留学文书写作方法之摆事实

谷约

《史蒂夫·乔布斯传》（Steve Jobs： A Biography）的序言里有这样一段话：

我认识他是在1984年，当时他来曼哈顿的时代-生活大厦（Time-Life Building）与编辑们共进午餐，顺带夸耀他的麦金塔电脑（Macintosh）。那个时候他的脾气就不太好，他攻击《时代》杂志的一名记者，因为对方报道的一个故事暴露了太多事实而让他觉得受到了伤害。但后来，通过与他的对话，我发现自己被他的强烈情感所吸引，就如同其他很多人多年来受到的吸引一样。自那以后，我们就一直保持联系，即便在他被迫离开苹果公司时也未中断。当他需要推销某样产品时，比如一台NeXT电脑或者一部皮克斯（Pixar）出品的电影，他的个人魅力就会突然间再次聚焦到我的身上，他会带我去曼哈顿下城的一家寿司餐厅，告诉我他正在兜售的东西是他制造出的最棒的产品。我喜欢这个家伙。

其实，作者通过这段话想说的是“我喜欢这个家伙”，但是他并不只是简单地说出这个结论，而是罗列出若干事实或具体事例来展现乔布斯的可爱、直率，甚至暴躁，这些事例汇聚在一起就构成了乔布斯独特的个人魅力，从而使“我喜欢这个家伙”的结论显得顺理成章。笔者将这种写作方法称为摆事实。摆事实是留学文书Essay （短文）写作中经常要用到的写作方法之一。简单地说，摆事实就是我们在说一个人好时，不能只简单说一句“他真是个好人”，而要把他做过的好事一件件写出来，通过具体的事例让人知道他是如何好。

方法分析

在简单了解何为摆事实的写作方法之后，下面笔者主要谈谈在Essay写作中如何运用这种方法。

第一，要实事求是。Essay的内容要真实可信，申请者不能为了追求效果而夸大其词，比如，所举事例要与申请者的身份相符。有位中学生在Essay中提到自己乐于助人，帮助他人就业。这样的例子稍稍想一下就知道不真实，因为帮人解决就业问题显然超出了中学生的能力范围。还有位中学生在Essay中提到了自己去参加实习的经历，他写道“在实习中负责协助业务经理处理日常邮件，跟踪订单，参与客户商谈”。他列举的这些经历也经不起推敲，不要说他只是一位中学生，就算是研究生，在实习阶段也未必能有这样的实习机会。所以，在写Essay时，申请者首先要问一下自己：“这事儿我信吗？”如果连你自己都不相信，就别指望招生官相信。

第二，要注重细节。既然是写一件事情，那么内容就应该包括最基本的5W1H要素（when、where、what、who、why、how），否则很难把一件事情（特别简单的除外）讲清楚。在此基础之上，申请者再辅以更为具体和必要的细节，文章就会丰满起来，人物也会变得更立体。很多学生写的Essay很空泛，真实的事情写出来却像假的一样。还有的学生不知道应该如何提供细节，文章看似面面俱到，但实则外强中干，读来如同嚼蜡。例如，有学生写自己帮助爷爷干农活的事，他这样写道：“I live with parents in the city， but my grandparents still live a simple farming life in the countryside. In the fall， a harvest and seeding season， my grandparents asked me to lend a hand. Out on the field the first time， I was eager but clueless. My grandfather asked me to sow the seeds of winter wheat while he fertilized the soil with some “special fertilizer”—chicken and cow manure. I looked at Grandpa. Eighty years old， with a wrinkled face， he bent like a bow， working meticulously. I followed his footsteps trying to imitate him. Next came plowing， sowing and weeding. I gradually got used to manual labor and was glad that I learned some farming skills.”原稿最大的问题在于，有些地方描写太过抽象，缺乏细节描写。按照摆事实的写作方法，我们对上文划线部分做如下修改：“But when I began working， I breathed deeply and what came at me was the most disgusting thing I had ever experienced！ I turned around and found my grandfather was carrying a basket filled to the brim with chicken and cow manure. He was scattering them about with his hands， and I screamed in horror. My grandfather smiled and said to me： ‘That which stinks is the root of the delicious wheat. I was dumbfounded.”在修改稿中，我们补充了具体、形象的细节，从“我”闻到肥料时的反应到对肥料桶的描写，再到对爷爷的回应，不管是事件还是人物，一下子都鲜活了起来。

第三，切忌浮夸。既然是摆事实，那就要用事实说话，不要在语言上进行过多不必要的雕琢或粉饰。真实的事件本身就蕴含着一种打动人心的力量，这种力量不需要通过华丽的词藻来表现。比如，上文所举的例文中提到“My grandfather smiled and said to me”，这句话里只用一个简单词汇smile就把爷爷亲切的形象表现了出来。有些同学却喜欢把自己说成a person who is dedicated to helping the poor、an angel或a knight，这样的描写效果会大打折扣。

实例讲解

下面我们通过对一篇Essay例文的分析，在实战中了解如何运用摆事实的写作方法。

原稿： My Knightly Life

My family has a proud tradition of rewarding the good and punishing the wrong. As the general manager in a state-owned enterprise， my grandpa has spent his life helping employees to live more prosperous lives. My father is the President of the XXX Bank in Qinghai Province， one of the poorest in China. He devotes himself to helping lift poor families out of poverty. God knows what I am going to do in the future， but I hope I can influence others in an equally positive way.

During high school， I met several “backward students” who often skipped classes. We were all fond of playing basketball. My teacher started worrying because I was now hanging out with “bandits.” Rumors spread. The teacher summoned my father to school and reported my “devastating and crucial changes.” Fortunately， my dad and I had a man-to-man conversation. I told him how these kids often played basketball and chatted about their experiences outside school. For example， Hanyang often worked and carried things on his motorbike for his father， and Futao bought a mobile phone for his mother. Moreover， they could not choose their current lives； they were not born in families full of love or money. In the end， my father and I decided we would help them one-by-one. Yangli asked， “What can we do？ We dont have any degree or skill.” I said， “My father works in the bank. Can you count？ Can you keep records？” He asked， “Do they require any degree？” I said， “No， the only requirement is working hard. Its better than sitting idle.” They took my advice and worked on the service staff in the bank.

After a few months， Hanyang said， “I have a long way to go before becoming a formal employee.” He plucked up his courage to go back to high school and then entered Beijing Information Science and Technology University.

Trust me！ This isnt a fairytale. What I said is true. After I entered senior high school， everyone pursued their own goals. Gaoyun went to the military academy； Zhaochi went to XXX University to study oil painting； Futao is now a project manager in the bank and earns 8000 RMB per month. Chuanmin majored in medicine and works in the radiology department at XXX Union Medical College Hospital， and Zhaohan went to the forestry bureau. Lilei didnt find a job fitting his major， but went to the Traffic Police Brigade.

Dad told me how， owing to my insistence， he had the chance to affect these peoples lives. They had become inspiring stories， instead of the opposite.

I am happy and proud to walk on my own path， even though I may be misunderstood and suspected by the others. I will insist on treating every one with a fair attitude， and lending them a hand when they need.

点评：这篇文章的问题比较大。首先，第一段谈到父亲做好人好事时，并没有举出具体事例，划线部分的表达都显得比较浮夸，第二段划线部分也是缺乏细节描写，没有交代清楚前后关系。其次，在举自己和父亲帮助同学的具体事例时，最后帮助的结果不能令人信服。倒数第三段划线部分所列出的都是“坏学生”们后来的出色表现，但这很难证明都是作者和父亲帮助的结果。再次，作者写帮助他人就业这样的例子也难让人信服。针对以上问题，我们做如下修改。

修改稿：I consider myself a basketball buff. I watch quite a lot of American NBA basketball and CBA， the Chinese version of NBA， on TV. Not only do I watch the games， I spend much of my leisure time playing on the court too. Then came the final year of my middle school. All of my regular teammates stopped showing up on the court because they were simply too busy preparing for high school qualifying exam to play. I was， of course， under much pressure myself， like everyone else. A good exam result meant a good high school； a mediocre score meant a mediocre school to match. Much was at stake. However， I loved basketball so much I still found time to play， this time with a bunch of guys who were not as interested in academics and who were said to have skipped classes before.

Some of my teachers started worrying about me. They summoned my father to school to let him know that I was hanging out with problem kids. When my father returned home that day， he wanted to talk to me. Knowing the purpose of his visit to the school， I half expected him to lash out at me for befriending those bad guys. To my surprise， he was not angry at me at all. He wanted to hear my side of the story. So， I told him about what I knew of Hanyang and Futao， and a couple of others. Hanyangs parents were divorced， that I knew； Futaos father had lost his job； one guy was considering quitting school to earn money to support his ailing parents. They all seemed to me to be normal kids， except that they were poor； some were desperately poor. My father thought for a moment， then proceeded to say that he was okay with me playing basketball with them and that he and I should think of ways to help these kids.

In the days and weeks that followed， my dad and I did come up with a plan. We suggested some different part-time jobs to Hanyang and Futao， which they accepted and we paid the medical bills for the other. I count my blessings often： my father is a successful， albeit very busy man； he allows me to make judgment calls and trusts that I will make them to the best of my ability； he is a generous person who cares deeply about those who are less fortunate.

My basketball friends and I have moved on to different places， but we still keep in touch. I know Futao is now a fulltime project manager of a local bank： the same bank my dad and I got him a part-time position in； Hanyang is currently a freshman at XXX Information Science and Technology University. Sadly， it is now next to impossible to get together to play basketball again， but whenever we get on the phone we talk about it all the time.

点评：原稿中作者为了表扬自己不惜夸大其词，修改稿中我们把难以令人信服的赞美之词去掉，剩下一个真实可信的故事。由于作者的父亲比较有实力也有能力去帮助贫困学生，所以修改稿中我们把“功劳”归功于父亲，即便这样，我们也没有夸大作者父亲的作为。这从一个侧面反映了作者本人的低调和谦虚。