JOKES

史芳芳

（1）

A man went into a pub and ordered a dry martini. The olive went into a small glass jar he had brought with him. He drank quickly and ordered another. And another. Always putting the olive into the jar. After about an hour the jar was full and the man staggered（蹒跚） out with it.

“What a weirdo！” exclaimed a customer.

“Not really，” said the barman. “What would you do if your wife sent you out to get a jar of olives for tonight’s party， and the shops were all shut？”

（2）

An old man was sitting on the curb outside the pub， sobbing helplessly. A cop asked him what was wrong. “I’m 75 years old，” he cried， “and I’ve got a 25-year-old wife at home who’s beautiful， randy， and madly in love with me.”

“So what’s the problem？” asked the cop.

“I can’t remember my address.”

（3）

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking. The first says， “I’m so hard， once I ate a whole bag full of rat poison！” The second says， “Well I’m very hard; once I was caught in a rat trap and I gnawed （啃） it apart！” Then the third rat gets up and says， “Bye， men， I’m off home to screw the cat...”

（4）

Psychiatrist： What’s wrong with your brother？

Sister： He thinks he’s a chicken.

Psychiatrist： I see. And how long has he been acting like a chicken？

Sister： Three years. We would have come in sooner， but we needed the eggs.

（5）

When Willie retired from the railway after 50 years’ service， the company presented him with an old coach to keep in his garden as a memento（紀念物）. One wet day， his friends found him sitting on the step of the coach， smoking his pipe with an old sack over his shoulders to keep out the rain. “Hullo， Willie，” said his pals， “why are ye no’ inside on a day like this？” “Can ye no’ see？” replied Willie， with a nod toward the coach. “They sent me a non-smoker.”

（6）

A travelling salesman stops at a petrol station to take a crap. The toilet has two stalls and there’s a man already there using one of them. The two men acknowledge each other and go about their business. The salesman finishes first and， as he pulls his trousers up， some coins drop into the toilet bowl. He looks at it， thinks for a moment and throws a ￡20 note into the bowl. The other man， astonished， asks，“Why the hell did you do that？” The salesman says，“You don’t expect me to put my hand in there for 35 pence， do you？”

（7）

One day in a jewellery shop a man is in the process of buying a really expensive necklace with a lovely silver lock on it. The jeweller asks him， “Would you like her name engraved （雕刻） on it？” The man has a think and then replies， “No， just put‘To my one and only love.’ That way if we break up and she throws it back in anger， I’ll be able to recycle！”