The Suspect Was a Salesman

By Zhong Ming

The police are in the interrogation room with a suspect who is in the hot seat.

“What's your name?” A cop asked.

“My name is Lew Shaw. Male. Born in 1968. I live at 9 Silver Tongue Lane and work at Better Homes Industries. My work phone number is, 12345678. My home phone is 87654321. If I'm not at work or at home, then I'm on the road. Call my cell and I'll bring a better home right to your door. Take down my cell in case you need to reach…”

“Stop jerking around and just answer the questions!” The cop snapped. “Where were you on the night of the sixteenth of this month?”

“The sixteenth of this month? Well, I have to think about that. I never remember times when I'm at work. Say, is there a calendar around here somewhere? You guys really ought to get a smart calendar that can send you little reminders of what you've got to do that day. Something like a secretary does for you. It's real convenient. Just like that little recorder of yours. Saves you time and trouble. All you've got to do is press a button, and it can record our whole entire conversation from beginning to end. That way you don't have to go troubling a young lady from the office to take it all down for you by hand.”

审讯室里，警官正在提审一名嫌疑犯。

“你的名字？”警官问。

“我叫罗数，男，1968年生，家住长舌胡同9号，现在是万家产业公司的职员。公司电话：12345678。住宅电话：87654321。如果我不在公司，也不在家，那一定在去您家的路上，请拨打我的手机，我将竭诚为您服务。我的手机号是……”

“问你什么就回答什么，别乱扯。”警官严厉地说，“本月16号晚上你在干什么？”

“16号晚上……让我想想，我工作起来总是忘记时间。这里没有日历吗？你们应该准备一本电子智能日历，它可以随时提醒您每天需要做的事情，如同随身秘书一样。比如现在您只需按一下录音键，就能把我们的对话完整地记录下来，而不用劳烦这位女士手写了……”

“我问你16号晚上在哪里？”警官喝道。

“在一位女士的家里。最近她的情绪很糟糕，她的脸上长了一些不知名的黄斑，严重影响了她的生活。我向她推荐一种特效祛斑霜，这是本公司新研制的产品，具有消除雀斑、黄褐斑、老年斑等效果。”

“别说这些，还干了什么？”

“我还演示了多功能吸尘器的用法，它不但能清除室内各种垃圾，消灭细菌污染，还具有加湿的功能，只需在备用箱里加些水。如果您因为工作繁忙不能照顾家庭，不妨给您的妻子买一个，表达您对她的关心和爱意。”

“我还没结婚呢。”

“那您一定正在准备结婚，我公司生产的新式按摩床垫，将给您一个惊喜，让您在新婚之夜享受意想不到的快乐。”

“住嘴。只说和受害人有关的事情。”

“这就有关系。我正把床垫铺在床上，当然是那位女士和她丈夫的床上，这时，她的丈夫回来了。”

“那是几点？”警官问。

“9点23分。我当时还建议她在床头安置我公司新推出的‘漂亮宝贝’牌台灯，它能散发出多种香气，您可以选择自己喜欢的味道……您问我怎么那么肯定是9点23分，因为台灯上有制作精美的计时器。”

“后来呢？”

“为了避免嫌疑，她让我躲在衣橱里，等她丈夫洗澡时再离开。可衣橱设计得很不合理，空间小，空气不流通，人在里面容易感染鼻炎、咽喉炎等疾病，幸亏我随身带有空气清新剂，这是我公司的新产品……”

“受害人是怎么发现你的？”

“不知为什么他们争吵起来，我听见有砸东西的声音，就偷偷往外看，只见她丈夫的脸上、身上沾满了泥水，正气急败坏地大骂吸尘器。我主动出来跟他解释，那是他使用不当，误按了喷洒键。”

“I asked you where you were on the night of the sixteenth!” The policeman bellowed, an inch or two away from losing his patience altogether.

“I was at a girl's house. She was moody because of a bad case of acne that had pretty much been ruining her life up to that point. I recommended a good skin cream that could clear up the problem. It's part of our new line of amazing new skin care products. It can clear up acne, freckles, skin discolorations, liver spots and other nasty blemishes, restoring a woman's youthful radiance and giving her skin that soft, healthy glow that will make her the center of attention.”

“What the…? Look, just stick to the point! What were you doing at the time?”

“I was demonstrating how to use our new multi-function vacuum cleaner. Not only can it clear away all those grubby bugaboos from the room, it can also get rid of germs, dust mites and pollutants, and it even comes complete with a handy humidifier. Just pour a cup of water in the back compartment, turn it on and… PRESTO! Instant relief for dry skin in need of youthifying moisture. And, if your hectic schedule leaves you with no time to care for your loved ones, then don't wait, pick up the phone and get one for your lovely wife today! It's that perfect gift that'll say to her, ‘Honey, take a load off and enjoy life!' You can show your wife just how much you care!”

“I'm not married, sir.”

“But you look to me like a man just one step away from holy matrimony, and we've got just the thing for that. It's our newly designed massage mattress. Giving you and your radiant bride-to-be a special surprise that'll help to spice up your wedding night.”

“Alright, that's enough! Listen, if it doesn't have anything to do with the victim, then I don't want to hear it, okay?”

“But it's got everything to do with the victim. I was right in the middle of installing that same massage mattress on the girl and her husband's bed, when the husband came home.”

“And what time was that?” The cop asked.

“9:23 on the nose. I happened to be installing our brand-new Pretty Baby lamp, which can put out an alluring array of scents. Just select your favorite and before you know it, the room will be filled with a powerful potpourri of fine fragrance. I remember it was exactly at 9:23 because the lamp comes complete with an exquisitely-crafted timepiece right on the face.”

“And then?”

“And then, she had me hide in the closet until her husband had his shower and left—to avoid suspicion you know. But the closet wasn't designed with people in mind, it was small and musty with bad air. In a place like that a person could come down with a terrible case of sinusitis, laryngitis or any one of a host of other painful diseases. Luckily I just happened to be carrying our handy-dandy new air purifier. It's the newest in a long line of topquality…”

“How did the victim find out you were there?”

“For some reason they started arguing. I heard the sound of things breaking and I just couldn't help it. I snuck a peak out of the closet and noticed her husband was standing there covered from head to toe in dirt and grime and screaming at the vacuum cleaner like a kook. So, I got out of the closet and went over to explain how the vacuum worked. I told him he didn't know how to use it, and that he had mistakenly put it in blower mode.”

“Why did you knock him down?”

“He demanded to know who I was, and I told him I was a salesman. He got all angry and asked what the filth and foul I was doing in his bedroom. I told him to calm down, that I was just testing out some bedding with his wife and then he went nutty as a fruitcake! He ran over to attack me, and all I could do was to defend myself.”

“What did you knock him out with?”

“This just happens to be the handiest feature of our handydandy anti-terrorist air purifier. When he came over to hit me, I pressed the red button, sending out a specially formulated spray that can knock a water buffalo unconscious with just one whiff. Guaranteed or your money back. But don't worry about the victim sir, he'll be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in another day or two. (From:Cool Refreshing Jokes, Golden Shield Press. Translation: Chase Coulson)

“你为什么把他打倒？”

“他问我是谁，我说我是推销员。他愤怒地说，你在卧室干什么？我说，和您的夫人试验床上用品。他便冲过来要揍我，我被迫自卫。”

“你用什么将他击昏的？”

“这正是空气清新剂的另一种作用。当你遇到突然袭击时，只需按下红色开关，就能喷出致人昏迷的气体。您不用担心，半天后他就会醒过来。”

（摘自《精彩新潮幽默》金盾出版社）