My Advice on Divorce and Compromise

By Ji Bei

Many married women can notmakeup their mind whether to get divorced, particularly after reaching a certain age. My friend, whose husband had a lover in China, poured out to her parents on the phone. But what her parents first blurted out was,“Why not just forget it? You're not young now.”

For her eight-year-old child,she had endured for two more years, talking to her husband almost every day to show him more concerns, much gentler than before. Still, she detected that he was mercurial, sometimes as sweet as honey, but sometimes as cruel as a demon. Later she learned that when he was mad at her was when his lover was around. Bit by bit, she gave up and got divorced.

Not long ago, she called to tell that she had found her Mr.Right on the Internet. She told me he was a physician. After four months of online messaging, she met him, and they reached the point of getting married. But she still sobbed as she talked about her ex-husband's humiliation.

Age is not a problem, nor does ugliness matter at all. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I have several plain-looking friends who are already married to handsome men and have formed a solid marriage. By nature, everyone is born useful and loveable, and we must have this confidence all the time.

Even though you may not find the right man, or you may suffer from poverty in life, it's better than delaying your decision in marriage. The fact that a husband has a lover is like a malignant tumor. If you don't cut it off, your self-esteem will be wiped out sooner or later.

Some people put off their relationships out of resentment.Now that you have betrayed me anyway, I won't let you have a good time. This is not a good idea. In the end, you may even hate yourself for that. Besides,the fact that he has now betrayed you doesn't mean that he was not true to you in the past, nor does it mean that the happiness you had together in the past can be erased.He is your child's father； your child is innocent, so you should try not to hurt him if you can.

It's a singular move to argue for money and to sue for it. One of my friends has expended more than 20,000 Canadian dollars in court and is still fighting. I also wanted to fight at first, which frustrated me. Then I asked myself: When I first arrived in Canada, I only earned a few hundred Canadian dollars a month, but I had a great time. Lose what you lose. Even starting from scratch, it won't be a big problem as long as you have arms and legs. It will be okay if you take your time. Besides, by forcing myself to land a job, I will have more opportunities to meet and get to know men and maybe make a new marriage. What if he turns a new leaf? Maybe you should give him another chance.

Ms. Li, my friend, is a witty,careless lady. When he first courted her, her husband took great pains. Impressed by his sincerity, she married him. After marriage, they had a chubby and lively daughter and enjoyed a pretty smooth daily life. Two days before their sixth wedding anniversary, she suddenly fumbled out a florist's receipt of over 100 Canadian dollars from his pocket. She had never seen such an honest and simple man buy flowers for her. She racked her brain for a long time and concluded that perhaps, stung by conscience, he would surprise her on their wedding anniversary—presumably, it would be 99 roses.But as two weeks passed, she had seen no sign of fl owers. It turned out that his husband had fallen in love with his female colleague.She had seen that woman, who was a typical “volatile person”—she was gloomy and cold when she saw a woman, but she was sunny and foxy when she saw a man. She was shocked that her husband would have an affair with such a slut. With a long sigh, she helped him pack up the trunk and drove him out. Half a year later, he came back and said, “I didn't know how kind you were until after I left you.” Then he said no more. No matter how she drove him off, he would not leave. “If you don't, I'll go,” she said fiercely and bolted out to phone me.

“Give him a break,” I said. “No sage can be faultless, let alone an ordinary man. If a man is trying every means to seduce you, you can't be sure not to be tempted.Besides, a prodigal son may turn back to gold. Be sweet from now on and don't be too careless. Keep an eye on him.”

Two years later, they are still living in peace with each other,their daughter more lively and lovely.

It's not a problem for a husband to have an affair, nor is divorce.The most horrible thing is to say“Men are nothing good, so I'll never trust them again.”

The view that men are no good is a sign of women's irresponsibility for themselves.The rejection of love does not show her wisdom or insight at all,nor does it mean that she can rest easy. Where there are bad men,there are good men； where there is ugliness, there is beauty. If you don't believe in men, it is just that you're lazy or don't believe in yourself.

The next man may also become a womanizer. The next marriage may not last forever, but once bitten, why must we dread twice?If it doesn't work for the second time, I may try a third time. One of my female friends loves and fails time and again, but she still loves after repeated failures. She said, “I follow a principle that says when we're happy, we'll stay together； if not, we'll part. I'll never sacrifice myself or do what I don't like to. I haven't found a prince charming yet, but I lead a pretty full and amusing life, and I have learned a lot from it. Maybe I'll publish a book someday.”

That's right.

(From Migratory Birds—Selected Works of Canadian Chinese Female Writers, People's Publishing House. Translation:Qing Run)