A Hazy First Love

By Yu Dafu

Young Boy's Puppy Love

As the youngest pupil in the class, I didn't find it interesting at all when my classmates whispered and chuckled about the love affairs between men and women after the teacher left the classroom. Speaking of love, I knew I was ignorant. Furthermore, as I was accustomed to solitude since childhood and grew up in an impoverished family, my shyness had turned me into a shrinking violet.

At that time, there were three girls known for their fashionconsciousness and graceful manners in our class. One of them, the niece of a local Shanghai billionaire named Zhao, lived closest to my house. The other two girls, born with a silver spoon in their mouth, were her neighbors.

Zhao, fair-skinned and ovalfaced, was always dressed in the latest fashion because of her wealthy family background and her frequent visits to her uncle. Even the materials of her dresses were new to me. The other two girls were just as pretty and fashionconscious. As close neighbors, they were always together, actively strengthening ties. They were as open-minded as today's new women, so boys filed into their houses for fun or loyally stood in the doorway, waiting for their chance.

I was timid and a little reserved—I knew little about relationships and held a belief that an educated person who was always with girls would end up being a shameless loser. After all, I was a disciple of Eden, who could neither swallow nor spit out the apple lump stuck in the throat. However, my interest for girls was like the budding grass beneath the thick snow, expecting the early arrival of the spring even during wintertime. To be honest, I was almost choked by desire when I came across any one of them on the way or just happened to pass by their house.

Zhao was the girl on my young mind for two consecutive years.

My Love Revealed

As I lived close to her, we often had chances to meet each other. She would normally greet me with a girlish smile and a gentle nod as she did to any other classmates, but I felt as ifi had committed an unpardonable crime. Whenever I met her, my head would spin and my heart would pound for nearly half an hour like a caged rabbit.

My feelings for her, like a pure crystal kept tight in a casket, somehow betrayed themselves eventually, and my classmate sitting on my left read my mind. On a Saturday afternoon after class, he seized me by the hand and told me, “This afternoon Zhao will go to Qianer's house. Would you like to join them together with me?” Qianer was one of Zhao's neighbors and besties. Understanding his meanings, I blushed with embarrassment immediately and panted heavily with shame. I replied haltingly as I shook my head like a rattle—I dreaded going. My nervousness almost brought me to tears. However, he seemed to hear my inner voice, and dragged me out of school as if I wished to.

Standing in the doorway of Qianer's house, there was another round of hesitation, but before I knew it, he called out and the three girls rushed out at once with smiles on their faces. Since I was pushed in front of them, I had to summon up my courage to go ahead. I entered with my head lowered and cheeks flushed, like a criminal to be taken to the execution ground.

They played Chinese dominoes (a tile-based game), and I seated behind my friend. My eyes settled on the tiles, but my furtive glance found its way to the two girls' lovely faces from time to time. After many rounds of games and dinner provided by Qianer's mother, I became closer to them, and eventually engaged with them in conversation.

When we left, Qianer's mother lit up a lantern and asked me to send Zhao back home. After that night, I had joined my friend to pay frequent visits to Zhao's, as well as the other two girls' houses. However, shy as I was by nature and with final exams approaching, I didn't meet them as often as my friend did.

Sadness from Separation

On the night of the thirteenth day of the Lunar New Year in 1909 (the first year of the last emperor Xuantong) when I was fourteen years old, the school laid out five tables of food for graduates after we were granted diplomas at our graduation ceremony.

The moonlight was wonderful that night, and the weather was as warm as in late February or early March. The entire city was drowned in a pleasant din of fireworks in celebration of the lantern festival. After drinking a few cups of liquor, I found myself in a state of burning ecstasy. With a clear moon hanging high overhead, my feet carried me out of school straight down to Zhao's house.

Her mother and the housemaid had left for the market to do grocery shopping and get candles and fruit for the lantern festival. I entered the house, and she was there by a table practicing calligraphy by herself under a kerosene lamp, with long braided hair gracefully reaching down behind her. Hearing my footsteps, she asked in a casual voice without looking up, “Who's there?”

I held my breath purposely and tiptoed over to her back when I blew out the kerosene lamp with a quick short breath. All of a sudden, the south-facing room was thrown into a pool of pure moonlight. With a sharp scream she looked back.

In a moment, I gazed at her marble-like delicate face and black-crystal-like eyes against the moonlight. Driven by a keen urge, I stuck out my hands to seize her by the arms.

She turned speechless and I kept silent. She remained seated and I stood right before her. Her beaming eyes jumped between me and the moon, and my smiling look swept between her and the yard. Alone together in the moonlit darkness, we spent delightful hours that I had never found so sweet before, without the slightest hint of flirtation or ill intention.

After a long silence under the moonlight, she eventually started talking to enliven the situation,“You had some liquor just now?”

“Yes, I did. There was a graduation banquet.” Now I let go of my hands, sitting down into a chair beside her.

“You'll go to Hangzhou tomorrow to take the high-school entrance exam, right?” She paused before asking softly.

“Yes. I'll set out in the morning by boat.”

Bashful speechlessness followed until the conversation between her mother and the housemaid became clear. She struck a match to light up the kerosene lamp.

Having entered the living room, her mother made some congratulatory remarks about my graduation. I also told her about my Hangzhou trip. After a little small talk for less than half an hour, I bade them farewell and left.

On my way back home in the shadows of willow trees against the moonlight, I recollected the delightful moment when Zhao and I exchanged gazes. Meanwhile, a feeling of lovesickness as thin as water began to stir in me.

(From A Prose Selection of Chinese Classics, China Yanhuang Publishing House. Translation: Wang Wen)

Editor's note: This essay is abridged with subtitles added by the editor.

水样的春愁

文/郁达夫

Yu Dafu (1896-1945), popular short-story writer of the 1920s in China, one of the founding members of the Creation Society, which was devoted to the promotion of modern literature.

稚童生暗恋

一班之中，我的年龄算最小，所以自修室里，当监课的先生走后，另外的同学们在密语着哄笑着的关于男女的问题，我简直一点儿不觉得有趣。从性知识发育落后这点上说，我承认自己混沌无知。又因自小就习于孤独、困于家境的结果，怕羞的心，畏缩的性，更使我的胆量变得异常的小。

当时，同年辈的女性，装饰入时，态度豁达，为大家所称道的，有三个。一个是上海富甲一邑的商人赵某的侄女，她住得离我最近。还有两个，也是富有人家的女儿；她们俩，却都是我那位同学的邻居。

赵家少女，皮色实在白皙不过，瓜子脸；更因为家里有几个钱，又时常上上海叔父家去走动的缘故，衣服式样新异自不必说，就是做衣服的料子，也都是我们所不曾见过的。另外的两个女孩，相貌更是完整，衣饰也尽够美丽，且因为她俩住址接近，常在一起，胆子大，认识人也多。她们当时已经开放得很，有点像现代的自由女子了，因而上她们家里去鬼混，或到她们门前去守望的青年，林林总总，数量繁多。

我虽胆小，性知识完全没有，且有点过分矜持，以为成日和女孩子们混在一道，是读书人的大耻，是没出息的行为，但到底还是一个亚当的后裔，喉头的苹果，怎么也吐它不出咽它不下，同北方厚雪地下的细草萌芽一样，到得冬来，自然也难免得有些望春之意。老实说将出来，我偶尔在路上遇见她们中间的无论哪一个，或凑巧在她们门前走过的时候，心里也着实有点儿难受。

那位赵家少女，整整地恼乱了我两年的童心。

心思被识破

我和她的住处较近，三天两头，总有见面机会。见面时，她同跟其他同年辈男孩打招呼一样，对我微笑一下，点一点头，但在我却感觉如犯了大罪被人发觉，和她一见面，马上变得头昏耳热，胸腔里的一颗心突突地总有半个钟头好跳。

同芭蕉叶似地重重包裹着的我

这一颗无邪的心，不知在什么地方，透露了消息，终于被课堂上坐在我左边的那位同学看穿了。一个礼拜六的下午，落课之后，他轻轻地拉着我的手对我说：“今天下午，赵家的那个小丫头，要上倩儿家去，你愿不愿意和我同去玩儿？”这里所说的倩儿，就是那两位他邻居的女孩子之中之一。我听了他的这一句密语，立时就涨红了脸，喘急了气，嗫嚅着不知怎样回答他，尽在拼命地摇头，表示我不愿意去，同时眼睛里也水汪汪地想哭出来的样子；而他却似乎已经看破了我的隐衷，得到我同意似地强力把我拖出了校门。

到了倩儿她们的门口，当然又是一番争执，但经他大声一喊，门里的三个女孩，同时笑着跑了出来；已经到了她们的面前，我也没有什么别的办法了，自然只好俯着首，红着脸，同被绑赴刑场的死刑囚似地跟她们到了室内。

看他们四人捏起了骨牌，我坐在我那位同学的背后，眼睛虽时时在注视着牌，但间或得着机会，也着实向她们的脸部偷看了许多次数。等她们的输赢赌完，一餐东道的夜饭吃过，我也居然和她们伴熟，有说有笑了。

临走时，倩儿的母亲还派了我一个差使，点上灯笼，要我把赵家的女孩送回去。此后，我也居然入了我那同学的伙，不时上赵家和另外两女孩家溜达；可是生来胆小，又加以毕业考试临近，我和她们的来往，终没有像我那位同学似地繁密。

怅然伤别离

我十四岁那年春天（一九〇九，宣统元年己酉），是旧历正月十三的晚上，学堂里白天发给我毕业文凭及增生执照之后，就在大厅上摆起了五桌送别毕业生的酒宴。

这一晚的月亮好得很，天气也温暖得像二三月的样子。满城爆竹声，是在庆祝新年的上灯佳节，我喝了几杯酒后，心里也感到了一种不能抑制的欢欣。出了校门，踏着月亮，我的双脚，便自然而然地走向了赵家。

她们的女仆陪她母亲上街去买蜡烛水果等过元宵的物品去了，推门进去，我只见她一个人拖着了一条长长的辫子，坐在大厅上的桌子边上洋灯底下练习写字。听见我的脚步声，她头也不抬起来看一眼，只慢声地问了一声：“是谁？”

我故意屏着声，提着脚，轻轻地走到了她的背后，一使劲一口就把她面前的那盏洋灯吹灭了。月光如潮水似地浸满了这一座朝南的大厅，她于一声尖叫之后，马上就把头转了过来。

我在月光里看见了她那张大理石似的嫩脸，和黑水晶似的眼睛，觉得怎么也熬忍不住了，顺势就伸出了两只手去，捏住了她的手臂。

她也不发一语，我也并无一言，她是扭转了身坐着，我是向她立着的。她只微笑着看看我看看月亮，我也只微笑着看看她看看中庭的空处，虽然此处的动作，轻薄的邪念，明显的表示，一点儿也没有，但不晓怎样一般满足，深沉、陶醉的感觉，竟同四周的月光一样，包满了我的全身。

两人这样在月光里沉默着相对，不知过了多久，终于她轻轻地开始说话了：“今晚上你在喝酒？”

“是的，是在学堂里喝的。”到这里我才放开了两手，向她边上的一张椅子里坐了下去。

“明天你就要上杭州去考中学去么？”停了一会，她又轻轻地问了一声。

“嗳，是的，明朝坐快班船去。”

两人又沉默着，不知坐了几多时候，忽听见门外头她母亲和女仆说话的声音渐渐近了，她于是就忙着立起来擦洋火，点上了洋灯。

她母亲进到了厅上，放下了买来的物品，先向我说了些道贺的话，我也告诉了她，明天将离开故乡到杭州去；谈不上半点钟的闲话，我就匆匆告辞出来了。

在柳树影里披了月光走回家来，我一边回味着刚才在月光里和她两人相对时的沉醉似的恍惚，一边在心底里，忽儿又感到了一点极淡极淡同水一样的春愁。

（摘自《中华经典散文》炎黄出版社）

编者注：本文有删改，小标题为编者所加。