弗瑞德的现代成人礼仪式

It all started with a box set of Roots we had picked up at a car-boot sale. I watched the first episode with my son and he seemed quite taken with the part where the young Kunta Kinte goes off into the forest with a dozen other adolescent boys for “manhood training”—specific tests of strength， bravery and hunting skills—culminating in an eye-watering circumcision with a two-pronged knife.

Why not set him a 21st-century， Western（pain-free） equivalent， I thought. Fred was just a few weeks away from his 13th birthday， which seemed like an important turning point. He was eager for more freedom and independence， pushing to go to bed later， have more pocket money， not have a babysitter， cycle to random far-off places and go to football matches without an adult. But did he have the maturity and worldliness to be granted these things？ Lets put him to the test， I thought. Now seemed the perfect time to make sure he had the skills needed for a more grown-up life.

However to get him fully on board， I knew I would have to invent a rite of passage that would appeal to a modern 13-year-old who already had his boxers permanently on show. After all， this was a boy who hated sustained effort and shied away from any kind of system or daily ritual.

To engage and motivate him， I decided to put a sort of life-as-a-game spin on the whole thing. There would be 13 challenges covering 13 different areas of life， and each challenge would arbitrarily contain the number 13 in some way if possible. I even bought 13 brightly coloured envelopes in which to present the tasks to him， one by one.

Challenge one： Get on a train on your own. Get off at the 13th stop. Go to a sit-down cafe or restaurant. Order the 13th item on the menu. Then buy yourself a whole outfit with ￡13.13.

I am not， of course， randomly releasing him into the wild. I have secretly micromanaged the whole thing. We are going to put him on a train at a particular rural station and after two hours， he will end up in Hereford—a city he has never visited. I buy him a ticket and order him not to look at the destination. I am feeling quite uneasy， but as the train pulls away， I smile and think of Kunta Kintes mothers words when her son is taken from the village： “A boy has just left， a man will return.”

Fred does not know， but we are driving to Hereford to collect him. When we eventually meet up， he tells us he loved the solo train journey and the shopping， but was very uncomfortable with the lunch element at first. “Its a bit weird， isnt it？ A kid on his own sitting in a cafe？”

Challenge two makes him groan： 13 household tasks， from ironing to paying a bill to defrosting the freezer. “Blimey， thatll take me all day，” he says， looking at the list.

Nevertheless he starts off enthusiastically with the first job of mowing the lawn， claiming he is going to make football pitch stripes. Minutes later， he pops back into the house to say he has remembered that he needs to hang out the washing. “Id better do it now cause it looks like it might rain later.” Brilliant. Thinking like a housewife already.

Challenge three really hits his weak points： learn， practise and perform a 13-bar blues piece on the piano in public. Fred had a few months of piano lessons， but gave up. His dad has tried to teach him a bit， too， but that never ends well. But he is happy to write down the notes from a YouTube pop video and have a go on his own.

The idea of regular， repetitive practice， however， goes against every bone in his body. He even lies some days and tells us he practised while we were out. It is only when we arrive at the event， an open-mic night with a proper stage and an audience of 60 or 70 that his nerves kick in. He babbles and becomes fidgety. However， he performs well and receives huge applause and cheers. He is high as a kite all the way home.

Three challenges down， 10 to go. I know he is enjoying it when I overhear him telling a friend animatedly about what is inside the next coloured envelope， which I have left on the kitchen table.

The next challenges get him cooking （plan， buy and make from scratch a three-course family dinner， choosing dishes from any page 13 of our recipe books）， learning Hungarian （Fred has been invited to Hungary in the summer holidays with his best friends family）， doing a self-portrait to capture himself at age 13， and walking （plan and do a 13-mile walk on your own）. I know this distance will not be that strenuous for him. What I really want is for him to experience how liberating and meditative it can be to walk for an extended period of time with nothing but your own thoughts. I tell him he cant take his iPod.

Challenge eight is to volunteer. I have a romantic vision of him dishing out soup in a centre for the homeless or spending time with old people. In reality， health and safety makes this impossible. He ends up in charge of the hook-aduck stall at a local farm charity for a day.

With five challenges left， Fred is asking what his reward is going to be at the end of all this. “What Id really like，” he tells me， “is if you took me to Blackpool Pleasure Beach.”Should I？ Im not sure.

But there have been pay-offs already. He plays the piano a lot these days， cuts the grass and we know we can ask him to make dinner if we are too busy. Now when he goes to stay with his grandparents 100 miles away， instead of a personal handover of child， clothes and cuddly toy at a service station halfway， we put him on a direct train with a heavy rucksack.

I also think he has learned that effort leads to reward， that he can do whatever he puts his mind to， that it is worth feeling the fear and doing it anyway， that we trust him to do stuff he thought we might not， that being in your own company is just fine—and that life is full of possibility and playfulness if you want it to be.

In fact， I may have made a rod for my own back.

“When Im 18，” he said the other day，“Do you think you could set me some sort of treasure hunt around Europe？”

一切都始于我们在汽车行李箱的旧货卖会上买到的一套电视剧集：《根》。我和儿子一起看了第一集，他似乎被年纪轻轻的昆塔·肯特和其他十多个少年一起进入森林进行“成年训练”的情节所吸引。所谓“成年训练”，包括对力量、勇气和狩猎技能的具体测试，割礼是其终极的训练方式。用一把双叉尖刀进行的割礼简直让人惨不忍睹。

我心里琢磨着，为什么不给儿子来一个21世纪的、西式的（无痛）“成人训练”呢？再过几个星期，弗瑞德就要过13岁生日了，这似乎是他生命中一个重要的拐点。他渴望更多的自由和独立，要求可以晚睡，想要更多的零花钱，不再需要保姆，希望可以骑自行车去任意一个遥远的地方并在没有成人监护的情况下去观看足球比赛。然而他已经成熟老练到可以获准去做这些事情了吗？我想，还是让我们来考考他。现在看来也是时候去考验他是否已经具备成年人生活所必备的技能了。

然而要让儿子乖乖地接受这个测验，我知道还得想出一个有趣的成人礼仪式，才能吸引这个已敢于长期显摆自己平脚内裤的13岁男孩。毕竟，这个男孩讨厌持之以恒的努力，并回避任何类型的制度或日常的惯例程式。

为了引起他的兴趣并激励他，我决定把整件事情放置在一种“人生如游戏”的氛围中进行。在这个测验里会有13个挑战，这13个挑战涵盖人生中的13个不同领域，如果有可能的话，每个挑战还会任意以某种方式包含13这个数字。我甚至买了13个色彩鲜艳的信封，装载着我给他的一个个任务。

挑战一：独自坐火车。在第十三个站下车。去一家咖啡馆或餐厅，并坐在里面用餐。点菜单上第十三项所包含的食物。然后用13.13英镑为自己买一整套衣服。

当然，我不是把他放出去乱走不管。我已经秘密地微观监控着整件事情。我们准备让他从一个特偏僻的村镇车站坐上火车，两个小时后，他将到达赫里福德，这是他从没去过的一个城市。我给他买了一张车票，并要求他不要看目的地在哪儿。我感觉很不安，但随着列车的开出，我笑了，想起昆塔·肯特的母亲在儿子从村子里被带走时讲的话：“刚刚离开的是一个男孩，回来的将会是一个男人。”

弗瑞德并不知道我们已开车到赫里福德去接他了。当我们最终见面时，他告诉我们，他喜欢独自坐火车的旅行，也喜欢购物，但一开始的时候，对测验中的午餐部分感觉不是很自在。“这有点不可思议，不是吗？一个孩子独自坐在咖啡馆？”

第二个挑战让他怨声不断：13项家务活儿，既有熨烫、外出缴费，还有给冰箱除霜等。“啊呀，那可得花掉我一整天时间，”他看着任务单说。

尽管如此，他还是满腔热情地开始了第一项工作——修剪草坪，并声称要将其修剪成足球场那样的带状。几分钟后，他从草坪回到了房子里，说他记起了还要把洗好的衣服晾出去。“我最好现在就去晾，因为看起来等会好像要下雨。”真明智。已经像家庭主妇一样在想问题了。

第三个挑战确实击中了他的弱点：学习并练习一首有13个小节的布鲁斯钢琴曲，并在公共场合演奏。弗瑞德上过几个月钢琴课，但后来放弃了。他爸爸也尝试过教他，但结果还是未能如人所愿。但是，他很开心地从YouTube视频网站上把音符都抄下来，然后自个儿独立地去试着弹。

然而，进行常规、反复练习的想法与他身上的每根筋骨都格格不入。有几天，他甚至对我们撒了谎，说自己在我们外出的时候练习了。当我们来到他表演的现场，面对正式的舞台和六、七十名观众时，他才突然紧张起来。他胡言乱语，焦躁不安。然而，他表演得还不错，获得了热烈的掌声和欢呼声。在回家的路上，他一直保持着高昂的状态，像一只久久不落地的风筝。

三个挑战过后，还有10个挑战等着他。我知道他喜欢上了这个测验，因为我无意中听到他正兴致勃勃地和一位朋友说有关下一个彩色信封里将会装着什么的事。我当时已经把他所提到的那个信封放在了厨房的餐桌上。

下一个挑战包含的任务有：烹饪（包括制定计划，购买烹饪材料，然后从零开始为全家准备一个有三道菜的晚餐，同时菜式须从我们家食谱的第13页中选择）、学习匈牙利语（弗瑞德曾获邀在暑假和他最好的朋友一家同到匈牙利去）、画一幅自画像来描绘自己在13岁时的样子、走一段路（制定计划并独立行走13英里）。我知道这个距离对他来说不会很难。我真正的目的是让他在与自己思想为伴的较长时间行走中，亲身去体会那种自由自在的、沉思放松的感觉。我还对他说，不能带iPod。

第八个挑战是去做义工。我原本有个天真的愿景，希望他在慈善中心为无家可归的人分发汤食或者花点时间陪陪老人。可实际上，健康问题和安全问题使得这个愿景没法实现。最后，他在当地一家农场慈善机构里的钩鸭子游戏摊位上负责守摊位。

只剩下五个挑战的时候，弗瑞德开始问等所有的测验结束时会有什么报偿。他对我说：“我真正想要的，是你能带我去黑池欢乐海滩。” 我应该带他去吗？我不太确定。

但现在，已经开始有些回报了。最近他钢琴弹得多了，也会去割草了，而且我们知道，如果太忙的话还能让他做晚饭。如今，当他要去100英里之外的祖父母家时，我们只是把背着沉沉帆布包的他送上直达列车，而不是在中途的服务站里亲自将一个小孩连同他的衣物和可爱玩具一起移交托付给别人。

我也认为他已经懂得了如下道理：努力会得到回报；只要用心去做就能做好任何事情；所有的恐惧和接受的考验都是值得的；我们信任他能够胜任那些在他看来我们也许并不相信他能做的事情；自己独处也挺好的；只要你想要的话，生活就可以充满可能性和趣味性。

事实上，我也许只是在自找麻烦罢了。

前几天，他说：“当我18岁时，你觉得你可以给我设置一些类似于去欧洲各地寻宝的挑战吗？”