One Moment I Treasure Most

编者按：目前，初高中英语教学中最令师生纠结的是写作。对学生而言，拿到一个题目之后，如何审题、谋篇、组段、连句、造句、用词？对教师而言，面对学生的作文，如何从宏观到微观对上述各层面表现出的问题加以有效指导？这些是大家期待解决的问题。鉴于此，我刊开设“英语写作”栏目，特邀浙江外国语学院赵伐教授主持，邀请中学英语名师共同点评学生的作文。本期刊登的是义乌某高三学生的作文，由赵教授点评。希望能给师生以实实在在的帮助！

We go through various things everyday， sweet and salty. But one memory still exist in my mind would never fade away.

It’s was five years ago， on a freezing cold morning， which can’t be more normal. But it truly changes me in a sense. As usual， I got up early to go to school. The wind is so chilly that my legs can’t help shaking. The street is empty but there is one old man sweeping with hot steam came from his mouth. Without noticing him I dropped my litter to the ground he just cleaned. Yes， I should acknowledge that I take it for granted that the dirt owns him. Then I walked away. Much to my surprise， the man dressed in orange blew slowly and caught the litter to the cabin. The action just shocked me.

He is such an old man， but still devotes to society. However， I am young. I came up an incredible thought. Everyone should be treated fairly， no matter whom we encounter， even a beggar.I thank the man earnestly. He leads me to a peaceful altitude to orange.

从题目看，这篇作文要求学生叙述自己最珍惜的“one moment”，并发表议论或感想，属记叙文。记叙文应有的时间、地点、人物和事件等成分，这篇作文都包含了。学生在叙述事件时，甚至还加上了场景的描写，把叙述渲染得更加生动，如a freezing cold morning，The wind was so chilly that my legs couldn’t help shaking，The street was empty等。该文第一段以“We go through various things everyday， but one thing still exists...”一句引出第二段的叙述，到第三段再有感而发，三个段落层次分明，从谋篇看应该说是不错的。第一段中“We go through ... everyday， but ...”这样的重要信息后置句型，是引出话题的一种最常见的写法。这种写法在初高中的英语教材和日常阅读材料中时常出现，比如：

（1）Many would agree that when we think of Christmas， we probably think of gifts， Christmas trees and Santa Claus. But behind all these things lies the true meaning of Christmas： the importance of sharing and giving love and joy to people around us. （人教版初中英语第9册第二单元）

（2）I had many exciting moments in West Lake last Sunday， but of all the wonderful moments I had， my favorite was ..

从造句和用词看，该文也有值得肯定的地方，如比较恰当地使用了一些特殊句型和常用词组，包括couldn’t be more normal， so .. that ..， much to my surprise， go through various things， never fade away， couldn’t help shaking， take it for granted， in a sense， as usual等。

不过，这篇作文也存在三方面的问题。第一，第二段的时态不一致。既然是叙述5年前一个早晨发生的事，那就应该用过去时态。而这一段有的句子使用了过去时态，有的却用一般现在时态。第二，用词不当。如normal（normal多用指人，如a normal person，应改为ordinary或common）;hot steam（hot steam的意思是“滚烫的蒸汽”，应改为hot breath）;dirt（dirt多指“污泥、排泄物”，应改为rubbish或litter）;action（这个词太大，应改为that或what he did）;cabin（应改为dustbin）;altitude（应改为attitude）。第三，母语负迁移现象突出，多处出现我们常说的按照汉语思维和表达方式造出来的中式英语句子，如We go though various things everyday， sweet and salty. But one memory still exist in my mind would never fade away（中国学生常用“we”来代替“I”，用“we”的经历来指“I”的经历，与后一句的one memory still exists in my mind其实是没有关系的）;the dirt owns him（这句话的原意可能是“垃圾就该他扫”，但这样表达不对）;the man dressed in orange blew

slowly and caught the litter to the cabin（blew slowly的原意可能是“呼吸艰难”;caught the litter to the cabin的原意可能是“捡起垃圾扔进垃圾桶”，但这两处表达都有明显的汉语味）; He is such an old man， but still devotes to society. However， I am young（在I am young和He is such an old man之间其实不存在任何转折关系;devotes to society也是汉语式表达）; He leads me to a peaceful altitude to orange（这句话的原意可能是“他让我对清洁工的态度发生了改变”，但把attitude写成了altitude， 用orange作为换喻来指代清洁工，这样的修辞让人难以领会，leads me to a peaceful altitude也让人费解）。

I have been through various things， dull or interesting. But there is one thing in my mind that never fades away.

It was on a freezing cold morning five years ago. The moment couldn’t be more ordinary， but it truly changed me in a sense. As usual， I got up early to go to school. It was so chilly that my legs couldn’t help shaking in the icy wind. The street was empty but there was one old man sweeping busily， with hot breath puffing from his mouth. Without noticing him I littered where he just swept. I admit that I took it for granted that sweeping was his job. Then I walked away. Much to my surprise， the man dressed in orange took a difficult breath， picked up the litter and threw it into the dustbin. What he did gave me a deep thought.

He was such an old man， but still worked hard to keep our city clean. I realize that everyone deserves respect for what he does for our society， no matter who he is， an important person or a street cleaner. I should thank the man. He has taught me how to respect others.

（点评：赵伐|浙江外国语学院）