一位跨性别者的自白

I am an AFAB （assigned female at birth） transman. I use male pronouns. I knew I was male at 3. I came out as transgender to myself when I was 13， to my parents at 14， and to my extended family at 18. I began taking testosterone at 17， and legally changed my name at 18. A surprising number of people think that the trans process is short and simple. Many trans people， myself included， are asked if weve had “the operation” （a rude question，） as if thats the only thing involved in being trans. Its interesting， because my personal transition has involved years of self-discovery， revelations， hardships， medications， doctors， psychologists， endocrinologists， gender specialists...and it will eventually involve not one operation， but roughly six surgeries over the course of many years！

Gender Reassignment Surgery is an unattainable luxury for many. When I was 21， I was on the waiting list to have my top surgery （a double mastectomy and chest reconstruction） done through my insurance. Unfortunately， I had to move out of state and lost that insurance. Few insurance providers in Nevada cover transgender care. I do not have the $10，000 for that procedure. For all of the surgical care I require， it would cost over $150，000 out of pocket， or the equivalent of buying two houses in my town.

I never dressed “like a girl.” Shopping was an ordeal for both my mother and I. From a young age， I insisted on shopping in the boys section. I got a lot of disapproving looks from adults in the store， but I never let anybody tell me how I was supposed to feel. I shaved my head when I was 8. That was the last time my mother ever let my sister take me for a haircut. Since I hacked off most of my own hair when I was 4， Im sure it could not have been much of a surprise.

In third grade， right after my head shaving experience， a parent volunteer at my school followed me into a restroom and dragged me out， yelling at me in front of the entire playground for using the “wrong”restroom. I simply used the girls room， as I had always been instructed. As a painfully shy child， being laughed at by all the students at my school was beyond mortifying. It was bad enough that every single day of elementary school， another student would approach me as I sat alone on a bench and ask， “Are you a boy or a girl？” It happened without fail.

In seventh grade， my gym class had a substitute one day， and we happened to be excused from the track late. We all ran back to the locker rooms to avoid being late for the next class. As I tried to enter， the substitute grabbed my arm， her nails dug into the skin and scratched me painfully， and pulled me out， yelling at me for trying to enter the girls locker room. I went to my next class with blood on my arm because I had done what I had always been told to do.

In high school， my vice principal agreed to let me change in the bathroom in the office building instead of the locker room after a girl complained to me that she was uncomfortable in the same locker room as me.

I began binding my chest when I was 13， ten years ago. Its painful， it makes it hard to breath， I get faint and dizzy and nauseous， and the idea that people would be able to notice my chest size anyway causes me such bad anxiety that I take medication for it. But I cannot leave my house without my binder on， even though it digs into my skin and bruises me， and has almost caused me to pass out at work more than once. This is because I have a fear that if someone notices that Im trans， theyll either refer to me as a female， or hurt me. That is not even an irrational fear. People like me are beaten， raped， burned， stoned， drowned， cut， shot， and murdered at a rate that would make any reasonable person terrified.

As a trans person， Ive had nasty things said to me， things thrown at me， Ive been shot with a pellet gun from a moving car， someone tried to hit me with a car my sophomore year， and Ive been laughed at， pointed at， stared at， mocked， and humiliated all my life. I have been called tranny， dyke， he-she， and it， all to my face. In online discussions， people have offered to “teach me how to be a woman” （which essentially means they offered to rape me until I agreed I was female）， told me that I would never“be a man” because of my chromosomes （Ive never had a chromosome test， so even I dont know what my chromosomes actually are）， and told that Im just doing this for male privilege （as if I knew what that was when I was 3）.

Transition is not a one-time thing. For some people， it takes years， and for some， it never ends. I have been in transition for more than a decade， and it will probably take another decade to get where I want to be.

I do not regret deciding to transition. I had suicidal thoughts at the age of 7. Nobody needs that much misery in their life. Since Ive begun transitioning， I feel free， happy， and complete for the first time in my life.

我是一名跨性別者，出生时为女性。我使用男性人称代词。我三岁的时候就意识到我在心理上是男性。在13岁时，我在心理上认同了自己的跨性别者身份，14岁时对父母坦白，而家里其他亲戚则在我18岁时才知道这件事。我17岁时开始服用睾丸激素，18岁时更改了我的法定名字。认为易性过程很短很简单的人数量多得惊人。包括我自己在内的很多跨性别者都被问及我们有没有进行“手术”（真是无礼的问题），仿佛易性就只涉及这么一件事。有趣的是，我个人的易性过程牵涉多年的自我发现、自我揭露、重重困难、药物治疗、医生、心理医生、内分泌学家、性别专家……而且易性的过程将经历不止一场手术，而是历时多年的六次手术！

变性手术对很多人来说是高不可攀的奢侈消费。21岁那年，我在申请者的队列中等候一笔保险金的发放，用于支付乳房切除手术（双乳房切除手术和胸壁重建）的费用。不幸的是，我因必须迁居到别的州而失去了这项保险。内华达州的保险公司鲜有覆盖跨性别者医疗项目的险种。我支付不起进行乳房切除手术的1万美元费用。我所需要进行的全部外科手术加起来会花光15万美元，这笔钱在我那个镇上能买两所房子。

我从来都不会穿得“像个女孩”。购物对于我和我妈都是折磨。从小时候起，我就坚持在男孩用品区购物。店里的大人们常常对我的打扮露出不赞同的神色，但我从不让别人来告诉我该作何感受。我8岁的时候剃了个光头。打那次以后，我妈再也不让我姐姐带我去剪头发。由于我4岁时就把自己的大部分头发剪掉，我能肯定剃光头不会太令人吃惊。

三年级时，就在我剃完光头之后，一位在我的学校当志愿者的家长尾随我进了公用洗手间并把我拽了出去，当着整个运动场的人的面，大喊大叫地训斥我进错厕所。我只是遵从大人向来的教导，用了女洗手间。作为一个极度害羞的孩子，被全校的学生嘲笑，感觉可不仅仅是窘迫而已。小学期间的每一天，当我独自坐在长凳上时，都会有别的学生过来问我：“你是男孩还是女孩？”仅仅这一点就够糟糕的了。没有一次能避开这种发问。

七年级时，一天，我的体育课上来了一位代课老师，而且碰巧那天我们在跑道上解散得比较晚。我们都跑回去更衣室，以免下一节课迟到。当我正要进入更衣室时，这位代课老师抓住我的手臂把我拉出去，因我试图闯进女更衣室而冲我大喊大叫着，她的指甲嵌进我的皮肤里，抓得我生疼。我手臂上带着血迹去上下一节课，只因为我做了一直被教导去做的事。

高中时，一个女生向我抱怨说和我共处一个更衣室很不舒服，之后副校长就同意让我在办公楼的浴室里而不是在学生更衣室里换衣服。

十年前，那时我13岁，我开始把胸部包扎起来。这样做很痛，让我难以呼吸，我感觉无力、头晕目眩、恶心，但无论如何，一想到人们会注意到我胸部的大小，我就十分焦虑，甚至需要吃药抵御这种焦虑。但是不包扎起来我就不能踏出家门，尽管绷带陷进肉里把肉勒得瘀伤，还不止一次地让我在工作时间几乎昏倒。這是因为我害怕如果有人发现我是跨性别者，他们不是会把我说成是女人，就是会伤害我。这种恐惧还不算荒谬。像我这样的跨性别者被殴打、被蹂躏、被火烧、被石头砸、被水淹、被刀砍、被枪击、被杀害的几率大到能让任何有理智的人都感到恐惧。

作为跨性别者，我听过别人对我说的污言秽语，被人用东西砸过，被人从行进中的汽车里开弹丸枪射击过，大二的时候有人试图开车撞我，我被嘲笑，被指手划脚，被瞪视，被模仿，被羞辱。这辈子一直是这样过的。别人冲着我的脸叫我“异装癖”、“女同性恋”、“他她”，还有“它”。在网上讨论时，有些人提出“教我怎样做女人”（本质上是提出要蹂躏我直到我承认自己是女性为止），跟我说由于染色的缘故，我永远都不会“成为一个男人”（我从没进行过染色体检验，所以我自己也不知道我的染色体情况到底怎样），对我说我易性只是为了男性的特权（说得好像我3岁就了解男性特权似的）。

易性不是一蹴而就的事情。一些人要花数年的时间，而另一些人则永远也没法完成。我易性的过程已经持续超过十年了，可能还要再花十年，我才能成为想成为的人。

我不后悔易性的决定。我7岁时就有过自杀的念头。没人理应承受这么多的痛苦。自从我开始了易性的历程，人生中我第一次感受到了自由、快乐和完满。