Why We Pick Difficult Partners 人为什么会选难相处的伴侣

王冰

Theoretically， we are free to select the kind of person we love. We might have chosen someone else. Were not being forced into a relationship by social convention or match-making1 or dynastic2 imperatives. But in reality， our choice of lover is probably a lot less free than we imagine. Some very real constraints around whom we can love and feel properly attracted to come from a place we might not think to look： our childhoods. Our psychological history strongly predisposes3 us to fall for only certain types of people.

We love along grooves4 formed in childhood. We look for people who in many ways recreate the feelings of love we knew when we were small. The problem is that the love we imbibed5 in childhood was unlikely to have been made up simply of generosity， tenderness and kindness. Given the way the world is， love was liable to have come entwined with certain painful aspects： a feeling of not being quite good enough; a love for a parent who was fragile or depressed; a sense that one could never be fully vulnerable around a care-giver.

This predisposes us to look in adulthood for partners who wont necessarily simply be kind to us， but who will—most importantly—feel familiar; which can be a subtly but importantly different thing. We may be constrained to look away from prospective candidates because they dont satisfy a yearning for the complexities that we associate with love. We may describe someone as ‘not sexy or ‘boring when in truth we mean： unlikely to make me suffer in the way I need to suffer in order to feel that love is real.

Its common to advise people who are drawn to tricky candidates simply to leave them and find someone more wholesome. This is both theoretically appealing and often practically impossible. We cannot magically redirect the well-springs6 of attraction. Rather than aim for a transformation in the types of people we are attracted to， it may be wiser simply to adjust how we respond and behave around the occasionally difficult characters whom our past mandates7 we will find compelling.

Our problems are often generated because we continue to respond to compelling people in the way that we learn to behave as children around their templates. For instance， maybe we had a rather irate8 parent who often raised their voice. We loved them， and reacted by feeling that when they were angry， we must be guilty. We got timid or humble. Now if a partner （to whom we are magnetically drawn） gets cross9， we respond as squashed， brow-beaten children： we sulk10， we feel its our fault， we feel got at and yet deserving of criticism， we build up a lot of resentment. Or perhaps were drawn to someone with a short-fuse11—which makes us blow up12 in turn. Or if we had a fragile， vulnerable parent who was easily hurt， we readily end up with a partner who is also a bit weak and demands us to care for them; but then we get frustrated by their weakness—we tiptoe13 round them， we try to encourage and reassure （as we did when we were little）， but we also condemn this person for being undeserving.

We probably cant change our templates of attraction. But rather than seek to radically re-engineer our instincts， what we can do is try to learn to react to desirable candidates not as we did as children but in the more mature and constructive manner of a rational adult. There is an enormous opportunity to move ourselves from a childlike to a more adult pattern of response in relation to the difficulties we are attracted to.

Consider this table， column A： Partners tricky behaviour. Column B： the childlike response on our part. And column C： The more adult response we should aim for. So raising our voice could lead to a sense of “its my fault”. The more mature response might be， “This is their issue， I dont have to feel bad”. Or if the partner is rather patronising14， the childlike response might be： “Im so stupid.” But the more adult response might be： “There are lots of kinds of intelligence. And mine is fine.” And so on... Take a moment to look at the chart.

We are almost certainly with somebody with a particularly knotty15 set of issues which trigger our desires and our childlike defensive moves. The answer isnt to end the relationship， but rather to strive to deal with their compelling challenges with some of the wisdom of which we werent capable when we first encountered these in a parent or care-giver. It probably isnt in our remit16 to locate a wholly grown-up lover. But it is always in our remit to behave in more grown-up ways around our lovers less mature sides.

理论上，我们可以自由选择去爱什么样的人。我们本可以选择其他人，而非现在的伴侣。并没有社会习俗、媒妁之言甚或封建王命来强迫我们进入一段关系。但事实上，我们选择爱人时也许远远不如自己想象的那样自由。我们会爱上什么人、会被什么人真正吸引，有一些真实存在的限制，来自于一个我们也许从未想过去检视的地方：童年。童年的心路历程早已注定我们只会对某些特定类型的人动心。

我们沿着童年形成的心理轨迹去爱，寻找能够在方方面面再现我们从小熟知的那种“爱”的感觉的人。问题在于，我们童年所接受的爱，不太可能纯粹由宽宏、温柔和善意构成。考虑到现实情况，爱也许常常交织伴随着一些痛苦的体验：认为自己不够好的感受，对脆弱甚或抑郁消沉的父母的爱，或是认为人永远不能在照料者面前完全暴露自己脆弱一面的观念。

这些童年体验让我们成年后寻找伴侣时倾向于某一类人，他们不一定是真正对我们好的人，最重要的是，他们要让我们产生熟悉的感觉——二者可能只有微妙的差异，但这差异非常重要。我们也许不得不放弃一些可能的对象，因为他们无法满足我们内心对于自认为与爱相关的复杂体验的渴望。我们也许会说这个人“不够性感”或“无趣”，而事实上我们真正的意思是：这个人很可能无法让我们以自己需要的方式遭受痛苦，而要感觉到爱的真实存在，这种痛苦是必需的。

对于喜欢上难相处之人的那些人，一般的建议就是赶紧分手，去寻找人格更加健全的伴侣。这一建议说起来很吸引人，但实际上常常无法实现。我们没有什么神奇的力量能够改变自己喜欢什么样的人。我们的过去决定了我们会被什么样的人吸引，与其改变我们会被什么类型的人吸引，更加明智的做法或许就是在他们偶尔难以相处时，调整我们的回应和行为。

我们的问题之所以产生，常常是因为我们继续以孩提时学到的对待幼年监护人（我们成年后寻找伴侣的模板）的方式来回应吸引我们的人。例如，也许我们的父亲或母亲易怒，经常提高音量。我们爱他们，对他们这种表现的反应是：觉得如果父母生气了，一定是因为我们做错了什么。我们因此变得胆怯，或者说谦卑。那么长大以后，当我们的伴侣——如磁石般吸引我们的伴侣——生气了，我们会沿用小时候那个被压抑的、胆怯的自己的方式去回应：生闷气，觉得是自己的错，感觉到被攻击被针对却又理应遭受批评，累积起大量怨气。又或许，我们会为某个脾气暴躁的人所吸引，而这反过来又常常让我们大发脾气。再例如，如果我们的父母敏感脆弱容易受伤，我们最终很容易与一位同样性格软弱、需要我们照料关爱的伴侣结合。然而我们又会为伴侣的软弱而沮丧：我们在他们面前小心翼翼，努力去鼓励和安抚他们——正如我们小时候对父母所做的那样，但同时我们又会责备他们不值得这样的照顾。

我们也许无法改变吸引力的模板，但与其寻求彻底重塑本能，不如做我们力所能及的——学着作为理智的成年人，用更成熟、更富建设性的方式，而不是我们童年从父母身上习得的方式，去回应理想的对象。这是一个巨大的机会，面对吸引我们的种种麻烦，让自己的应对方式从幼稚变得成熟。

思考这样一个表格，A栏：伴侣让我们难以应付的行为。B栏：我们习惯的幼稚回应方式。C栏：我们致力实现的更加成熟的回应方式。那么，提高音量会导致“是我的错”这类愧疚感，而更加成熟的应对方式也许可以是：“这是他们的问题，我不必因此难过。”再或者，当伴侣以高人一等的方式对待我们，孩子气的回应方式也许会是：“我太蠢了。”但更成熟的回应也许可以是：“聪明有很多种。我这种也不错哦。”类似的例子还可以举出很多。请花些时间去思考这一表格。

我们几乎必然会与这样的伴侣结合：他们带来一系列难应付的问题，这些问题触发我们内在的欲望，同时也会触发我们孩童时代沿袭至今的自卫行动。对于这些问题，我们的答案不是分手，而是要调动智慧——我们小时候与父母或其他监护人相处中初次遭遇这些问题时还不具备的智慧——尽力去解决他们带来的美妙挑战。我们也许并没有责任去找到一个完全成熟的爱人，但以更加成熟的方式去面对爱人不那么成熟的一面，却永远是我们的责任所在。

（译者为“《英语世界》杯”翻译大赛获奖者）

1 match-making做媒。  2 dynastic王朝的。  3 predispose使倾向于。  4 groove常规;习惯。  5 imbibe吸收，接受（信息等）。

6 well-spring源泉。  7 mandate命令，指示。

8 irate暴怒的。  9 get cross生气，发脾气。  10 sulk生闷气。  11 short-fuse暴躁脾气。  12 blow up大发脾气。  13 tiptoe踮著脚走，蹑手蹑脚地走。

14 patronising自命不凡的，自认为高人一等的。  15 knotty复杂棘手的。

16 in ones remit在职权范围内。