短文写作得分术

王红霞 袁黎 胡同梅

对于即将参加高考的同学，再短期内提高短文写作的水平至关重要。想要提高自己书面表达的分数，就要针对高考的命题特点进行有效的训练。湖北卷“短文写作”要求考生根据英文提示，结合一个具体事例，写一篇话题作文。针对这一命题特点，在写作时要注意以下几点：

定主题。首先要读懂“提示语”，锁定写作“话题”。以免跑题或偏题。

列大纲。确定每段要写的主题句，做到心中有数。

定时态。针对每段不同的特点，选用不同的时态。

写美文。在行文的过程中，注意长短句的结合，过渡词语和高级词汇的使用。

细检查。仔细检查全文看是否有错，尽量避免低级错误。

下面以我们训练的一篇短文为例来进行讲解。

请根据以下提示，并结合你生活中的一个事例，用英语写一篇短文。

A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears.

注意：①无须写标题;

②除诗歌外，文体不限;

③内容必须结合你生活中的一个事例;

④文中不得透露个人姓名和学校名称;

⑤词数不少于120词，如引用提示语则不计入总词数。

提示  这篇短文的落脚点应该是勇于面对任何困难，不要逃避。写这种半开放式的作文，比较保险的写法是三段式：第一段提出观点，一般用现在时态;第二段讲述一个故事来说明论点，多用过去时态;第三段回应开头，升华主题，通常使用现在时态。

我们先来看看两篇习作：

It is universally acknowledged that life is like a road， which is filled with ups and downs. Sometimes we will fear suffering， but on the contrary， what we fear are more likely to happen. So the key to it is to face it with courage.

When it comes to that， I can still well remember that ①there was a time when I was seven years old， I was asked to learn to ride a bike. Before that， ②I never get in touch with it and wasnt familiar with it as well. Owing to my fear， I couldnt learn it well after  long time. Later， It was what my father told me that fear was of no use ③that woke me up. What I should do was to face it bravely. Following the advice， I became more confident regardless what was in store for me. As a consequence， I succeed.

④In my opinion， we cant know what will happen to us. But it is no use fearing it. Only by facing life with courage can we make a difference.

点评  这篇属于第五档作文，得分为26分。这位同学在第一段能用短短几句阐明观点，同时灵活运用各种句式，如主语从句和定语从句。而on the contrary， to face it with courage等短语的使用又增加了文章的亮点。第二段清楚地叙述了一个故事，但举例缺乏新意。

这位同学在叙述中有意使用了多种句式。但第①处的there was a time when用得不贴切。这里可以直接用when引导的时间状语从句，从句时态用过去完成时。第③处使用了强调句。主语从句和宾语从句，但为了追求复杂的句子结构反而出了错。这里应该把that fear was of no use去掉。第②处和第④处时态不对。第②处应用过去完成时had never got更好，第④处可以用过去时或现在完成时。第三段用三句话升华主题：Only by facing it with courage can we make a difference. 倒装句用得恰到好处。

Life is always full of ups and downs. We always get into trouble and meet what we fear. However， sometimes fearness can beat us and gives us much more puzzles. ①Thus， what we should do is to overcome the fear and fight against the sufferings rather than give in the fearness.

②Here is a typical example concerning my own experience. I still remember the time when I learned how to swim. At first， I couldnt swim without the help of others and I was afraid of going to the pool where the water was deep. Besides， I only could stay at the bank of the pool. When my father saw me， he wanted me to swim alone. So he told me to hold my breath in the water and I followed his advice. But in the water， I felt terrified and couldnt breathe at all. Suddenly， I was out of control and become more and more afraid. ③On that condition， my father helped me and encouraged me to overcome the fearness. In this case， I made up my mind and forgot my feaness. To my surprise，④I should make it and be able to swim.

When you are in trouble， dont be afraid. ⑤Try to beat what you fear and youll make it.

点评  这篇属于四档作文，得分为20分。这位同学能够结合事例，比较清楚地表达自己的观点，但是句式和语言都不够丰富。

1. 第①句中短语用法有误，且错误地将fear名词写成了fearness，应该是give in to the fear。fight against the sufferings有误，根据英文提示语此处应改为fight against the fear。综上，把这一部分改为fight against the fear rather than give in to it更好。

2. 第②处作者较好地使用了倒装句和非谓语动词。话题引入自然。

3. 第③处，on that condition使用不当，改为at that moment更为贴切。而且为了句式的丰富建议将这句话改为强调句it was at that moment that my father helped me。

4. 第④处I should make it应改为I should have made it. 这里的意思是“我那时候竟然做到了”。对过去某次行为感到惊讶应为should have done，对现在或一般情况的意外才用should do。

5. 第⑤处也是本文的一个闪光点，不仅恰如其分地点了题，而且很有气势。

尽管看起来本文的缺点似乎多于优点，但是因为写作的目的就是在于用能够被人理解的话语来传递作者的思想。这篇习作很好地完成了题目的要求，且所举实例也很恰当，由此我们可以判断这篇习作较好地完成了写作任务。但因为句式变化不多，也没有出现较为高级的词汇和句型，所以得分只能是第四档中稍低一点的分数。

Life cant be perfect， as suffering is always an unavoidable part of it.

Once upon a time， I was a shy girl and feared mistakes especially in public. At the beginning of my English class， I always kept silent to avoid being laughed at for any mistake， while some “shameless” girls could never be quiet in the class. I sometimes even felt shameful for them. However， with time going by， my English was going from bad to worse， while theirs better and better. When my class master realized this， he came to my assistance and told me， “A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears. Be brave！” From then on， I began to open my mouth and open my heart to people around me. Believe it or not， my English improved！

Maybe we really need to change our attitude： when you fear， you are already suffering！ So why not be brave and choose to face it！ Surely， you will harvest more！