My Dreams, My Clouds, Your World我的梦想，我的云彩，你们的世界

阿米尔·萨利姆

Its a long endless road. I dont know where is it taking me but I am running along with it. I am not running because I want to but because I have to. Its been a long run and I am worn out， still I have to run.

This is New York. The city of high-rises， proud and loud， big and brash. I arrived here a few days ago， as an illegal immigrant. There was no legal way out， I am sorry for that. I desperately wanted to come here; I wanted my dreams to come true. I brought my dreams with me into another dream… New York. It was my dream.

After arriving here I had nowhere to go. I looked around in complete bemusement and concluded that I was a misfit here. But soon this notion died away as I looked up in the sky. The clouds… yes. The clouds， they were the same as I left them in my country. They are same everywhere. Thats why I was no foreigner to them， they were my clouds.

So it was no problem now， wherever the clouds were， the place was mine. I started wandering in the streets. While roving around， somewhere in the middle of the Big Apple， in abandoned streets， I could see the flipside of the dazzling picture of the metropolis. It was all dark; it was all full of drug-addicts and unofficially declared insignificant old people waiting for no one but the angel of bereavement.

I didnt dream my dream to be like this so I left the place. I went to Downtown and that was the first mistake I made. I was too busy flying in Manhattan with my delusions that I forgot Interpol. They were after me ever since I landed here; after all I was a prohibited migrant.

For a split second I thought I should let them know why I had to come here， so that they would let me subsist here. I wanted to tell them that I am here just to make some money， the legal way. I wanted to earn a lot of money and then I would go back to my roots. Ill go back to where money matters. Where men matter only when theyve got money. If I get the money， Ill matter too. But of course they wouldnt pay attention. Why should they let me take their riches？ Its their country.

I was walking offhandedly in a busy street when I felt someone staring at me. I looked at him and he started looking somewhere else. Interpol. I slipped into the crowd and vanished. That was the second mistake I made. I made them suspicious of me. But I was frightened; I didnt know what to do. For next two days I went on hiding. And then I made the final mistake. I met a fellow countryman of mine rather he met me. He told me he could get me a job. I was running low on cash so I quickly said yes… and then slowly said no. He wanted me to deal in drugs. I couldnt do that. I wanted to earn money the legal way. I told him and said no. He vanished.

When I turned around， I saw the same Interpol man looking at me， standing in the corner of the street. Before I could take my first step， he disappeared behind the wall and then I didnt take my first step. I just stood there. It wasnt good. They must have thought I have joined them. But they dont know it. They must be thinking I am one of them， they are thinking wrong. Thats what happened to me all my life and now they. I must tell them I am not what they think I am.

“You there， come out and talk to me， God damn you， I am standing here. You wanna know who I am， all right you come here and I tell you who I am. Come out if you have the heart to listen， Ill tell you how it feels to say no to money. You cowards， what you know how it feels to say no to your dreams. You dont have a dream， you lifeless creatures. And if you dont have one， then why you take them away from others. Tell me， I am standing here， you rats…”

There was no one listening.

Night has fallen. It never gets dark in night in New York. There are lights everywhere. I am standing in the middle of a bridge， looking at the skyscrapers. Looking at those tall structures seems like millions of fireflies are stuck into those buildings. They are all illuminated and so is the river water. There are dark clouds in the sky and it may rain any time. Its all so beautiful， so peaceful， and so dreamy. We are all together， my clouds， my dreams and I. Life looks perfect. But not seeing a problem doesnt mean not having a problem.

On my left， on the corner of the bridge， there is someone to shatter my dreams. He is the same one and this time he is not alone. He knew it was not that easy to snatch away my dreams alone. They are coming to me， but this time I am not willing to talk. They want to send me back. I dont want to go back without money， I want to matter.

So I run. I run to the other corner of the bridge. They run after me. I dont look back at them and keep on running. Its a God damned long bridge. So many times I watched in movies， policemen chasing the hero and the hero jumps over the bridge and escapes. But this is not a movie and even if it were… I am not a hero. So I keep on running. I cross the bridge and run along the road. I keep on running and they keep on chasing me. I turned into so many streets， tried to dodge them but they were quick. They have been following me for quite some time now.

It has started raining. I have no problem running in rain. I have done that before， dont you remember. That time I was running for her love and this time I am running for my life.

May be thats why I dont want to run any more， I am running for myself. It makes no difference to no one if I dont run but just me. All right then， I am going to stop. Ill talk to them. I slow down. They turn into this street. I am about to stop when I hear a gun shot. It would have been nothing if I hadnt fallen down. They have shot me in my leg. I turn around and try to get up. They shoot again， this time on my chest near the heart. I fall down again.

It is dark in New York. I cant see the clouds in the dark but I know they are up there looking at me. It seems they are shedding their tears on my pain. They dont have to cry for me. But I think they care about me， after all they are my clouds. Due to pain， tears come out of my eyes and so my dreams. They were since long in my heart. My heart kept them with love but it cant hold them any more because it is too hurt now. My heart cared about everyone， it just couldnt take care of itself.

I am feeling like a total loser. I have nothing left with me but pain. I am leaving the clouds and all my dreams here. Before closing my eyes forever， I look down to my heart， its my dreams; I look up in the sky， its my clouds; and then I look around… its your world.

這是一条漫漫长路。我不知道它会将我引向何处，只是沿着它一直奔跑。我奔跑，不是因为想要这样，而是不得不跑。我已经跑了很久，跑得筋疲力尽，可我还得拼命奔跑。

这里是纽约，一座高楼林立、妄自尊大、繁杂喧闹、傲慢无礼的大都市。几天前，我，一个非法移民，来到了这里。没有经由合法渠道，对此我很抱歉。我想实现我的梦想，所以不顾一切来到这里。我带着我的梦想走进了另一个梦……纽约。这是我曾经的梦想之地。

到了这里，我无处安身。环顾四周，我茫然一片，并得出一个结论：这里的一切与我格格不入。然而，当我抬头仰望天空，这一念头很快就消失了。噢，云彩……是的，那天上的云彩和我离开家乡时并没有什么两样。无论走到哪里，都是同一片云天。对于它们，我并不陌生，它们是我的云彩。

想到这儿，我的心一下子释然了。有云彩的地方，就是我的世界。我开始在街头闲逛。在这座“大苹果城”市中心某处荒废的街道上游荡时，我能看到这令人眼花缭乱的大都会的另一面。那里一片漆黑，到处都是吸毒者，还有多数人心中都觉得无足轻重的老人们——等待他们的只有死神。

我没想到我的梦想之地是这番光景，于是我离开了此地。我来到繁华的闹市区，这是我犯下的第一个错误。我带着幻想在曼哈顿区疲于奔波，却忘记了国际刑警。自从我踏上这片土地，他们就盯上了我。毕竟，我是一个非法移民。

有那么一瞬间，我想我应该让他们知道我为什么一定要来这里，这样他们才会让我在这里待下去。我要告诉他们，我在这儿只是想挣些钱，合法地挣钱。我想挣很多很多钱，之后就回我的祖国。我会回到那个金钱万能的地方。在那里，有了钱才会出人头地。如果我有了钱，我也会出人头地。不过，他们当然不会管这些。他们凭什么让我拿走他们的财富呢？这里是他们的国度。

我在一条熙熙攘攘的大街上漫无目的地走着，突然感觉有人在盯着我。我看他时，他把目光转向别的地方。噢，国际刑警！我溜进了人群，从他的视野里消失了。这是我犯下的第二个错误。我让他们怀疑上我了。可我有点儿害怕，不知道如何是好。随后两天，我一直东躲西藏。后来，我犯下了最后一个错误。我碰到了一个同胞，确切地说，是他碰到了我。他告诉我，他可以给我找份工作。此时我身上的钱已所剩无几，所以立刻就答应了……但随后又婉转地回绝了。他要我从事毒品交易。我可不能干这个，我想通过合法的方式去挣钱。我拒绝了他，他转眼就消失了。

我转过身，发现一直跟踪我的那位国际刑警站在街角看着我。我还没来得及迈出第一步，他就躲到墙后不见了，于是我也没有迈步，只是呆呆地站在那儿。这下可不妙了！他们肯定以为我已经参与了毒品交易。可他们不了解实情。他们肯定以为我是犯罪团伙中的一员，他们想错了。我这一辈子总是遭人误解，你瞧，又来了。我必须告诉他们，我不是他们想象的那种人。

“嗨，你！出来跟我谈谈。该死的，我就站在这儿。你想知道我是谁吗？好吧，你过来，我会告诉你我是谁。如果你有心要听，你就出来，我会告诉你对金钱说‘不的滋味。你这个胆小鬼，你知道对梦想说‘不是什么感觉吗？哦，你根本就没有梦想，你就是行尸走肉。即便你没有梦想，又何必要夺走别人的梦想呢。告诉我，我就站在这里，你这个卑鄙小人……”

然而，没有人在听。

夜幕降临，可纽约是一个不夜城。这里到处灯火辉煌。我站在桥的中央，望着一幢幢摩天大楼。那些高高的建筑看上去宛如有数不清的萤火虫落在上面。它们都闪闪发亮，河水也被映照得泛着光。天空中出现乌云，随时都可能下雨。一切都是那么美丽、安详，那么令人遐想。我的云彩、我的梦想和我相聚在一起。生活看来是完美的。可是，看不到问题并不意味着没有问题。

在我的左边，大桥的一角，有人想要粉碎我的梦想。还是那位国际刑警，只是他不再是独自一人。他知道，光凭他一人无法赶走我的梦想。他们朝我走来，但这一次我不愿意跟他们谈了。他們想把我遣送回国。我不想两手空空地回去。我想出人头地。

所以我跑了。我跑向桥的另一角，他们在后面追我。我头也不回地一个劲儿往前跑。该死的长桥。我在电影里看过无数次警察追逐男主角的情节：男主角纵身跳下桥，最终逃脱。可这不是电影，即使是……我也不是男主角。所以，我不停地奔跑。我穿过大桥，顺着道路跑。我不停地跑，他们不停地追。我在大街小巷里穿行，试图甩掉他们，可他们快步如飞。他们跟踪我已经有一段时间了。

天上开始下起雨来。在雨中奔跑，我可是不在话下。记得吗，我曾在雨中奔跑过。只是那一次我是为了赢得她的爱，这一次我却是为了逃命。

也许，这就是我不想再跑下去的原因，我是在为自己而跑。如果我不跑，除了我，对其他任何人都没有影响。那好吧，我就停下来吧。我会跟他们谈谈。我放慢了脚步。他们拐进了这条街。我正要停下脚步，就听见一声枪响。要不是我倒下了，不会有什么事。他们射中了我的腿。我转身想要站起来。他们又开了一枪，这次射入了胸膛，差点儿击中我的心脏。我又一次倒下了。

纽约暗了下来。我看不到黑夜里的云彩，可我知道它们在天上看着我。它们似乎在为我的痛苦而流泪。其实，它们不必为我哭泣。但我想，它们是关心我的，毕竟它们是我的云彩。因为疼痛，我的眼泪夺眶而出，我的梦想也随之消失了。它们在我的心里存留了那么久，我的心曾经用爱抚慰它们，可现在已经无力将它们挽留，因为伤得太深了。我的心关爱每一个人，就是没能关爱自己。

我觉得自己是个彻头彻尾的失败者。如今，除了痛苦，我一无所有。我把云彩和所有的梦想留在了这里。在永远闭上眼睛之前，我低头看了看我的心，那里有我的梦想;我再抬头看了看天空，那里有我的云彩;然后，我又看了看四周……那是你们的世界。      □