找个不读书的女孩约会吧

2014-09-12

新东方英语 2014年9期

Date a girl who doesnt read. Find her in the weary squalor1） of a Midwestern bar. Find her in the smoke， drunken sweat， and varicolored2） light of an upscale3） nightclub. Wherever you find her， find her smiling. Make sure that it lingers when the people that are talking to her look away. Engage her with unsentimental trivialities. Use pick-up lines4） and laugh inwardly. Take her outside when the night overstays its welcome5）. Ignore the palpable6） weight of fatigue. Kiss her in the rain under the weak glow of a streetlamp because youve seen it in film. Remark at its lack of significance.

Find shared interests and common ground7） like sushi， and folk music. Build an impenetrable bastion8） upon that ground. Make it sacred. Retreat into it every time the air gets stale9）， or the evenings get long. Talk about nothing of significance. Do little thinking. Let the months pass unnoticed. Ask her to move in. Let her decorate. Get into fights about inconsequential things like how the fucking shower curtain needs to be closed so that it doesnt fucking collect mold. Let a year pass unnoticed. Begin to notice.

Figure that you should probably get married because you will have wasted a lot of time otherwise. Take her to dinner on the forty-fifth floor at a restaurant far beyond your means10）. Make sure there is a beautiful view of the city. Sheepishly11） ask a waiter to bring her a glass of champagne with a modest ring in it. When she notices， propose to her with all of the enthusiasm and sincerity you can muster12）. Do not be overly concerned if you feel your heart leap through a pane of sheet glass. For that matter， do not be overly concerned if you cannot feel it at all. If there is applause， let it stagnate13）. If she cries， smile as if youve never been happier. If she doesnt， smile all the same.

Let the years pass unnoticed. Get a career， not a job. Buy a house. Have two striking children. Try to raise them well. Fail， frequently. Lapse into14） a bored indifference. Lapse into an indifferent sadness. Have a mid-life crisis. Grow old. Wonder at your lack of achievement. Feel sometimes contented， but mostly vacant and ethereal15）. Feel， during walks， as if you might never return， or as if you might blow away on the wind. Contract16） a terminal illness17）. Die， but only after you observe that the girl who didnt read never made your heart oscillate18） with any significant passion， that no one will write the story of your lives， and that she will die， too， with only a mild and tempered regret that nothing ever came of her capacity to love.

Do those things， god damnit， because nothing sucks worse than a girl who reads. Do it， I say， because a life in purgatory19） is better than a life in hell. Do it， because a girl who reads possesses a vocabulary that can describe that amorphous20） discontent as a life unfulfilled—a vocabulary that parses21） the innate beauty of the world and makes it an accessible necessity instead of an alien wonder. A girl who reads lays claim to a vocabulary that distinguishes between the specious22） and soulless rhetoric of someone who cannot love her， and the inarticulate23） desperation of someone who loves her too much. A vocabulary， God damnit， that makes my vacuous24） sophistry25） a cheap trick.

Do it， because a girl who reads understands syntax. Literature has taught her that moments of tenderness come in sporadic26） but knowable intervals. A girl who reads knows that life is not planar27）； she knows， and rightly demands， that the ebb comes along with the flow of disappointment. A girl who has read up on her syntax senses the irregular pauses—the hesitation of breath—endemic28） to a lie. A girl who reads perceives the difference between a parenthetical29） moment of anger and the entrenched habits of someone whose bitter cynicism will run on， run on well past any point of reason， or purpose， run on far after she has packed a suitcase and said a reluctant goodbye and she has decided that I am an ellipsis and not a period and run on and run on. Syntax that knows the rhythm and cadence30） of a life well lived.

Date a girl who doesnt read because the girl who reads knows the importance of plot. She can trace out the demarcations31） of a prologue32） and the sharp ridges of a climax. She feels them in her skin. The girl who reads will be patient with an intermission and expedite33） a denouement34）. But of all things， the girl who reads knows most the ineluctable35） significance of an end. She is comfortable with them. She has bid farewell to a thousand heroes with only a twinge of sadness36）.

Dont date a girl who reads because girls who read are the storytellers. You with the Joyce， you with the Nabokov， you with the Woolf. You there in the library， on the platform of the metro， you in the corner of the café， you in the window of your room. You， who make my life so god damned difficult. The girl who reads has spun out37） the account of her life and it is bursting with meaning. She insists that her narratives are rich， her supporting cast colorful， and her typeface bold. You， the girl who reads， make me want to be everything that I am not. But I am weak and I will fail you， because you have dreamed， properly， of someone who is better than I am. You will not accept the life that I told of at the beginning of this piece. You will accept nothing less than passion， and perfection， and a life worthy of being storied. So out with you， girl who reads. Take the next southbound train and take your Hemingway with you. I hate you. I really， really， really hate you.

找个不读书的女孩约会吧。你可以在中西部那环境污浊、沉闷的酒吧里找到她。也可以在混合着烟味、汗味和醺醺酒味的灯红酒绿的高档夜总会里找到她。无论在哪里找到她，你都能看到她笑意盈盈。一定要确保，当和她交谈的人目光移到别处时，她也笑意犹存。和她聊聊那些无关感情的琐事。拿几句泡妞的台词勾引她，然后你就在心里偷着乐吧。午夜时分，趁着人人意兴阑珊之时，就可以带她出去了。此时再困再累也要打起精神。在昏暗的路灯下，在雨中，尽情地吻她吧，因为电影里的情节就是这样的。完了还要强调一句你这样做没别的意思。

找到你们相同的爱好和共同点，比如寿司啊，民谣啊什么的。在此基础上，打造一座坚不可摧的堡垒，并使其神圣不可侵犯。每当空气污浊或者夜晚漫长难挨之时，就躲到堡垒里去吧。不要谈什么人生大义。不要多想什么。让这几个月的时光悄悄溜走。请她搬来同住。让她装饰房间。为一点鸡毛蒜皮的小事大打出手，比如该死的浴帘该怎么拉上才不会长那该死的霉。就让一年的时光在不知不觉间溜走。这时你才开始留意。

你想也许你该结婚了，因为不结婚的话你会浪费许多的时间。带她去吃饭吧，去一家豪华饭店的45楼，虽然那里远远超出你的消费能力。一定要确保从那能看到全市的美景。然后扭扭捏捏地请侍者给她端上一杯香槟酒，酒里放一枚不算昂贵的戒指。她一看到戒指就向她求婚吧，调动你所有的激情和真诚。哪怕你感到你的心就要穿过一块窗格玻璃飞出去了，也不要过于担心。话说回来，即使你都没有感觉到心跳，也不要过于担心。这时如果有掌声，就等待掌声停止。如果她哭起来，你就面带微笑，似乎从未如此开心。如果她没有哭，也要保持微笑。

就让岁月在不知不觉间流逝。打造自己的事业，而不仅仅是从事一份工作。买栋房子。生两个讨人喜欢的孩子。努力抚育好他们。常常失败。逐渐进入乏味的冷漠期。冷漠得令人感伤。接着是中年危机。然后渐渐变老。开始疑惑自己为什么毫无建树。有时也觉得满足，但大多数时候还是感到空虚、茫然。散步时，觉得自己也许永远都回不去了，或者一阵风就能把自己吹走。这时染上了绝症。弥留之际，你意识到那个不读书的女孩从来没有让你激情难耐、心旌摇曳过，意识到没有人会撰写你的人生故事，意识到她也会死去，并且死时还会感到些许轻微的遗憾，那就是她还从未将自己爱的潜能发挥出来。

找个不读书的女孩吧。该死的！因为再也没有比读书的女孩更令人讨厌的了。哎，找个不读书的女孩吧，因为短暂的炼狱人生总比长久的地狱生涯要好得多。找个不读书的女孩吧，因为喜欢读书的女孩都拥有庞大的词汇量，善于将种种说不清道不明的不满描述成没有成就感的人生——将世界固有的美剖析得头头是道，使之成为人人都可获得的必需品，而不是神秘陌生的奇迹。读书的女孩自称掌握的词汇足以区分哪些人对她花言巧语却言不由衷、对她没有真爱，哪些人笨嘴拙舌却不顾一切、对她爱得强烈。真该死，这样的词汇量让我的花言巧语变得浅薄空洞、不值一哂。

找个不读书的女孩吧，因为读书的女孩懂得句法的排列组合。文学使她明白，柔情时刻的来临是偶发性的，但也是可以知晓的片刻。读书的女孩明白人生并不是一个二维平面；她明白，一连串的失望之后，随之而来的必定是爱的衰落，这同时也是她提出的合理要求。一个熟知句法规则的女孩能够感受到不规则的语句停顿——说话换气过程中的犹豫不决——她知道这是谎言的特征。读书的女孩能够觉察出一些细微的区别，比如一个人的愤怒是临时性的，还是出于根深蒂固的恶习——如果是后者，他那强烈的愤世嫉俗的情绪将会一直延续下去，无休无止，不可理喻，没有目标，哪怕她提起行李箱、极不情愿地说再见，他也不会就此罢休；她由此得出结论：我是个省略号，而不是句号，我会没完没了，没完没了。掌握了句法，就能洞悉美好人生的节奏和韵律。

找个不读书的女孩约会吧，因为读书的女孩懂得情节的重要性。她能够看出故事从哪里开始，哪里是急剧突起的高潮。她对此了如指掌。读书的女孩能够心平气和地对待幕间休息，也能促使大结局的到来。但最重要的是，读书的女孩明白结局的重要性不言而喻。她能够坦然接受。她早已和数以千计的男主人公挥手再见，心里也只会感到一阵的伤感而已。

不要找读书的女孩约会，因为读书的女孩善于讲故事。她们一会儿读乔伊斯，一会儿读纳博科夫，一会儿读伍尔芙。时而在图书馆里，时而在地铁站台上，时而在咖啡厅的角落里，时而在房间的窗户旁。是你们让我的日子变得那么难过！读书的女孩已经写好自己长长的人生故事，每一页都蕴涵丰富，意味深长。她坚信自己的故事丰富多彩，配角演员阵容庞大，坚持使用粗黑字体。你这个喜欢读书的女孩，总是使我想去做我力所不能的事。但我就是一个弱者，我会让你失望，因为你梦想中的男人比我强，当然这也无可厚非。你不会接受我在本文开头所描述的那种人生。你能接受的只有激情、完美和一个值得写成故事的人生。所以，滚开吧，读书的女孩。带上你的海明威，乘坐下一班南下的火车。我恨你，我是真的真的真的恨死你！

1. squalor [?skw?l?（r）] n. 肮脏，邋遢

2. varicolored [?ve?r??k?l?（r）d] adj. 杂色的，五颜六色的

3. upscale [??p?ske?l] adj. 高消费阶层的，高档的

4. pick-up line：用于搭讪的俏皮话，花言巧语

5. overstay ones welcome：因停留时间太久而不再受欢迎

6. palpable [?p?lp?b（?）l] adj. 明显的，显而易见的

7. common ground：共同点

8. bastion [?b?sti?n] n. 堡垒（指固守一种生活方式、准则等的事物），精神支柱

9. stale [ste?l] adj. （空气）不新鲜的，污浊的

10. beyond ones means：超过某人的支付能力

11. sheepishly [??i?p??li] adv. 羞怯地，困窘地

12. muster [?m?st?（r）] vt. 聚集，集拢