雅思习作评改系列（6）：段落内逻辑必须清晰明了

在英語写作课上，相信很多同学都听老师说过要给段落写主题句，也就是topic sentence，然后整个段落再围绕这个主题句展开（当然展开的方式就多种多样的了）。那么为什么要写主题句呢？是不是所有段落都必须写主题句？老雅认为，主题句很重要，尤其对初学者而言，老师规定必须写主题句也是合理的，因为这样可以确保每个段落只表达一个明确的观点。如果没有主题句，很多学生可能会在一个段落里写出两个以上观点来，从而破坏段落观点的唯一性原则。当然，对于有经验的写作老手来说，不写主题句，一样能够让读者轻松get到他在段落中表达的唯一观点，但对多数以6分、7分为目标的烤鸭而言，老雅强烈建议大家养成写段落主题句的习惯。

主题句写出来之后，后面的句子就要对主题句进行适度展开。这里需要注意两个问题：一是不能在同一段引入与主题句不同的新观点，二是句子之间要保持恰当的逻辑关系，共同为主题句服务。恰恰在这个方面，很多同学都不太注意。写下主题句后，在后面的论证过程中似乎忘记了主题句，散漫随意地论证，结果造成段落内逻辑松散，甚至前后矛盾。这样的作文势必给考官造成极大的阅读困难，分数拉低就在所难免了。本期老雅给大家修改一篇学生习作，该习作在段落论证中出现了较大问题，请大家看老雅是如何修改的。

题目

Many museums charge for admission while others are free.

Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages？

学生习作

There is a widespread public interest in visiting museums. Some museums charge for entrance while some are free. This raises questions about whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Considering the museums’ cultural and educational importance， I strongly argue that it is quite fair for visitors to pay the admission fee.

Museums serve us differently for city leaders， museum professionals and the general public. It could be great places to spend out on weekends with family members and friends. It could be fun and enlightening for a family to look for entertainment on a Sunday afternoon. To city leaders， museums can be seen as way to increase sophistication of its inhabitants. To a museum professional， a museum might be seen as a way to educate the public about the museum’s mission， such as civil rights or environmentalism. Museums are， above all， storehouse of knowledge. Admissions contribute to the normal running of museums and the funds of the frequent exhibits for the public. Some staffs are hired to manage the museums and maintain its daily clearness and tidiness.

Admissions may become the barrier to stop people from entering. Conversely， it encourages people to be better prepared before they get inside for a deep visit. Imagine that you are entering the Picasso Museum without knowing anything about him， what kind of impact could this museum have on you？ You will definitely walk out of it with regret and wish you could have known him more. Such rare opportunity could be missed when the live history is brought out in front of you and you could benefit a lot by asking a lot of questions and exchanging ideas with the people around. Museums were initially established for the increase and diffusion of knowledge. In such sense， Museums’ initial purpose is perfectly fulfilled.

Museums should be made accessible to the masses with entry charged in their affordable range in order to maintain the healthy running of the museums and we are contributing to the preservation of the human kind’s valuable assets which stand up until now.

評分：6

总评：结构清晰，能围绕主题展开讨论，能用英语比较正确地表达自己的思想，词汇量不错，明显语法错误较少，标点符号方面没有什么错误。但是，段落内论证方式需要更加清晰，逻辑需要更加合理，句与句之间的关联需要更加紧密。从本篇习作看，稍加改进，作文得分可有较大提升。

逐句修改

第1段：There is a widespread public interest in visiting museums. Some museums charge for entrance while some are free. This raises questions about whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Considering the museums’ cultural and educational importance， I strongly argue that it is quite fair for visitors to pay the admission fee.

【老雅修改】There is a huge public interest in visiting museums. Some museums charge for entrance while some are free. This raises questions about whether the advantages of charging an admission fee outweigh its disadvantages. Considering the museums’ cultural and educational importance， I would argue that it is quite fair for visitors to pay the admission fee.

【老雅点评】开头段引出话题，表明观点，中规中矩。老雅修改不大。若需要进一步提高得分，需要考虑在作文开头凸显个性。比如，本题可考虑使用一个知名事件来引入话题：Just a few years ago， New York Cosmopolitan Art Museum went into a lawsuit because of the admission fee it charged. This raises questions among the public about whether museums should charge for entrance and if they should， how much the fee should be. Considering the museums’ cultural and educational importance， I would argue that it is quite fair for visitors to pay the admission fee.

第2段：Museums serve us differently for city leaders， museum professionals and the general public. It could be great places to spend out on weekends with family members and friends. It could be fun and enlightening for a family to look for entertainment on a Sunday afternoon. To city leaders， museums can be seen as way to increase sophistication of its inhabitants. To a museum professional， a museum might be seen as a way to educate the public about the museum’s mission， such as civil rights or environmentalism. Museums are， above all， storehouse of knowledge. Admissions contribute to the normal running of museums and the funds of the frequent exhibits for the public. Some staffs are hired to manage the museums and maintain its daily clearness and tidiness.

【老雅修改】Museums serve multiple functions and for every one of them the visitors should pay. Spending out on weekends with family members or friends in a museum is enjoyable as well as enlightening. A history museum narrates stories about a nation’s past， and an art museum brings the original drawings of many famous artists like Da Vinci to the visitors. So， for the thrilling experience and the precious knowledge， the visitors have every reason to support the museum by paying the admission fee. As we know， the day-to-day running and maintenance of a museum are rather costly， and the government budget is not always available， so the entrance fee from the visitors is sometimes extremely important for the survival of a museum.

【老雅点评】本段讲人们需要支付博物馆门票的第一个理由。原文区分博物馆对三种人的不同功能，却没有说清楚人们为什么要为这三种功能支付门票。作者似乎忘记了，本文要论证的是人们为什么需要买门票，而不是博物馆的功能。因此，本段的主题句就不合适，因为它突出的是博物馆的不同功能，而不是为什么人们应该买门票。接下来本段重点也不是在论证买门票的重要性，只是到了最后两句才回到段落的主题。这样，本段就显得脱离了本文的主题，使文章读起来缺乏逻辑，这个问题在下一段也同样存在。老雅修改的时候，在第一句（也就是段落主题句）就点出visitors should pay for the multiple functions of museums，这就扣到主题了。接下来主要从enjoyable和enlightening两个方面说博物馆能够带给visitors什么（举历史博物馆和艺术博物馆为例）。最后再补一句，说明游客的这些钱对博物馆的日常运营非常重要。

第3段：Admissions may become the barrier to stop people from entering. Conversely， it encourages people to be better prepared before they get inside for a deep visit. Imagine that you are entering the Picasso Museum without knowing anything about him， what kind of impact could this museum have on you？ You will definitely walk out of it with regret and wish you could have known him more. Such rare opportunity could be missed when the live history is brought out in front of you and you could benefit a lot by asking a lot of questions and exchanging ideas with the people around. Museums were initially established for the increase and diffusion of knowledge. In such sense， Museums’ initial purpose is perfectly fulfilled.

【老雅修改】 Admittedly， admission fee may become the barrier to keep people from entering the museum. Yet， quite paradoxically， the money visitors pay can actually improve their experience in the museum because they will make more preparations before their visit. If the visitors do not have to spend a penny， they will more often than not enter the Picasso Museum and then walk out of it without learning anything. This is， of course， a great shame because the visitors take the free admission for granted and have not checked for more information about Picasso and when then do get in， they cannot benefit from exchanging ideas with people around.

【老雅点评】与第二段一样，本段大部分篇幅讲游客不做准备去博物馆会怎样，但没有联系到为什么游客应该买门票，读起来感觉有些偏题了。其实，作者想表达的逻辑是清楚的：游客付钱后，就会认真准备，但是如果免费，他们就可能不做准备，这样就算参观了博物馆也什么都学不到——因此，支付门票是好的。但原文里这个逻辑是暗含的，没有明确出来，而老雅修改文则把这个逻辑说得更清晰直接。

第4段：Museums should be made accessible to the masses with entry charged in their affordable range in order to maintain the healthy running of the museums and we are contributing to the preservation of the human kind’s valuable assets which stand up until now.

【老雅修改】 Museums should be made accessible to the masses with entry charged in their affordable range in order to maintain the healthy running of the museums. By paying the entrance fee， we are contributing to the preservation of the humankind’s most valuable assets.

【老雅點评】最后结论段写得很精彩，但是在we are contributing to...前面应该加上by paying the entrance fee。                                                               □

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