“优能中学杯”征文大赛获奖作文选登及点评（5）

董涵容++王晓芳

本刊2015年7月在创刊十周年之际发起的主题为“我和英语有个故事”的全国中学生英语征文大赛现已圆满落幕。本期我们继续选登一篇获奖作文及北京新东方学校优能中学老师的相应精彩点评，以飨大家。本次与大家分享的是此次征文大赛等奖的一篇获奖文章。

I never used to enjoy English. From my point of view， learning English is was the most boring thing in the world. If possible， I would try my best to avoid reading English. I only looked at the pictures in English books， not the essays in them. Every time my parents told me "You should practise speaking English out loud"， I always pretended that I didn't hear what they said.

With time goes As time went by， I fell behind other students. Even the basic grammar and words are were a big problem for me. Under the pressure of the College Entrance Examination， I was gradually aware of the importance of learning English. But I still told myself that I could get good grades and enter the university I dreamed∧of， even though my English was very bad.

However， one thing changed my mind.

Once， when I was taking a walk alone in the street， I saw a girl， who looked like an academic， working as a tour guide for foreigners. When she was introducing our hometown to a foreigner with in fluent English， a sense of confidence appeared on her face. When I compared myself to her， I felt embarrassed. I stood there silently， hearing their conversation and recalling my previous attitude towards English.

After getting home， I couldn't stop thinking. The girl's confident smile appeared in my mind. A sense of loss and sadness attacked my heart， which made me nearly couldn't breathe. I burst into crying tears， regarding myself as because I felt like a loser—the most stupid person in the world. Hearing me cry， my mother came and said something which had deep effect on me. She said， "No one can beat you except yourself. So the only thing you should do is try your best to beat the devil in your heart. Don't care what the ending will be. If you put your heart into it， you will succeed in one day. I do believe you can do it."

Now， I am different from what I used to be. Reading English in the morning is my basic task for me every day. And I have gradually realized that these "dull" words are interesting in fact. Although access to the final victory is difficult for me， I will never give up， because I will remember one sentence forever： The only one who can defeat you is yourself.

作者在这句话中用了used to do sth.这个句型，表示“过去常常做某事，过去习惯于做某事”。该句型有三种否定形式。在书面语中，used to do sth.的否定形式一般为never used to do sth.或者used not to do sth.，而在口语中，最常用的是didn't used to do sth.。这句话还可以换成肯定句，表述成：I used to hate English.

作者在这里摆脱了千篇一律的I think，而用了from my point of view来表达“我认为”。除此之外，我们还可以用I hold the idea that ...、I cling to the idea that ...、as far as I am concerned等短语来表示“我认为”。在建议类作文中阐述观点时经常会用到以上表达。

该句用了虚拟语气，if possible是省略句，可以还原为if it were possible。Try one's best to do sth.是初中基本短语，表示“尽力做某事”。此处我们可以进行升级，使用make every effort to do sth.、spare no effort to do sth.来替代。

本句中，look at有两个宾语，即pictures和essays。很明显，这里look at与essays搭配不太合适，可以换成read。此外，英语中表达“做……而不做……”时，可以使用instead of或rather than。因此这句话可以改为：I only looked at the pictures in English books， instead of/rather than reading the essays in them.

本句使用了伴随状语结构，值得肯定，但这里hear的使用有点问题。Hear表示“（无意中）听到”，假如作者想表达“无意中听到”的意思，那么这句话的逻辑就有问题了，可以改成：Hearing their conversation， I stood there silently， recalling my previous attitude towards English. 假如作者想要表达“认真听”的含义，那么应该使用listen to，将原句改为：I stood there silently， listening to their conversation and recalling my previous attitude towards English.

本句中既有伴随状语hearing sth.，又有which引导的非限制性定语从句，句子十分流畅，反映出了作者较为扎实的写作功底。需要注意的是，“对……有影响”正确的说法是have an effect on sth.。尽管原句漏掉了冠词，但该短语的使用仍旧凸显了作者丰富的词汇量和灵活驾驭语言的能力。

本句中的my basic task和for me都包含了“我”的意思，略有重复。同时此处basic的使用受到了汉语思维的影响，建议改为essential。Basic强调组成某事物最基础的、最根本的，而essential侧重于对某人、某事或某种活动等最重要的、最必不可少的。可以将此处的my basic task改为an essential task。

总评

从内容上来说，作者在这篇作文中阐述了自己因为一次经历而改变了对英语的态度，最后妈妈的一段话重新燃起了作者对英语学习的信心，字里行间都流露出了作者对于英语的热爱。英语对作者来说不仅仅是一门有趣的语言，还让作者重新找回了丢失的信心。“唯一能打败你的人只有你自己”，这是作者最深的感悟，也是英语带给作者的人生哲理。

从行文结构上来看，作文中故事的叙述十分流畅，前后连接紧密，丝丝入扣，而且还使用了夹叙夹议的写作方法，读来丝毫没有突兀之感。另外，作文的一开头就通过“过去不喜欢英语”这句话设置了悬念，吸引了读者的兴趣，然后又通过对故事的叙述进行了“剧情”的大反转，最后用一句话进行了升华，从而极大地引起读者的共鸣。

从语言上可以看出，作者对英语语法和词汇掌握得不错。定语从句、状语从句、分词结构、插入语结构等等穿插于文章之中。尽管有些表达还能看出汉语的影响，有点瑕疵，也存在些许语法上的问题，但总体来看作者的表现已经十分优秀了。

总的来说，这篇作文有故事，有感悟，有转折，有升华，是一篇立意明确、主旨积极向上、语言流畅丰富的好文。