Kinship and Responsibility
2020-04-14ByQiuYin
By Qiu Yin
After David graduated from Pennsylvania State University and settled down to work,he began to receive bills of tuition loans from the university.Penn State has been labeled one of the “Public Ivies,” and has the highest in-state tuition rates among comparable institutions nationwide.David earned a decent amount of money at that time,so he wanted to foot the bill by himself.Yet,David’s father took the bills away and told him,“These are my bills.I’ll pay.As parents,we are obliged to pay for your tuition.”
By contrast,after David’s elder brother graduated from a costly private university,he stayed home for a while,yet his parents asked him to pay a rent.Therefore,it is evident that the matter is not about money,but responsibility.Jewish parents are willing to pay for their children’s education,but they won’t tolerate their children being dependent on them.In this regard,Jewish parents are not mean,they simply have principles in cultivating their children.
“My mom teaches us to cook,so we can live on our own.But she holds back a few tricks up her sleeve,so we won’t be too independent to get married,” said David.
As David’s parents were hitting old age and were unable to endure the cold climate in New York,they moved to Florida,also known as the Sunshine State.When they got older,David’s mother contracted a serious disease,so she hired a nanny to cook the meals and look after her,and his father also helped.Slowly,the burden became too much for his father,and David had to fly to the South to visit both of them from time to time.In order to save the trouble of commuting,he tried to persuade his parents to move to Atlanta,and live with him,so it’d be easier for him to look after them.But his parents declined the offer as they didn’t want to lay a burden on him.So,David asked his siblings to talk it over with his parents.
大卫离开学校开始工作后,收到宾夕法尼亚州立大学寄来的学费贷款账单。宾大属于公立常春藤系统,学费非常昂贵。大卫的收入不错,他要自己支付这笔账单。但大卫的爸爸尔尼抢过账单,对儿子说:“这是我的账单,由我来付。付学费是父母的责任。”
相反,大卫的哥哥从昂贵的私立大学毕业后,回家和父母住了一段时间,当时,父母就向大儿子收取房租。从这里可以看出,不是钱的问题,而是责任问题。犹太父母愿意为子女支付昂贵的大学学费,但不容孩子不独立。这一点,犹太父母分得清清楚楚,而非小气。
“我的妈妈教我们烹饪,就是要我们有独立生存的能力。但她又不把全部的烹饪本事教给我们,就是要避免我们因为太独立而不肯结婚。”大卫说。
大卫的父母老了,熬不过纽约的寒冷气候,就搬到阳光州佛罗里达定居。年纪更老时,大卫的妈妈患了严重的疾病,聘请了一个人做饭兼看护,他的爸爸也要承担一些照护工作。后来,大卫的爸爸不堪负荷,大卫又得常往南飞去探视父母,这增加他工作上的困扰。于是,大卫试图说服父母搬到亚特兰大,方便让他就近照顾。父母不想增加儿子的负担,拒绝了他的请求,大卫因此恳请堂姐们当说客,去说服他的父母。
After a lot of persuading,they finally agreed to move to Atlanta,but insisted on renting an apartment close to where their son lived.“I have a vacant room for you in my apartment.You can just move in and stay with me,” David told them.
“Well,that’s not a good idea,my son.You should have your own life,and we should have ours.It is good enough that we can live near each other.”
Later,his mother’s disease worsened.She felt she’d rather move into the nursing home to stay with other Jewish seniors than living with her own son.“My son,you should have your own life.I don’t want to be a burden to you,” said her mother as usual.
“Whenever I received a call from my parents,be it day or night,I’d hit the road immediately.Sometimes,I’d also ask my manager for a leave to look after them,” said David.
David is not alone in being a filial child.Eugenia is a Jewish friend of mine from the synagogue,and she is a teacher.She’d never miss a Sunday without taking her dad to the synagogue in a wheelchair.
“Jewish parents do not accept money from their children.Generally,they will make a sound financial plan well ahead of time.Jewish parents are proud,so to speak,and they have a high self-esteem.They want to be independent even when they grow old.Independence means freedom.A life without freedom is like slavery.You know,Jewish people were enslaved in Egypt,so freedom means a lot to Jews,” said David in a natural and sincere tone.
“But don’t they need help from their children?” I asked.
“Of course,they’d love to receive a call from their children,so they can chitchat and catch up on each other,and they like their children to help them with some trivial matters,like fixing something up.It’ll make them happy.Whenever I helped my dad fix his computer,he was always glad that his son had the ability to help him,” said David.
After David’s mother passed away,he picked up his dad from the nursing home every Sunday night to chat with him and have meals together.He kept the routine going for six years.Before checking out at the restaurant,David’s father always insisted on paying for his own bill,so there were always two credit cards presented to the waiter.
“Honor thy father and thy mother” is the fifth commandment of the Ten Commandmentsin Judaism.According to Halakha,the Jewish laws,it is a deadly sin not to honor your parents,which comes after honoring God.Therefore,unlike Chinese parents,Jewish parents are neither the sovereign rulers in the family,nor do they hold a prominent position.Moreover,this commandment should not only include birth parents,but also stepparents.
To top it all off,Jewish parents are lifelong learners.Most of the Jewish seniors I know read books every day even if they hit their nineties,and they deserve our respect and admiration.Having parents so diligent and self-disciplined,how could it be that the young Jews live off their parents? According to Jewish law,after attending the coming of age ritual,young Jews will become accountable for their actions.How is it possible that people who are responsible for themselves leech off their parents?
(FromTruth:Jews Are Not What You Think,International Cultural Publishing Company.Translation:Zhu Yaguang)
好不容易,大卫的父母搬到亚特兰大,他们却坚持在儿子当时住的一间公寓附近租房。大卫对他们说:“我家有房间给你们,搬入我家就行了。”
“喔,不!儿子,你应当有自己的生活,我们也该有我们的。能就近照顾,已经很好了。”
再后来,大卫的妈妈病情更严重了,但她宁可搬入很多犹太老人住的“老人之家”,也不肯和儿子同住。他的妈妈还是那句话:“儿子,你该有自己的生活,我不能拖累你。”
“只要我的父母电话一来,我就立刻上路,不管是白天还是晚上。有时候,我就向上司请假去照顾父母。”大卫说。
同样很孝顺的还有尤琴尼亚,她在教书,是我教会里的犹太朋友。每个星期天,她一定推着坐在轮椅上的爸爸来教会。
“犹太父母不接受子女给他们钱。他们通常很早就做了完善的财务规划,不需要向子女伸手。可以说,犹太父母是很骄傲的,有很强的自尊心,觉得就算老了也要独立。不独立,就不自由。而不自由,就好像是奴隶一样。你知道,犹太人曾经在埃及当奴隶430年,因此,自由对犹太人而言是非常重要的。”大卫说得很自然,一点也不矫情。
“可是,犹太父母都不需要子女帮忙吗?”我不解地问。
“犹太父母喜欢子女常打电话嘘寒问暖和聊天,也喜欢子女帮他们做点小事,例如什么东西坏了,帮他们修理一下,他们会很开心。我每次帮爸爸修电脑,他总是很高兴我是他的儿子,而且有这个能力帮助父母。”
大卫的妈妈过世后,每个星期天晚上,大卫一定到养老院接爸爸,一同上餐馆用餐、聊天。6年了,没有间断。结账时,大卫的爸爸坚持要付自己的账单。每次结账时,总是两张信用卡同时递给服务生。
“孝敬父母”是犹太人《十诫》中的第五诫,在犹太人的律法中,孝敬父母排在敬仰上帝之后,不孝敬父母是死罪一条。因此,犹太父母和华人父母相比,既不权威,也不高高在上。孝敬父母不只限于生身,继父、继母都在列。
可贵的是,犹太父母是终生学习者。我所认识的犹太老者,即便到了九十几岁,还是每天读书,值得我们敬佩。父母都那么勤读,子女怎么可能啃老呢?举行过成年礼就意味着要为自己负责,而为自己负责的人,怎么可能啃老?
(摘自《本来:犹太人和你想的不一样》 国际文化出版公司)