The Premier Pilferer

By Huang Chaopeng

Ah-Ming, a thief of potent powers prowls around town practicing purloinery, filching with an uberquick wrist flick that would make even Hermes himself green with envy. The filched goods may be of mere nominal value, but the value was not the point, the fun was in the pilfer that affirmed him to be an astounding artist of the speedy swipe. And he always got his goods. As time went on, Ah-Ming's ego started to run away with him. Fancying himself primo-purloiner, became increasingly eager to pit his powers against the challenge of ever more stringent security situations.

As he sauntered surreptitiously by a convenience store stashed snugly in a dank, dusty dint one azure afternoon, his head cocked to one side like a rooster spying a pile of succulent fresh grain when he noticed the name, “No Worries” Convenience Store. As he prepared to make his swipe he grinned wickedly to himself like the Grinch himself thinking, “No worries, eh? I'll give them something to worry about!”

Penetrating the scene he was struck by this store's plethora of inconvenient conveniences. As he cased the joint, he spied entrances and exits on opposite ends of the establishment. Before the door would open, he first had to register as a member to delight in the store's sublime shopping emprise. What a headache. The success of past sitches had his confidence in the adroitness of his artifice brimming like a kettle full of Eight-Treasures Congee, he whipped out and swiped his cell with a swift swish, registered and linked up his WeChat ID. He was all set.

Ah-Ming made his way in with senses on high alert, like a gladiator entering a labyrinth to face off with the mighty eight-headed serpentor. The store however was not much different from any other, the product selection was of garden variety, but there was one salient difference—there were no cashiers or even alarms. This snitch would be a cinch. He casually eyed the security cameras and scoped out a tiny nook out of sight in the omniscient optics of the eye in the sky. With a air of complete nonchalance, he rambled on over and, fast as the Flash, swiped a bottle of red wine, slipped it between the seams of his jacket and swaggered out like a Michael Bay slo-mo hero.

Another palmy palm! Ah-Ming was pleased as punch with himself! Just then his smart phone beeped. He fished it out of his pocket and tapped to open up a new message, which read, “WeChat notification: self-serve convenience store purchase. 200 yuan auto-payment made. Thanks for shopping at ‘No Worries.'” (FromSatire and Humor, August 16, 2019. Translation: Chase Coulson)

阿明是城里有名的神偷，专偷各大超市和百货店。他的手法出神入化，偷的东西虽然价值不高，但总能得手，从没被捉过。时间一久，阿明便有点儿得意，认为自己的偷术天下第一，老想着挑战各家店的安保，证明一下实力。

这天，阿明看到街角新开了一家便利店，名曰“无忧便利店”。阿明心里笑：等我进去偷了你的东西，看你还怎么无忧。

便利店有点特别，入口与出口各在一边，进出分明。阿明走近一瞧，发现进门前还得先注册会员，绑定微信。他自恃艺高，毫不犹豫地掏出手机，扫码注册，绑定微信。

阿明走进便利店，见货品跟其他便利店差不多，只是没看到售货员，出口也没有防盗报警的感应装置。他看准头上的摄像机方位，很快找到一个摄像死角，走到那里，以迅雷不及掩耳之势把一瓶小洋酒塞到衣服下，随后大摇大摆地出了店。

再次得手，阿明甚感得意。突然，手机响了，他掏出来一看，是条微信提示：无人便利店成功消费200元。

（摘自《讽刺与幽默》2019年8月16日）