单身父亲血泪史

Author Unknown

My sons mother passed three days after his birth. When we knew she was pregnant we had to make a decision between maintaining care for her known cancer or the child and she made that decision for us. For this reason alone my son is more to me than I can possibly explain. He is both her and himself is because of her sacrifice.

我儿子出生三天后他妈妈就过世了。当初知道她怀孕， 我们就得做出抉择：要继续她的癌症治疗，还是保住孩子，最终她为我们做了决定。正是这个原因，儿子对我的重要性简直无法言喻。他是她自我牺牲的结晶，也是她生命的延续。

In the beginning it was hard. Single mothers have a hard enough life， but single fathers， get in many cases， the even thinner end of the stick. Many support programs are tailored to single mothers， a lot of books are written from a female 1）perspective and both employers and society look at single male parents from a different perspective.

Since I can not breastfeed I had to make a decision between feeding formula and finding a surrogate. I opted for a surrogate， And while women have access to tools to make this happen， men do not. Walking into a hospital as a man and asking for a 2）funnel machine got me the weirdest looks...

Changing my son on the go is another issue. Many child changing stations are inside the female 3）lavatories， so I had to carry a tarp and often change him one-handed when there was no surface to work with.

Being a single man with a small child 4）raises many more flags than being a single woman. I was pulled over by the cops， on more than one occasion， because I carried a 2 year old 5）throwing a temper tantrum into a car. While I appreciate the 6）diligence of cops and callers， it became very annoying after a while.

Many single mothers I know tell me about how hard it was to find a partner due to their commitments （Why would anyone date a single mom？）. I agree. Its hard. There seems to be a perception that men with kids have it easier， but thats 7）hogwash. Usually it would go like this：“Oh， you have a kid？”—half of my dates lost interest. “What happened to the mother？” “She died”—mood ruined， lucky if you get a second date with someone who doesnt want to nurse you and your son back from bachelor hell.

刚开始的日子很艰难。那些单身妈妈过的日子就够难的了，而单身爸爸的处境往往更是窘迫。很多援助项目都是专门给单身妈妈制订的，很多书籍也是从女性的角度撰写的；雇主和社会各界都用一种不同的眼光看待单身父亲。

由于我自己无法给儿子进行母乳喂养，我就得决定，是给他喂配方奶呢，还是给他找代母喂哺母乳。我选择给他找代母，可是这件事女人之间好帮忙，男人做起来却处处碰壁，我一个大男人到医院里去，找人给我儿子喂奶，结果得到的是最奇怪的表情……

在外头给儿子换尿布是另一个大问题。很多婴儿换尿布台都是放在女洗手间里，因此我必须随身带一块防水布，在没有平台的情况下单手给他换尿布。

带着幼儿的单身男子比起单身女子来会更招人耳目。我曾不止一次被警察拦到路边，就是只是因为我把一个哭嚷闹脾气的两岁男孩抱进车里。我很欣赏警察和辅警的勤勉，但这种事情遇多了就变得很烦人。

我认识的很多单身妈妈告诉我，因为带着孩子的缘故，她们很难找到另一半（人家干吗要找个单身妈妈来谈恋爱呢？）。我同意。这很难。似乎有这样一种看法，认为单身父亲找对象要容易一些，但这其实是一派胡言。情况通常会是这样，“哦，你有孩子呀？”——然后一半的约会对象就都对我没兴趣了。“他妈妈呢？”“她死了。”——气氛就给毁了。还愿意跟你约会见第二次的，那就算你走运了，谁愿意下地狱给你照料大人拉扯小孩的。

I have been in some relationships since the death， mostly 8）superficial. Until very recently， I was more or less happy with this. At the moment I am heavily rethinking this and contemplating different situations. We will see. After three years of this， Ive built quite a shell around me. I made an effort to let that shell down recently， and the 9）onslaught was raw and painful. I know it was worth it， even though I made some terrible mistakes because of it.

I am extremely fortunate in some ways. I have people who consider my son family at this point and will care for him as much as they can while I am at work or pursuing other opportunities. In fact he considers them his parents， too. But because this is not a romantic or biological link， there is always a chance of this changing and I am well aware of it.

Society has a hard time with single dads. As one of my female single mom friends once said， very poignantly， “single mother， most people think was an accident， single father they all assume a 10）catastrophe”. Support groups are sometimes openly hostile to a male presence， other parents are（somewhat understandably） reluctant to let their kids come over for playdates unless theyre present， and telling your employer what the law is usually makes them angry.

Perhaps these two situations can help shed some light on certain issues that are more or less unique to us：

自从小孩的妈妈去世后，我也跟别人谈过几次恋爱，但大多都是雾水情缘。对此，我一直还不是很介意，但最近心态变了，我正认真地反思，考虑各种可能性。看以后会怎样吧。这样过了三年后，我已经在四周建构起一个坚硬外壳。近来，我努力尝试把这个外壳卸下，这种冲击残酷而疼痛。尽管我因此而犯过一些严重的错误，但我知道这么做是值得的。

我在有些方面还是很幸运的。有些人考虑到我一个人带着儿子，在我工作或是寻求其他机会的时候视同家人一般及其所能地帮我照看儿子。事实上他也把照看他的人当成父母了。但这是一种既非情缘也非血缘上的关系，所以情况经常变化，这一点我也非常清楚。

单身爸爸在社会上是很难立足的。正如我认识的一个单身妈妈非常痛心地说的那样：“很多人认为单身妈妈纯属不幸，但单身爸爸，人人都觉得那是种灾难。”一些扶助团体有时会公然不欢迎男士求助，其他父母往往不愿意让孩子独自去单身爸爸带的小孩家里玩（其实也挺能理解的）。另外，跟你的老板讲法律就常常会惹恼他们。

或许下面两种情况可以展示我们这种或多或少很独特的生活：

I always carry my sons passport with me when we go to the playground. A random single man sitting on a park bench watching kids play will get the cops called. After the first time， I started carrying the passport.

Leaving the country with my son was an 11）ordeal. “Where is the mother or the mothers consent form？” “I am a single father” “Wait here” “Sorry you missed your flight， pass on through”.

One last thing： I am in the same boat as many of my female 12）counterparts—it takes me a while before I allow romantic interests into my home to meet my son there. Women seem to have an easier time making a case for this， I am usually looked at like someone who has something to hide. I am more comfortable， at least in the beginning， to meet her somewhere else and spend time at her place rather than her coming into my house. Not because I distrust her or because I have something to hide but this is almost like“meeting the rents” for me and takes a while for me to be comfortable with it. This is the same on both genders， but men get looked at differently for it.

But！ And here it comes—I would not， for one second， trade it for anything. Seeing my son grow up， watching him learn things， hearing his first 13）coherent sentences with the right tense and 14）inflection， hearing the“I love you daddy” after I put him to bed， all that makes for a life that I would trade for nothing else. Never. Ever.

每次带儿子去游乐场的时候，我都会带上儿子的护照。任何一个单身男人坐在公园的长椅上看孩子们玩耍都是会招来警察的。从我被查问过一次以后，我就开始带护照了。

就连带着儿子出国也是一种考验。“孩子的妈妈呢？或者有她的同意书吗？”“我是个单身父亲。”“请在此稍等。”“对不起，您所乘坐的飞机已经起飞了，得转乘。”

最后，我跟大多数单身妈妈一样有着相同的境况，我会在交往过一段时间后才把对方带到家里，见见我的儿子。这点对单身妈妈来说要容易处理一些。我却常常被人看成不坦率。说实话，至少在刚开始的时候，我觉得跟女方在外面别的地方或是在女方的家里见面会更舒服，而不是让女方到我家里来。不是因为我不信任别人，也不是我有什么要藏着掖着的，这在我看来很像是“见家长”，我得花一段时间才能适应过来。无论是单身爸爸还是单身妈妈，情况都是一样的，只是人们对男人的看法不同而已。

但是！重点来了——我决不愿意拿儿子的幸福去交换任何东西，一秒钟也不行。看着儿子慢慢长大，看着他学习，听到他第一次说出字正腔圆又流利的话，哄他睡觉时听到他说“爸爸，我爱你”，这一切组成了我的幸福人生，我决不会拿这种幸福去交换任何东西。过去不会，将来也不会。