嫉妒的时代：别人过得好，也要大声笑

By Moya Sarner

One night about five years ago， just before bed， I saw a tweet from a friend announcing how delighted he was to have been shortlisted1 for a journalism award. I felt my stomach lurch and my head spin， my teeth clench and my chest tighten.2 I did not sleep until the morning.

Another five years or so before that， when I was at university， I was scrolling3 through the Facebook photos of someone on my course whom I vaguely knew. As I clicked on the pictures of her out clubbing with friends， drunkenly laughing， I felt my mood sink so fast that I had to sit back in my chair.4 I seemed to stop breathing.

I have thought about why these memories still haunt me from time to time—why they have not been forgotten along with most other day-to-day interactions I have had on social media—and I think it is because， in my 32 years， those are the most powerful and painful moments of envy I have experienced. I had not even entered that journalism competition， and I have never once been clubbing and enjoyed it， but as I read that tweet and as I scrolled through those photographs， I so desperately wanted what those people had that it left me as winded as if I had been punched in the stomach.5

我們生活在一个嫉妒的时代：嫉妒别人的职业、房子、孩子、食物、身材、假期……看到别人的好运顺境，看到别人拥有了本该属于我们的东西，我们往往会嫉妒和痛苦。随着社交媒体的发展和普及，嫉妒的情绪更是被无限放大。而且很多时候，我们不仅嫉妒别人，还会嫉妒滤镜里那个美化过的、虚假的自己。嫉妒让我们心理不平衡、不快乐，也让我们难以悦纳自己，学习他人。所以啊，我们要学会经常问问自己：到底什么样的生活，才是我们真正想要的呢？

We live in the age of envy. Career envy， kitchen envy， children envy， food envy， upper arm envy， holiday envy. You name it， theres an envy for it. Human beings have always felt what Aristotle defined in the fourth century BC as pain at the sight of anothers good fortune， stirred by “those who have what we ought to have”—though it would be another thousand years before it would make it on to Pope Gregorys list of the seven deadly sins.6

But with the advent7 of social media， says Ethan Kross， professor of psychology at the University of Michigan who studies the impact of Facebook on our well-being， “envy is being taken to an extreme.” We are constantly bombarded by“Photoshopped lives，” he says， “and that exerts a toll on us the likes of which we have never experienced in the history of our species.8 And it is not particularly pleasant.”

Clinical psychologist Rachel Andrew says she is seeing more and more envy in her consulting room， from people who “cant achieve the lifestyle they want but which they see others have.” Our use of platforms including Facebook， Twitter， Instagram and Snapchat， she says， amplifies this deeply disturbing psychological discord.9 “I think what social media has done is make everyone accessible for comparison，”she explains. “In the past， people might have just envied their neighbours， but now we can compare ourselves with everyone across the world.” Windy Dryden， one of the UKs leading practitioners of cognitive behavioural therapy， calls this“comparisonitis.”10

And those comparisons are now much less realistic， Andrew continues： “We all know that images can be filtered11， that people are presenting the very best take on their lives.” We carry our envy amplification device around in our pockets， we sleep with it next to our pillows， and it tempts us 24 hours a day， the moment we wake up， even if it is the middle of the night. Andrew has observed among her patients that knowing they are looking at an edited version of reality， the awareness that #nofilter is a deceitful hashtag， is no defence against the emotional force of envy.12“What I notice is that most of us can intellectualise13 what we see on social media platforms—we know that these images and narratives that are presented arent real， we can talk about it and rationalise it—but on an emotional level， its still pushing buttons. If those images or narratives tap into what we aspire14 to， but what we dont have， then it becomes very powerful.”

To explore the role that envy plays in our use of social media， Kross and his team designed a study to consider the relationship between passive Facebook use—“just voyeuristically scrolling，” as he puts it—and envy and mood from moment to moment.15 Participants received texts five times a day for two weeks， asking about their passive Facebook use since the previous message， and how they were feeling in that moment. The results were striking， he says：“The more youre on there scrolling away， the more that elicits16 feelings of envy， which in turn predicts drops in how good you feel.”

No age group or social class is immune from envy， according to Andrew. In her consulting room she sees young women， selfconscious about how they look， who begin to follow certain accounts on Instagram to find hair inspiration or makeup techniques， and end up envying the women they follow and feeling even worse about themselves. But she also sees the same pattern among older businessmen and women who start out looking for strategies and tips on Twitter， and then struggle to accept what they find， which is that some people seem to be more successful than they are. “Equally， it can be friends and family who bring out those feelings of envy， around looks， lifestyle， careers and parenting—because somebody is always doing it better on social media，” she says.

While envying other people is damaging enough， “We have something even more pernicious， I think，” the renowned social psychologist Sherry Turkle tells me.17 “We look at the lives we have constructed online in which we only show the best of ourselves， and we feel a fear of missing out in relation to our own lives. We dont measure up to the lives we tell others we are living， and we look at the self as though it were an other， and feel envious of it.”18 This creates an alienating19 sense of “self-envy” inside us， she says. “We feel inauthentic， curiously envious of our own avatars.”20

We gaze at our slimming， filtered #OutfitOfTheDay， and we want that body—not the one that feels tired and achy on the morning commute.21 We spit out the flavourless “edible” flowers that adorn our muesli.22 We dont know what to do with the useless inflatable unicorn when the Instagram Story has come to an end.23 While we are busy finding the perfect camera angle， our lives become a dazzling， flawless carapace， empty inside but for the envy of others and ourselves.”24

There is a different， even darker definition of the concept of envy. For Patricia Polledri， psychoanalytic psychotherapist and author of Envy in Everyday Life， the word refers to something quite dangerous， which can take the form of emotional abuse and violent acts of criminality.25 “Envy is wanting to destroy what someone else has. Not just wanting it for yourself， but wanting other people not to have it. Its a deep-rooted issue， where you are very， very resentful26 of another persons well-being—whether that be their looks， their position or the car they have. It is silent， destructive， underhand—it is pure malice，27 pure hatred，” she says.

This can make it very difficult for envious people to seek and receive help， because it can feel impossible for them to take in something valuable from someone else， so strong is the urge to annihilate28 anything good in others and in themselves. She believes envy is not innate； that it starts with an experience of early deprivation， when a mother cannot bond with her baby， and that childs self-esteem is not nourished through his or her life.29

As a cognitive behavioural therapist， Dryden is less interested in the root causes of envy， focusing instead on what can be done about it. When it comes to the kind of envy inspired by social media， he says， there are two factors that make a person more vulnerable： low self-esteem and deprivation intolerance， which describes the experience of being unable to bear not getting what you want. To overcome this， he says， think about what you would teach a child. The aim is to develop a philosophy， a way of being in the world， that allows you to recognise when someone else has something that you want but dont have， and also to recognise that you can survive without it， and that not having it does not make you less worthy or less of a person.

We could also try to change the way we habitually use social media. Kross explains that most of the time， people use Facebook passively and not actively， idly and lazily reading instead of posting， messaging or commenting. “That is interesting when you realise it is the passive usage that is presumed to be more harmful than the active. The links between passive usage and feeling worse are very robust30—we have huge data sets involving tens of thousands of people，” he says. While it is less clear how active usage affects well-being， there does seem to be a small positive link， he explains， between using Facebook to connect with others and feeling better.

Perhaps， though， each of us also needs to think more carefully when we do use social media actively， about what we are trying to say and why—and how the curation of our online personas can contribute to this age of envy in which we live.31 When I was about to post on Facebook about some good career-related news recently， my husband asked me why I wanted to do that. I did not feel comfortable answering him， because the truth is it was out of vanity. Because I wanted the likes， the messages of congratulations， and perhaps， if I am brutally honest， I wanted others to know that I was doing well. I felt ashamed. There is nothing like an overly perceptive spouse to prick ones ego.32

It is easy to justify publicising33 a promotion on Twitter as necessary for work， as a quick way of spreading the news to colleagues and peers. But as we type the words “Some personal news，” we could pause to ask ourselves， why are we doing this， really？ Friends， family， colleagues—anyone who needs to know will find out soon enough； with news that is quite personal， do we need to make it so public？ Honing34 your personal brand on social media may seem good for business， but it does have a price. It all creates an atmosphere where showing off—whether unapologetically or deceptively—is not just normalised but expected， and that is a space where envy can flourish.35

I do not think the answer necessarily always lies in being more honest about our lives—it might sometimes lie in simply shutting up. Of course， raising awareness about previously hushed-up， devastating experiences of miscarriage or abuse or harassment can have the power to challenge stigma and change society.36 But ostensibly37 authentic posts about mindfulness， or sadness， or no makeup selfies are always designed to portray their poster in the best light.

For Polledris concept of envy at its most noxious， there can be no upside.38 But as a less extreme emotional experience， it can serve a function in our lives. Dryden differentiates between unhealthy envy and its healthy form， which， he says， “can be creative.” Just as hunger tells us we need to eat， the feeling of envy， if we can listen to it in the right way， could show us what is missing from our lives that really matters to us， Kross explains. Andrew says： “It is about naming it as an emotion， knowing how it feels， and then not interpreting it as a positive or a negative， but trying to understand what it is telling you that you want. If that is achievable， you could take proper steps towards achieving it. But at the same time， ask yourself， what would be good enough？”

When I reflect on those two moments of piercing envy that I cannot forget， I can see—once I have waded through the shame and embarrassment—that they coincided with acute periods of unhappiness and insecurity.39 I was struggling to establish myself as a freelance writer and， before that， struggling to establish a social life after leaving home for university in a new city. Both of these things have improved as time has passed， but I do still feel unpleasant pangs40 of envy every now and then， whether Im on social media or off it， and I see it among my friends and family. Perhaps in part it is because we do not know how to answer the question： “What would be good enough？” That is something I am still working on.

1. shortlist： 把……列入最后候選人名单。

2. 我感觉胃里翻江倒海，头晕目眩，牙齿紧咬，胸部发闷。lurch： 突然倾斜，摇摇晃晃；spin： 旋转，晕眩；clench： 咬紧，闭紧。

3. scroll：（在屏幕上）上下滚动（信息）。

4. 当我点击她的照片，看到她和朋友们一起泡夜店，醉醺醺地开怀大笑时，我感觉自己的心情急转直下，不得不坐回到椅子上去。

5. 我甚至没有参加过那个新闻比赛，也从未享受过泡夜店，然而，当我读到那篇推文和翻看那些照片时，我是如此急切地想要那些人拥有的东西，这让我喘不过气来，就像在肚子上挨了一拳似的。winded： 喘不过气的。

6. 看到别人的好运顺境，看到“别人拥有了本该是我们的东西”，人们心中总会感到痛苦。这种痛苦，亚里士多德早在公元前四世纪就已经作了定义，而千年以后，这也成了教皇格列高利一世所说的七大罪之一。Aristotle：亚里士多德（公元前384—前322），希腊哲学家、逻辑学家和科学家；Pope Gregory： 教皇格列高利一世（约540—604），于590—604年任教皇；seven deadly sins： 七大罪，基督教教义中对人类恶行的分类，这些恶行能够导致其他不道德的行为或习惯，一般指傲慢、贪婪、淫邪、嫉妒、贪食、愤怒及怠惰。

7. advent： 出现。

8. 他说：“我们的生活中充斥着美化过的照片，这对我们造成了人类历史上从未经历过的伤害。”exert： 施加；toll：损害，破坏。

9. amplify： 放大，增强；disturbing： 令人烦恼的，令人不安的；discord： 不协调，不一致。

10. practitioner： 开业者（尤指医生、律师等）；cognitive behavioural therapy：认知行为疗法，主要针对抑郁症、焦虑症等心理疾病和不合理认知导致的心理问题；comparisonitis：意为“比较癖”，后缀-itis表示“……迷（癖）”。

11. filter： 加滤镜。

12. 安德鲁在她的病人中观察到，即便他们知道看到的是加工润色后的现实，意识到#无滤镜是一个骗人的话题标签，也不能抵御嫉妒的情感力量。deceitful： 不实的，骗人的；hashtag： 话题标签。

13. intellectualise： 对……作理性的探讨（或阐述）。

14. aspire： 渴望，追求。

15. 为了探究嫉妒在我们使用社交媒体时所扮演的角色，克罗斯和他的团队设计了一项研究，来探讨他所说的被动使用脸书——也就是纯粹窥探性地浏览——与嫉妒和情绪之间的即时关系。voyeuristically： 窥探性地。

16. elicit： 引出，引起。

17. pernicious： 有害的，恶性的；renowned：知名的，有声望的。

18. 我们其实并没有达到告诉别人的那种生活状态，我们看着自己，就好像那是另外一个人，并对其感到嫉妒。measure up to： 达到。

19. alienating： 疏远的，异化的。

20. inauthentic： 假的，不真实的；avatar：化身。

21. achy： 疼痛的；commute： 上下班路程。

22. adorn： 装饰，修饰；muesli： 穆兹利（一种由谷物、干果、坚果和牛奶制成的早餐食品）。

23. inflatable： 可充气的，可膨胀的；unicorn： 独角兽。

24. 我们忙于寻找完美的拍摄角度，我们的生活也变成了一个光彩照人、完美无瑕的甲壳，内里空空如也，只为了让别人和我们自己嫉妒而存在。carapace： 壳，甲壳。

25. psychoanalytic： 精神分析的，心理分析的；psychotherapist： 心理治疗师；criminality： 犯罪。

26. resentful： 憎恨的，怨恨的。

27. underhand： 秘密的，偷偷摸摸的；malice： 恶意，怨恨。

28. annihilate： 消灭，毁灭。

29. 她认为嫉妒不是天生的；它始于早年的缺失经历，如果母亲没有与孩子建立良好的情感联系，孩子在生活中的自尊心就得不到滋养。innate： 先天的，与生俱来的；deprivation： 剥夺，缺失。

30. robust： 稳固的，坚固的。

31. curation： 策展，这里指综合管理；persona： 人物角色。

32. 没有什么比一个过于敏锐的配偶更能刺痛一个人的自尊心了。perceptive： 感觉敏锐的，有洞察力的；prick： 刺痛。

33. publicise： 宣传，宣扬。

34. hone： 磨砺，磨炼，这里指打造。

35. unapologetically： 不愧悔地，无歉意地；deceptively： 欺骗性地；normalise： 使正常化；flourish： 繁荣，兴旺。

36. 当然，提高人们对先前被隐瞒的、带给人沉重打击的流产、虐待和骚扰这些经历的意识，能够使人们获得挑战耻辱、改变社会的力量。devastating： 破坏性的，毁灭性的；miscarriage： 流产；stigma： 耻辱，污名。

37. ostensibly： 表面上，假裝地。

38. noxious： 有害的，有毒的；upside： 好的方面，积极的一面。

39. piercing：（感情）强烈的；wade：跋涉；acute： 短时间的。

40. pang： 一阵（剧痛、伤心等）。

阅读感评

∷秋叶 评

前几年，有一个非常流行的说法叫“羡慕嫉妒恨”。它表示了从“羡慕”到“嫉妒”再到“恨”的三种不同情绪状态，三者可以急速转换、一泻而下，让一个人内心原本的“正能量”瞬间逆转为负面情绪。

“羡慕”与“嫉妒”往往是同一硬币的两面，其产生显然都是由于自觉或不自觉地与他者进行比较，而“比较”是作为社会性动物的人类最基本也是最正常的心理冲动之一。我们对于自我形象与价值的判断往往也是通过各种比较作出的。因此，把他者作为一个尺度来衡量自己并产生一些反应非常自然。然而问题是，有些人陷入这种因比较（原文中用了comparisonitis一词，指“比较癖”）而产生的由“嫉妒”发展到“憎恨”的极端负面情绪中难以自拔，甚至做出一些损人又害己的不理智行为。这不禁让人想到法国哲学家萨特在其存在主义哲学中所提出的著名命题“他人即地狱（Hell is other people）”。在萨特看来，这是现代人因“异化（alienation）”带来的一种荒诞的人性状态，而选文作者认为当前这种迅速蔓延的社会问题与各种电子社交媒体脱不了干系。

作为社会化的人类，其实多少都有些攀比的心理。英语中有“keeping up with the Joneses”的说法，就是把左邻右舍作为自己的尺度，来比较两者之间社会地位与财富积累程度的高低。有谁愿意看见自己的邻居在地位与财富上超越自己并承认“低人一等”呢？因此，自认为暂时“占下风”的一方很可能就会做出某些不理性的事情。我们中国人至少在公开场合都要讲知足常乐，批评攀比心态。例如，我们将因攀比而产生的负面情绪称作“红眼病”，或者讥讽别人“这山望着那山高”，警告攀比者“人比人气死人”，有时又颇为“中庸”地安慰自己说“比上不足，比下有余”。无独有偶，英文里凑巧也有类似的表达，如“green-eyed monster”（我们说嫉妒得眼睛发红，而西方人却认为眼睛发绿是嫉妒的症状）与“The grass is always greener on the other side”。后一句指的是一种非常普遍的不正常心态，总觉得别人家的一切更好更诱人，由此产生嫉妒心理。

选文作者认为，这些与人类社会同样历史悠久的心理状态与情感宣泄，在如今各种社交媒体扑面而来的时代，其影响层面与严重程度已变得前所未有。作者列举了诸多心理学家、心理治疗师、认知行为病理学家的观点，给我们提出的观点是，由嫉妒引发的心理和精神疾病已成为一个社会现象，亟待探索出妥善处理的有效途径。在作者看来，像Facebook、Twitter、Instagram（类似于国内的微信朋友圈）这些电子社交媒体是极大诱因，因为人们的攀比范围已由传统时代的家族与邻里之间扩大到全世界，由原先的熟人社区扩大到由绝大多数从未谋面的人组成的社会之间的比较，而他们总是把自己最美好的一面展现给大家。由于对攀比对象并不真正了解，人们往往为他人在社交媒体上发布的所谓完美形象所蒙蔽，以至于自惭形秽。作者指出，至少有两种办法可以缓解和避免由“比较”而产生的强烈并具破坏力的嫉妒心：一是更加主动地使用这些电子社交媒体，即自己也要常发布、评论，而非总是被动地、窥探性地浏览他人的好形象、好消息；二是要建立一种理性的人生哲学，也就是说，要让那些自信心比较低同时自尊心又特别强的人们想明白道理并接受“This is life！”。

诚然，人性有弱点，虚荣心与争强好胜心每个人都难以完全避免，就看你能否通过人生的修炼来克服它们，将其转换为更为理性的“正能量”。人生经验告诉我们，正确的价值观与人生观在一个人身上经过长期培养与逐步建立，其在处理具体问题时所能发挥的潜移默化的作用是不可低估的。如果我们有自信心作为基础，并乐于接受客观现实，同时对于生活中的精神追求与物质需求有一个理性的平衡观，不管别人的生活怎么样，我们应该都能做到杨绛先生在其《一百岁感言》中所说的“内心的淡定与从容”。