YOU’VE GOT QUESTIONS?SHE’S GOT ANSWERS (BUT YOU PROBABLY WON’T LIKE THEM)

Hi! I have obtained access to your device and have been monitoring your internet activity.I have also uploaded a Trojan horse which gives me access to your camera and microphone.If you don’t transfer the amount equivalent to 1,490 US dollars to my Bitcoin wallet within 48 hours,I will send videos of you to your entire contact list.

Plambert

What a 忠实粉丝 (zhōngshí fěnsī,loyal fan)! You like me so much that you want to 关注 (guānzhù,pay attention to) my every move.Did you see the 线上排练 (xiànshàng páiliàn,online rehearsal) of our newest 广场舞编舞 (guǎngchǎngwǔ biānwǔ,plaza dance choreography)? I don’t know what else my 摄像头 (shèxiàngtóu,camera) shows.Probably just me打盹儿 (dǎdǔnr,dozing off) while watching boring 连续剧(liánxùjù,soap operas).Maybe you can tell me if my grandson has been 偷偷打游戏 (tōutōu dǎ yóuxì,sneakily playing video games) on my computer?

Did your horse thing also detect my 国家反诈中心 (Guójiā Fǎnzhà Zhōngxīn,National Anti-Fraud Center) app? I know exactly 你葫芦里卖的什么药 (nǐ húlu li mài de shénme yào,“what medicine you’re selling in your calabash,” what you’re scheming)! My family already warned me,when you’re online,“给钱不要，要钱不给 (gěi qián bú yào,yào qián bù gěi,don’t take money and don’t give any money away).” Why can’t you go make money properly like all those 诚实的年轻人 (chéngshí de niánqīngrén,honest young people) out there?

I think my smartphone is spying on me.The other day,I was talking about teeth-whitening and now I’m getting all these ads for corrective surgery.Dear Ayi,what do I do?

Toothy Tim

Why so 没礼貌 (méi lǐmào,rude) to your phone? I once overheard my son complaining to his 哥们儿 (gēmenr,bro)about some 感情问题 (gǎnqíng wèntí,romantic troubles),so I thought,“this one is definitely going to 吹了 (chuī le,not work out).” The next few days,I asked him to go 买菜(mǎicài,buy groceries) with me,but we detoured to a 公园相亲角 (gōngyuán xiāngqīnjiǎo,match-making corner at a park).I keep telling him about all the 单身适龄 (dānshēn shìlíng,single and suitably aged) daughters of my dance friends,but that ungrateful boy 拉黑 (lāhēi,blocked) my contact for a while until he had to 要钱 (yào qián,ask for money) again!Well,that made me a bit 心凉 (xīnliáng,disappointed),but I still have his 相亲网站账号 (xiāngqīn wǎngzhàn zhànghào,dating site profile) running.I just want him to 安个家 (ān gè jiā,settle down) so I don’t have to 操心 (cāoxīn,worry).唉(āi,sigh),this is what I call 好心当作驴肝肺 (hǎoxīn dàngzuò lǘgānfèi,“treat good heart as donkey liver and lung,”or misinterpret well-wishing).Why worry about 隐私 (yǐnsī,privacy) and 边界感 (biānjiègǎn,sense of boundary)? Cut your millennial 扯淡 (chědàn,crap)! Aren’t we all just 为了你好 (wèile nǐ hǎo,trying to look out for you)?

—ILLUSTRATION AND DESIGN BY CAI TAO AND GAO FEI

Got questions for our Agony Ayi? Send them to agonyayi@theworldofchinese.com

Gathering seafood on the beach at low tide is a routine activity for locals in Tanmen,a traditional fishing town in Qionghai,Hainan.The tradition originated from local fishing and seafaring culture on the South China Sea.

—PHOTOGRAPHY BY ZHONG MING(钟鸣)