest17） dress" in one of my music videos and publicly pointed the finger at me for being a bad example. I wrote back and said （paraphrasing）， "Whoever you are， wherever you are， I just want you to know that I love you no matter what decisions you make in your life."

She sent me a private apology shortly after that.

It doesnt take much to totally shift the energy of a negative comment into something positive. As a result， you will feel infinitely better too.

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我们看待别人的方式往往会反映出我们是如何看待自己的。换句话说，如果有人对你感到厌烦甚至对你心怀怨恨（反之亦然），那么那个人仅仅对其不能接受的关于自身的东西感到厌恶。如果能够这样想，那么置身事外就变得容易得多，也就更容易同情那些正竭力在自身寻找可爱之处的人。同样，如果有人不断发现他人身上和生活中美好的一面，那么他们很可能就会对自己的为人十分自信，从而吸引志趣相投的人到他们的圈子里。

避开诱惑，不去反击仇恨你的人。相反，要心平气和地做出回应。若是为了报复进行反击，永远只会使情况变得更加糟糕，即使你赢了，你也不会成为最后的赢家（我这样说是有亲身经历为依据的！）。如果你非要说些什么，那么我觉得说些能彻底消除敌意的话是非常奏效的。例如，有人曾经这样评价我的一个音乐视频，他们说：“你的鼻子让我觉得很烦！”虽然这没有什么大不了的，但是你的长相被人指摘也不是什么有趣的事情。于是我做了回复，大意是：“我的鼻子随我爸。我喜欢它，因为它让我想起了我爸，想起他是一个多么了不起的人。”

还有一次，有个评论者认为我在某个音乐视频里穿了“一件不合礼仪的裙子”，因而对此颇有微词，而且还公然指责我带了个坏头。我回复道（大致是这样）：“无论你是谁，无论你身在何处，我只是想让你知道我是爱你的，不管你在生活中会做出什么决定。”

在那之后不久，她私下向我道了歉。

没费太多事，负面评论的负能量就完全转化成正能量了。最终，你也会感觉好很多。

16. to the effect of： 大意是，意思是

17. immodest [??m?d?st] adj. 不端庄的，不合礼仪的

18. Alison Krauss： 艾莉森·克劳斯（1971～），当今美国蓝草音乐（Blue Grass）的领军者，已获得27座格莱美奖。

19. fuss over： 过分关心

20. report： 指在社交网站上举报某人。

21. bonus [?b??n?s] n. 额外的赠品（或好处）

22. vibration [va??bre??n] n. （感情上的）感应，共鸣

23. in ones wake： （= in the wake of sb.）在某人身后；随某人之后而来

Sometimes its easy to forget that theres a real person on the other side of the computer screen. We could all stand to be a little more generous with the positive comments we leave and a lot more cautious about the criticism we make. But when it comes to others leaving waves of negativity in their wake23）， remember that its not about you and it never was.

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In the words of Alison Krauss18）： "You say it best， when you say nothing at all." Ask yourself if its really worth it to spend any energy at all fussing over19） a hater. Most of the time， its not. So do what you have to do： "Block"， "Delete"， "Report20）"， and go on with your day. （Bonus21）： Send out a prayer， a wish or a good vibration22） for the one who tried to hurt you. Youll feel amazing. I promise.）

Teen Topics

青春话题·成长之惑

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用艾莉森·克劳斯的话说：“此时无声胜有声。”扪心自问，花费精力去对付一个恨你的人究竟是否真的值得。很多时候，这是不值得的。所以只管做你需要做的就好啦：“屏蔽”“删除”“举报”，继续过自己的日子。（附赠：为那些试图想伤害你的人祈祷、祝福或者说一句让他们有好感的话，我保证，你会感觉棒极了。）

有时，我们很容易忘记电脑屏幕的另一端坐着一个活生生的人。我们若能稍微大方些，多发点儿积极的留言，而在发出批评指责时小心谨慎些，那我们都能从中受益。但若是别人甩下滚滚恶评，请记住，这与你无关，从来都与你无关。