习作赏析：Sympathy

徐鸿鸣

文体分析

根据提示“结合事例，用英语写一篇短文”，下文英语提示语中提出了要写作的话题“sympathy（同情）”，并说明了同情在社会生活中尤其是人与人相处之间的的重要作用，这是一种非常明确的观点，要求结合事例阐明这种观点的正确性。这一提示说明了该篇文章的文体是一篇典型的议论文。

写作要点

通常议论文应遵循“三段论”原则，即点题→论据→结论。写作时应遵循以下基本原则：

1. 开门见山点题。第一段是主题段，必须一开始就以一两句简单且精炼的文字表明主题，不宜太长。如果所给说明已经详细点明了主题，也可直奔主题，而省去开头段落。

2. 简明扼要叙事。试题要求结合具体事例进行描述，在描述时，注意要具体、真实、生动，避免大而空或虚而泛，因此最好是自己亲身经历或最熟悉的身边的人或事。事例不要多而杂，一个典型的即可。记叙事例时要写出具体过程、前因后果，过程合乎逻辑，但又不宜太长、太细，要能说明文章主题和自己的观点，不能脱离主题随意发挥。

3. 画龙点睛收尾。结尾是对文章的一种归纳和总结，要求语言精炼，真正能够起到“点睛”的作用。语句要浓缩要点，一锤定音，并首尾呼应，这样全文才能显得浑然一体。

Sympathy is to humans what water is to fish. Express our sympathy and the world will be better.

When it comes to this， my memory goes back to the winter last year（改作last winter）. So cold was it that there was almost no one in the street. The cold wind blew widely and I couldnt help trembling. Suddenly， a man caught my eye. He was on a wheelchair and could hardly move， hopeless and tired. On seeing this， I felt as if my heart were broken. Without a second thought（可以删除）， I ran to him and asked whether I could give him a hand（改为whether he needed some help）. He smiled to me and chatted with me.（改为He smiled and asked me if I could assist him find the way to the hospital.）I said， “with pleasure.” Having done this， I felt happier and warmer. Two days later， I received a gift， attached to which was a colorful card， reading “Thanks for your help. Had it not been for your golden heart， I wouldnt have made it.” It was his words that left a deep impression on me， thus making me realize the importance of sympathy.（改作His words made me realize the importance of sympathy.）

Express sympathy for whoever unlucky. Only by doing this can we make the world better.

Expressing sympathy for the persons who are unlucky is a virtue deeply rooted in our heart.

Three years ago， my aunt and uncle broke up without signs（改成any sign语气更强）. Never can（应为could） I imagine how life would be（加上like） in a broken family. Knowing my cousin in deep sorrow， I decided to live with her for a few days.（此句冗余，可删除） In order to cheer her up， I told jokes to her every day. Also， I told her some stories of great men（改作people） who struggled to live. Moreover， I told her that under no circumstance（应为复数） would I leave her. As time went by， a smile was wore（改作worn） on her face again. What moved me a lot was that she said but for my sympathy， she couldnt be（改成couldnt have been） back on her feet so quickly.

I always hold to the belief that we can put our hands on the arc of history and bend it towards the hope of a better day as long as everyone express sympathy for the unlucky persons.（换成everyone can show love to each other）

What is known to us is that not everyone is lucky. Only if we express sympathy for the persons who are unlucky can we make a better world.

I remember a character named 1900 in a film. He was a person who was lost（换成deserted） by his parents. Not having parents（换成Without parents）， he always got bullied by others. Surrounded with laughter， he just wanted to die. It was a person whose name was Max that changed his life. Max showed deep sympathy for 1900. His sympathy gave 1900 the courage to live and try to achieve his life goal. Not only had Maxs sympathy changed（改成did... change） 1900s world but it（可去掉） changed his own.

I firmly believe that as long as we express sympathy for the unlucky people， we are bound to make a better world which is more beautiful than you had（改成have） expected.