亲密关系中的两性话语（节选）

Male-female conversation is cross-cultural communication. Culture is simply a network of habits and patterns gleaned from past experience, and women and men have different past experiences. From the time theyre born, theyre treated differently, talked to differently, and talk differently as a result. Boys and girls grow up in different worlds, even if they grow up in the same house. And as adults they travel in different worlds, reinforcing patterns established in childhood. These cultural differences include different expectations about the role of talk in relationships and how it fulfills that role.

Everyone knows that as a relationship becomes long-term, its terms change. But women and men often differ in how they expect them to change. Many women feel, “After all this time, you should know what I want without my telling you.” Many men feel, “After all this time, we should be able to tell each other what we want.”

These incongruent expectations capture one of the key differences between men and women. Communication is always a matter of balancing conflicting needs for involvement and independence. Being understood without saying what you mean gives a payoff in involvement, and that is why women value it so highly.

If you want to be understood without saying what you mean explicitly in words, you must convey meaning somewhere else–in how words are spoken, or by metamessages. Thus it stands to reason that women are often more attuned than men to the metamessages of talk. When women surmise meaning in this way, it seems mysterious to men, who call it “womens intuition” (if they think its right) or “reading things in” (if they think its wrong). Indeed, it could be wrong, since metamessages are not on record. And even if it is right, there is still the question of scale: How significant are the metamessages that are there?

Metamessages are a form of indirectness. Women are more likely to be indirect, and to try to reach agreement by negotiation. Another way to understand this preference is that negotiation allows a display of solidarity, which women prefer to the display of power (even though the aim may be the same–getting what you want). Unfortunately, power and solidarity are bought with the same currency: Ways of talking intended to create solidarity have the simultaneous effect of framing power differences. When they think theyre being nice, women often end up appearing deferential and unsure of themselves or of what they want.

When styles differ, misunderstandings are always rife. As their different styles create misunderstandings, women and men try to clear them up by talking things out. These pitfalls are compounded in talks between men and women because they have different ways of going about talking things out, and different assumptions about the significance of going about it.

Why are women more attuned to metamessages? Because they are more focused on involvement, that is, on relationships among people, and it is through metamessages that relationships among people are established and maintained. If you want to take the temperature and check the vital signs of a relationship, the barometers to check are its metamessages: what is said and how.

Everyone can see these signals, but whether or not we pay attention to them is another matter–a matter of being sensitized. Once you are sensitized, you cant roll your antennae back in; theyre stuck in the extended position.

两性之间的交流是跨文化交流。文化无非是由经验产生的习惯与模式组成的一套系统，而女人和男人有着不同的经验。甫一出生他们就享有不同的待遇，听不同的话语，结果就形成了不同的表达方式。男孩和女孩是在不同的环境当中成长起来的，哪怕他们同在一个屋檐下生活。长成以后他们也是各行其是，从而强化了他们童年养成的行为模式。这些文化差异包括，对交往中的话语角色及其如何履行这一角色，人们有不同的期待。

我们都知道，当一种长期关系得以确立以后，彼此的要求也会随之发生变化，但女人与男人对变化的方式总是有不同的期待。许多女人觉得，“相处了这么长时间，我不说你也应该知道我需要什么。”而许多男人却认为，“相处了这么长时间，我们完全可以告诉对方我们需要什么。”

这类不协调的期待恰好说明了男女之间的一个关键差异。交流永远都是对参与和独立的矛盾诉求进行调和的一种努力。“不言而喻”是对参与的回报，这就是为什么女人十分看重这一点。

假如你希望无需清晰的表述就能够得到理解，你就必须通过别的途径传达你的用意，比如变换表述方式，或代之以言外之意。所以女人比男人更适应交谈中的言外之意，就是顺理成章的事情了。当女人用这种方式来测度某种含义的时候，男人会觉得不可思议，把它称作“女人的直觉”（如果他们认同的话），或“异想天开”（如果他们不认同的话）。的确，她们的推测有可能出错，因为言外之意并没有记录在案。即便她们猜对了，还有一个适用范围的问题：言外之意在这里有多大的作用？

言外之意是一种间接的表达方式。女人更愿意选择这种方式，更希望通过协商达成一致。理解这种偏好的另外一个角度是，相比于权力的展示，女人更倾向于协商所认可的团结精神（即便目的或许相同：都是为了谋求所需）。不幸的是，权力与团结不可兼得：营造团结的表达方式，同时也会影响到权力差别的形成。当她们认为自己在释放善意的时候，她们常常表现为唯唯诺诺、缺乏自信或无所适从。

方式有异，误会也就在所难免。两性间因不同的方式产生误会时，就会尝试通过交心恳谈来消除它。但在男人与女人的对话中这些问题会变得更加复杂，因为在交心恳谈中他们有不同的表达方式，对其意义也有不同的理解。

为什么女人更适应言外之意呢？因为她们更看重参与，也就是更看重人与人之间的关系；正是通过言外之意，人与人之间的各种关系才得以建立和维持。如果你想测试一下某一关系的冷暖及其关键征兆，言外之意就是你的晴雨表：即表达什么和如何表达。

每个人都能看到这些信号，但是否留意则是另一回事，要看你是否敏感。而一旦你变得敏感起来，就再也不会收起你的触角，它们将保持伸展的姿态。